State of the States

Along the course of this "blogventure," (combination of the words 'adventure' and 'blogvent') you've probably noticed me taking a few cheap shots at Kansas. Just writing the word “Kansas” right there made me want to go off on a rant. I mean did they get sponsorship money from the grass-growers association? Or did they simply acknowledge the beauty and fun of other places and want to exist simply to be ironic? Like they’re sitting there in their generic building saying “Hey, come visit Kansas, we’re cool too…gotcha! Well, you’re already here, you might as well check out the Topeka House of Clams on your way out.”

Sorry, I guess the rant happened after all. Well anyway, my point is that nobody’s perfect. We’ve all got our flaws, and we’re lucky that I’m bored enough to needlessly point all of them out. So without further ado, I present State of the States: A brief guide to the shortcomings of all 50 states. I'll tackle the states 5 at a time, so as not to make this entry as long as Ron Jeremy.

Alabama

-State representative: 2006 American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Enough said.

-State shortcoming: People. A good portion of your residents’ thinking is so backwards it’s criminal. Speaking of backwards, many of your little school children (those who don’t drop out after 4th grade) consistently spell the word Alabama backwards and your teachers are too busy not brushing their teeth to notice.

Alaska

-State representative: Sarah Palin. Sad but true. America has come to equate Alaska with Palin. Maybe you should decide to “Go Rogue” and deport her so you can go back to being our most gigantic state no one’s ever been to.

-State shortcoming: A little full of yourself. What, you’re too cool to hang out down here with us continentals? 500 miles from our nearest border!? At least give us some sort of a bullet train or something. No, no it’s cool—just stay all detached and isolated up there Salinger.

Arizona

-State representative: Karen McDougal, Playboy Playmate of the year 1998. She narrowly beat out Cesar Chavez and Joe Jonas.

-State shortcoming: Grand Canyon—what are you hiding in there?

Arkansas

-State representative: John Daly. Hmm, let’s see—cigarettes, beer, gambling problems, devastating loneliness…yep, sounds about right.

-State shortcoming: The smell. What is that all about? I can’t tell if it’s the smell of death or a swamp or swampy death.

California

-State representative: Joey Chestnut—World Hot Dog Eating Champion. Out of all the possibilities, Chestnut singlehandedly represents almost all the California ideals: he makes his living in an excessive and unnecessary line of work, he is on TV, and he receives money and fame for putting wieners in his mouth. If you put a Golden Gate Bridge t-shirt on him, stick a surfboard under his arm, and put a Yosemite National Park pass around his neck, he might as well be a walking billboard for California.

-State shortcoming: Illegal immigrants. California’s borders are open wider than Lindsay Lohan’s legs. Southern California is more easily accessible than Britney Spears’ fun zone. Pathways into the state are more heavily used than Paris Hilton’s vagina. Ok, you get the idea. …Just one more for fun: more people have plowed their way in through muddy canals than Ryan Seacrest. Zing!

Tomorrow: Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Yellowcard - For You, And Your Denial