State of the States pt. 3

Georgia

-State representative: Jeff Foxworthy--if it weren't for Foxworthy's 'you might be a redneck' bits, trash bins everywhere would be empty, Abu Ghraib would have much less effective 'interrogation' tactics, and aspiring comics would be less confident in their abilities. "Wait...you can be successful with jokes like that? Well shit, hand me a bottle of scotch and a pen, I'm shittin' out gold tonight!"

-State shortcoming: the student body of Georgia Tech (or lack thereof). I mean, I know where to go if I need to figure out why my jet engine isn't operating at the optimal velocity, but what am I supposed to do with my erection?

Hawaii

-State representative: Laird Hamilton. Pretty easy choice. Everyone in the state is either a surfer or a singer-songwriter. I'll take a 90 foot wave over a gentle acoustic guitar melody any day.

-State shortcoming: lack of gay pride. It took balls to name the biggest college in your state the "Rainbow Warriors." It took even bigger stones to make the helmet of your football team white with a pretty rainbow on it. Then, out of pure homophobic chicanery, you simply change it to "Warriors" and redesign the helmet to make it tough and manly. Not cool bro. It's okay to be who you are. Don't hide under a charade of toughness, embrace the gayness within you. Go even further--go overboard like the guys in West Hollywood who wear jorts and chain-mesh shirts and rollerblade everywhere. I say bring back the rainbow helmets, and add a bit of Hawaii tradition--wear grass skirts and coconut bras over your pads. Take your balls back Hawaii. Take 'em back and make 'em pretty and glittery like you know you want to.

Idaho

-State representative: Sacajawea. Yes, that Sacajawea. I didn’t know she was from Idaho either—step up your marketing Idaho! Oh, you weren’t really a state when she lived there? Well, your second most notable product is Lou Dobbs, so I think you can probably look the other way on that one.

-State shortcoming: Shaped like a chimney constructed under the influence of alcohol. Seriously, what is with your boundaries? It looks like you were once a proud rectangle and are being bullied by Montana. You’re gonna take that shit from Montana??? Also, probably a little too proud of your potatoes. Unless you’re making fries with all those potatoes, I’m not interested.

Illinois

-State representative: Flozell Adams, NFL offensive lineman (native of Chicago). Thought I would go with Obama? Wrong, dumbass. Check the official 'cool name scale' (scale is both unofficial and non-existant). Barack Obama is an 8 out of 10 on the cool name scale, Flozell 'The Hotel' Adams? 10. Yes, any man named Flozell gets my respect. Also, any man that walks into Denny's and says "Fuck it, just bring me a pig on a spit" also gets my respect.

-State shortcoming: Your best city is a freezing windy mess half the year. Get some climate control Chicago. Where else do you expect us to go, Peoria? Jesus. I'll call you when I lose my self-esteem.

Indiana

-State representative: Larry Bird. In a state that has produced such well-known figures as Michael Jackson, Axl Rose, John Mellencamp, Orville Redenbacher, James Dean, and William Henry Harrison, Larry Bird represents what Indiana is all about: mild mannered white people!

-State shortcoming: Santa Claus. Come on Indiana, we’re well over 200 years old, you can stop pretending. Just change the name of that town to “Mom & Dad are the Ones Eating the Cookies, Indiana.”

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook