State of the States pt. 4

Iowa

-State representative: Ashton Kutcher. Gee, thanks a lot for that one Iowa.

-State shortcoming: Guilt by association. You may very well be cool Iowa, but guess who you're hanging around with? Degenerates like Nebraska, Missouri, and South Dakota. If you could scoot yourself up near the great lakes maybe we could talk.

Kansas

-Hell. More to come later.

Kentucky

-State representative: Tie!  Between Billy Ray Cyrus and Charles Manson. Starting to paint a creepy portrait there Kentucky. No, no Wynonna Judd doesn't help you. Nick Lachey?!? No, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole. One more? Okay Kentucky, I can tell you're desperate, but make it quick, I have to move on to Louisiana. Chuck Woolery!? Yes! Sweet Sweet redemption. Okay cool, now go back to producing and subsequently binge drinking whiskey.

-State shortcoming: laziness. I haven't seen a more useless lump of crap since seasons 2-9 of Roseanne (Notice how I deftly escape any blame for that statement--I could very well be talking about Roseanne Barr, John Goodman, or the show itself). Also, your biggest attraction is getting drunk and watching horses run around a track once a year. Set a rabid cougar loose behind the horses and I might pay to see that.

Louisiana

-State representative: Billy Jo White, current and seven time defending champion in the "Most Racist Person in America" contest. Billy Jo first won the award when he officially changed his last name (which was Black) to White and set fire to the houses of any family members who did not follow in his footsteps. Billy Jo has retained his title with unspeakable acts against races of all kinds. Most of his actions I won't go into because of their disgusting and sometimes violent nature, but needless to say this is one racist bastard (Obviously not a real person, but have you ever been to rural Louisiana? He very well could be).

-State shortcoming: “Beauty.” That is, if your idea of beauty is swamps, bugs, oppressing heat, broken down shanty's, and poverty. Also, it's a great place to go if you enjoy being spit on or chased out of town by an angry, toothless mob for not having the same religious views, race, or sexual orientation as the natives.

Maine

-State representative: Erin Andrews. Hottest person to be born in your state. Coincidentally, Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) was born in the same town. Hot lady, handsome fella--what are you putting in the water Lewiston?

-State shortcoming: I feel like you're plotting something up there. I never hear from you, and you're hobnobbing up there with loudmouths like New York, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania. A little too quiet Maine...a little too quiet.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Menzingers - I Was Born