Monday, December 10, 2012

Top 10 Albums of 2012

My Top 10 of 2012

10. P.O.S. – We Don’t Even Live Here

9. Paper Route - The Peace Of Wild Things
Listen: Paper Route - Two Hearts

8. Sharks – No Gods

7. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – The Heist

6. Two Door Cinema Club - Beacon

5. Jack White – Blunderbuss

4. Imagine Dragons – Night Visions

3. Passion Pit – Gossamer

2. A Silent Film – Sand & Snow

1. The Gaslight Anthem – Handwritten


Youngblood Hawke – Youngblood Hawke EP
The Griswolds – Heart of a Lion EP
William Beckett – Winds Will Change EP
The Mowgli's - Love's Not Dead EP

Awesome songs from others in 2012:

If you missed any of this great music, be sure to check it out all over the inter-webs!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Trojan Condoms to Sponsor New Bowl

Five new potential bowls are petitioning for acceptance into the already crowded Bowl Season. I know what you’re thinking: “Between the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, and the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl, I just don’t think there’s room for more ridiculously named bowls in my bowl-watching calendar.”  It’s a valid point, but money talks…and apparently the ratings and ticket sales for the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl far outweigh the alternative: pre-season college field hockey.

Some are questioning the need for more bowls. There are already 35 bowls, some pitting 6-6 teams against each other. But rather than question mediocrity, these new potential bowls celebrate it. Here’s a look at the candidates:

Candidate 1: Trojan “Stiff D(Fense) Bowl.”
Location: Dickeyville, Wisconsin.
Pitch: The Stiff D(Fense) Bowl will pit one of the nation’s stiffest defenses vs. one of the most lubricated offensive teams for a friction-filled fracas.

Candidate 2: The Greater Des Moines Waste Management “Rubbish Bowl.”
Location: Des Moines, Iowa.
Pitch: A “parody” bowl, this cleverly-sponsored bowl will pit the two worst teams in Division I football against each other in a hilarious celebration of incompetence.

Candidate 3: The Rascal Scooters “Geriatric Bowl.”
Location: Boca Raton, Florida.
Pitch: This bowl is a matchup of the two teams in college football with the most Seniors. Providing graduating Seniors with one last chance for gridiron glory, the Geriatric Bowl exclusively plays Frank Sinatra on the loudspeakers and will be over by noon.

Candidate 4: The Alaskan Tourism Board “Barrow Bowl.”
Location: Barrow, Alaska.
Pitch: In the ultimate display of senseless irony, the Barrow Bowl will match up two deserving “warm weather” teams in the nation’s northernmost city, Barrow, Alaska in late December.

Candidate 5: The O’Reilly Auto Parts in association with PetSmart, Linens N’ Things, and Home Depot “Corporate Sponsorship Bowl,” brought to you by Toys ‘R Us and Wendy’s.
Location: Rotating locations based on corporate bidding.
Pitch: This is actually the new proposed name for the BCS National Championship Game.

If you’re a fan of a never-ending bowl season, keep an eye out for one of these new bowls that may be popping up (not a Stiff D(fense) Bowl pun) sometime in the near future. In the meantime, set those DVR’s…you won’t want to miss a minute of the Franklin Mortgage American Music City Bowl!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Can you spell racism? Mississippi Can't

If there’s one thing Mississippi knows, it’s good ole fashioned racism. Recently, the southern “charm” of the state was in full effect for a March Madness game between Kansas State and Southern Mississippi.

In a first round clash between the two schools, Kansas State guard Angel Rodriguez was the victim of some vitriol in the form of a chant from the Southern Miss band. While Rodriguez was at the free throw line, members of the band began chanting “Where’s your green card?”

Let’s face it…that’s kind of funny. Still, to chant it in the middle of the biggest basketball tournament in the world takes some kind of “let’s throw caution to the white wind” mentality I could never imagine. While slightly clever, the remark is just as bad as a homophobic slur or other racial diatribe.

In an attempt to not start hate wars, the school has penalized and suspended those members of the band and issued an apology.

Rodriguez had a wonderful response. He managed to provide a fitting retort, while displaying terrible, terrible grammar.

"I heard it. I don't pay attention to that nonsense, especially because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, so we don't need no type of papers,” said Rodriguez. Simple, effective, and conveyed in the type of sentence structure Mississippians can understand.

This isn’t the first episode for the Southern Miss band. They have been notorious all year long for their chants and antics during games.  Earlier in the season, during a game, they singled out an Asian player on an opposing team by chanting “Ching-Chang-Chung” and throwing rice onto the court. Not long after that, in a game featuring a player from Africa, the band members chanted “Kony’s got your brother.”

Terrible? Yes. Wrong? Absolutely. Let’s face it though, it’s Mississippi…the state that is last or near last in every major education category. You know those “Take a penny, leave a penny” trays? We should have a “Take a state, leave a state” option for our shittier states. Give that racist, backward, intellectually stunted state to Canada. Those dumb maple syrup-loving, pot smoking, hockey playing hippies will be too busy replaying Wayne Gretzky highlights to notice.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: TWDY - Players Holiday

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Wussiest Sports Mascots

When I think of professional sports, I think of elite athletes engaged in fierce competition. As such, it’s only fitting that sports teams should be named something intimidating, right?

Some organizations have done a great job with this, such as the Memphis Grizzlies, New Jersey Devils, and Nashville Predators. Others have completely missed the mark, often times quite comically. Let’s take a look at some of the more ridiculous mascots.

*Note: This list only includes major professional sports teams...sorry Wichita Wingnuts and Scottsdale Community College Fightin’ Artichokes.

Baltimore Orioles

Baltimore team founder: “What are we thinking guys?”

Employee that is secretly sniffing glue: “How about a non-aggressive small bird that no one has ever heard of?”

Baltimore team founder (7 Mint Juleps deep): “Perfect!”

Washington Capitals

Just so lazy. That’s lazier than me right now…and I’m lying in bed eating a muffin at noon on a weekday.

Miami Dolphins

300 pound steroid-infused beasts colliding with each other in one of the most intense, violent sports in the world, and you pick the most adorable mascot you possibly could? That’s ballsy.

Milwaukee Brewers

Be honest…you were clearly just drunk when you thought of this.

Seattle Seahawks

Is that even a real animal? I feel like they really missed the boat by not calling the team the “Seattle Sasquatches.” Just as real as a “Seahawk” and much more intimidating.

Washington Wizards/Orlando Magic

Surprised your players wear basketball shorts and not glittery skirts.

Edmonton Oilers


Cleveland Browns

Joke of a name, joke of a franchise.

Ottawa Senators

This one’s just perplexing. Such an odd mascot for a sports team (Unless its Senator Scott Brown…I wouldn’t want to play that team).

New Jersey Nets

Just file this under “Least creative name ever” category. Might as well have just gone with the “New Jersey Balls” and at least had some fun with it.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Possibly the toughest sport out there and you go with FOLIAGE? Seriously? No, seriously?
Let's hope that some of the owners of these teams get the message and change their mascots to fierce, bloodthirsty animals or something equally as frightening. The New Jersey Chupacabras has a nice ring to it...or maybe the Toronto Anacondas.
Actually, what could be even better is if some of them read this, and just to spite me, change their name to something even wussier, such as the Edmonton Unicorns, or the Seattle Ponies.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Two Door Cinema Club - Undercover Martyn

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Caption Fun 2

More caption fun! Never the most intelligent subject matter, but always good for a laugh.

--I’m gonna get so many chicks if I win this match
--U.S.A: rubbing our balls on the rest of the world since 1776
--5 more seconds and he’ll be unconscious…beef stroganoff for lunch was an excellent choice
--Tony was right, wrestling is gay. I’m gonna give that guy the angriest blowjob tonight
--I spy something brown
--Years of training well spent. Next project: search for Loch Ness Monster
--Winning the match: awesome. Forcible skull-fuck: icing on the cake
--Is it legal if I fart, or will I get disqualified?
--And they said I’d never learn anything at Morehead State
--In America, we call this a “sack lunch”
--Somewhere in the distance I can hear my father crying

Snake Alley song of the day: Walk the Moon - Anna Sun

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Recreation. Leisure. Excellence.

I recently found out the program I received my degree in at Florida State will no longer be offered. The prestigious Recreation & Leisure program will see its last graduates this spring…quite sad. I learned so much from that program, including:

-How to properly funnel a beer
-How to budget by drinking heavily before going to bars
-How to stay organized (Keep a schedule of which parties to attend on certain nights, etc)
-The effects of a “gravity bong”
-When to rotate to get an even tan at the pool
-Proper arc on your beer pong shot

And much much more.

The Rec & Leisure program at FSU spawned many scholastic superstars and taught its graduates how to thrive at the next level. The curriculum taught me many things, not always academic, and not always valuable…but certainly ALWAYS fun. In memoriam of a legendary program and a few years of hazy, crazy fun, I present a pictorial remembrance, chronicling this program’s pursuit of academic excellence.

1. Study Group

2. Outdoor Pursuits

3. Nutrition and Proper Hydration

4. Cultural Studies

5. Environmental Conservation

6. Athletics

R.I.P. R&L
No one really knows - 2012

Your legacy will live on.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Billy Joel - Only The Good Die Young

Friday, February 10, 2012

Movie Foreplay

I recently went to the movies for the first time in a long time. Saw a great movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Very sad, very effective.  Good stuff. Anywho, setting aside the fact that I paid more to get in there than I do for a week’s worth of groceries (I eat strictly ramen and gum. Very strenuous diet of broth and chewing. Good for the mandibles), I was amazed at how generic and predictable the previews have become. Create a good trailer, and the movie can be (and usually is) crap. Here is my simple 5 step formula for creating a money-making trailer in today’s movie industry.
Romantic comedy or drama:
1. Hot guy and hot girl meet
2. Something is wrong with one of them, or one of them does something wrong
3. They must fight for each other
4. At some point they’re either wet, nearly naked, or both
5. A song by The Fray plays in the background
Boom. Done. Call it a day and collect your paycheck. It doesn’t matter if the guy is Channing Tatum or Paul Walker and conveys emotion like a bag of bricks (except the bag of bricks in the 1987 heartfelt classic “Love in a Sack,” that bag was touching…I cried), he’s hot, she’s hot, and The Fray seals the deal.
1. Two buddies who are just so hilariously opposite in personality and appearance interact
2. Introduce some wacky characters or guest stars
3. Show one or two of them falling down or getting hit by something
4. Don’t hint at any plot, because there’s probably no hint of a plot
5. Show an animal or small child doing something funny
6. A song by The Fray plays in the background
1. Introduce muscular lead character with a noticeable lack of acting skills, masked by a large amount of veins
2. Explosions!
3. Include a car chase, and most likely a car crash
4. Throw in a hot chick, or several hot chicks, to rub lead character’s muscles and make out with him
5. Something’s on fire, or someone’s running through fire
6. Explosions!
7. Gunfighting and dueling with bad guys
8. Explosions!
9. A oddly out of place song by The Fray plays in the background
1. Ominous lighting and fearful teenagers
2. Skinny, attractive white people on vacation
3. Creepy voice-over dude
4. Quick bursts of action, including breasts of some sort (a scare in the shower, killer lurking in the bushes peering into the bedroom, etc)
5. An unbelievably out of place song by The Fray playing in the background
Silent Film:
1. A song by The Fray written out in captions
Pretty simple ingredients will make any movie trailer a success and lure people in. Whether the movie is any good doesn’t matter, they’ve already got your 84 dollars (price of ticket, plus gallon jug of Coke).
Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Fray - The Fighter