1. Aggro Alan
Forget about “working in” on any machine this meat-head is using, he’ll be a while. “Aggro Alan” is at every gym. He’s the guy that looks like his muscles have muscles on top of them, and you better believe he wants to show off as many of them as possible. That’s why his once in-tact “Cabo Wabo” t-shirt is ripped off at the arms and now resembles a tattered rag.
What’s in that water bottle he’s using? Probably some mixture of whey protein, soy protein, whey-based soy protein, and creatine. If you squirted it on a roach, it’d probably die. Alan will do whatever he can to make you feel inadequately weak while taking up as much space and equipment in the gym as possible.
Do your best to avoid “Aggro Alan” at the gym and do not feel bad you’re not as strong as him. Instead, feel bad for his significant other, his friends, his tailor, small dogs he may try to pet, and the two-dozen chickens/turkeys/cows/hogs/large fleshy animals that had to die so his fridge could be stocked for the week.
2. Shauny Sweats
“Is it raining?” You wish. That’s just “Shauny Sweats” announcing his presence without saying a word. This is an unfortunate interaction, because in many cases, “Shauny Sweats” is a nice person who doesn’t mean to be an annoyance. He just sweats…a lot. He’ll make you think that the bicep machine was just rubbed down in vegetable oil. In a shocking display of unawareness, Shauny often leaves his machine without wiping off his puddle of sweat. Sometimes, Shaun will induce a monsoon of perspiration when sloshing through the miles on a treadmill or stair-stepper. In these instances, it’s not out of the question to wear waterproof headgear or a poncho.
Does he have a glandular problem? Or has he simply been working out for three hours and sweating like a Sumo wrestler in South Florida? Either way, there’s always a Shauny…sweating profusely and usually grunting as he strains to get in that last rep. Shaun can sometimes also morph into a “Stinky Stan,” in which case, you may be better off simply leaving the gym.
Don’t feel bad if you mistakenly sit down in a pool of “Shaun Juice” (awkward choice of words) and get his sweat all over you. Instead, feel bad for his significant other, his co-workers, his laundry basket, the piece of paper he attempts to write on, and anyone within 10 feet of his treadmill.
3. Peppy Paula
You can see her coming a mile away. Everyone knows her…at least they will know her by the time they leave the gym today. “Peppy Paula” loves the gym, she lives for the gym, she’s there so much she might as well pay rent, and she’s always so freakin peppy.
Even the happiest people can’t quite wrap their heads around how this woman is so cheery day after day. She’ll say hi to every one of the staff before bouncing from machine to machine with a cult-like smile on her face. She’ll spring around on the Stairmaster like today’s the first day she’s able to walk. She’ll make small talk at the water fountain, even if you have headphones on. The gym is her life, and by being in the gym, you are now an important part of her day. She wants to know all the important details of your life the first time she meets you. Pretending your music is too loud and you’re in the middle of Lat Pulldowns won’t help you either, she’ll counter that by throwing her towel down next to you and waiting for you to complete your set. Once you take a break, she’ll pounce with a barrage of niceties and questions. There’s nothing wrong with being friendly and polite, but Paula takes it to another level by “offering you a spot,” showing you pictures of her cat, describing her workout routine, and talking your ear off while on the treadmill next to you.
Forget enjoying your workout in peace with your own thoughts, you are now at the mercy of Paula’s verbal onslaught. Don’t feel too bad however, it could be worse. Feel bad instead for her family, who must get multiple phone calls per day, as well as her friends, who must want to run head-first into an oncoming train, and her therapist, who is most definitely reconsidering that career choice.
4. Sleazy Simon
Ladies, ever feel a bit insecure at a gym? You’re dressed in tight-fitting clothing, have no makeup on, and are sweating. You’d much rather complete your workout in peace and get out of there, right? Well that won’t be happening if you come across “Sleazy Simon.”
Simon is that guy. He’s been eyeing you every step you take, every time you lift something, every time you take a sip of water. He’s clearly unaware of social norms and boundaries and has opted to overtly stare at you and your lady parts. He acts as though if he stares hard enough, your clothes will pop off while doing squats.
Every now and then, you may come across a nightmarish combination of “Sleazy Simon” and “Aggro Alan,” in which case, you should probably just leave the gym (and possibly file a restraining order). In this instance, he will ogle you, maybe elbow one of his macho buddies and give you a cocky “head nod,” then eventually make his way over to you.
After flexing while trying to not look like he’s flexing, he’ll drop some horrible line, such as
“Great place to work out huh?”
“I love that machine. Hey are you in my Pilates class?”
Or “Do you come here often? You’re in great shape.”
In either case, it’s not a bad idea to carry around a can of mace, in case your glares don’t do the trick. It may seem a bit harsh, but sometimes people need to be taught a lesson on proper social behavior.
Note: If you actually mace somebody, please do not reference this article when questioned. Also, please videotape this encounter…it’ll probably be hilarious.
5. Exhibitionist Edward
Possibly the worst of these offenders, “Exhibitionist Edward” will torment you with graphic displays of skin and inappropriate clothing choices. He will haunt your dreams with a twisted, skin-tight mess of spandex and sweat stains. His view of himself and society’s view will differ greatly. In his head, he’s John Basedow…in reality; he’s more like John Goodman.
Bicycle shorts really shouldn’t be worn by anyone, but ol’ Edward seems to think that they’d be a good choice to wear in public. Skin rolls? No problem. Back Hair? No worries. Man breasts? Excellent—show them off! This baffling mindset may cause a wave of nausea around the gym, but it could be worse. Feel really bad for his significant other, his friends, anyone who sees him in workout attire, and most of all…the kids. Think of the children Edward!
If you can somehow manage to avoid these characters at the gym, consider yourself lucky. If you have your own private gym and have no idea what I’m talking about, also consider yourself lucky. For the rest of us who know these annoyances well; keep your eyes forward, your music loud, and good luck.
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Fun. - Carry On
