tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40777425431745929732024-03-13T12:55:37.297-07:00Snake AlleyWhere the hell is Wallis and Futuna? I'm 93% sure this is a fictional place.Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-746427530080596102012-12-10T22:46:00.000-08:002012-12-26T17:09:35.146-08:00Top 10 Albums of 2012<b>My Top 10 of 2012</b><br />
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10. P.O.S. –
We Don’t Even Live Here</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MDy0eZ_PnG0/UMbPizEVMWI/AAAAAAAAAHw/v5-cz8owc8Q/s1600/P.O.S.-We-Dont-Even-Live-Here.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MDy0eZ_PnG0/UMbPizEVMWI/AAAAAAAAAHw/v5-cz8owc8Q/s200/P.O.S.-We-Dont-Even-Live-Here.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_XJnadOFr4" target="_blank">Listen: P.O.S. "How We Land"</a></div>
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9. Paper Route - The Peace Of Wild Things<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9ljVENhwaTU/UMmilLx9TrI/AAAAAAAAAJI/7_eEFgvUmuA/s1600/paperroute.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9ljVENhwaTU/UMmilLx9TrI/AAAAAAAAAJI/7_eEFgvUmuA/s200/paperroute.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15Pwz-bIhus" target="_blank">Listen: Paper Route - Two Hearts</a></div>
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8. Sharks –
No Gods</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3LgFtZ-fXhM/UMbQE51px_I/AAAAAAAAAIA/xjCW1Yq85qM/s1600/sharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3LgFtZ-fXhM/UMbQE51px_I/AAAAAAAAAIA/xjCW1Yq85qM/s200/sharks.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxXNnEUGsxY" target="_blank">Listen: Sharks "Patient Spider"</a></div>
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7. Macklemore
& Ryan Lewis – The Heist</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mNuyfxH8rd0/UMbQX2s8bbI/AAAAAAAAAII/rPp2XyUjArk/s1600/Macklemore-album-cover-350x348.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mNuyfxH8rd0/UMbQX2s8bbI/AAAAAAAAAII/rPp2XyUjArk/s200/Macklemore-album-cover-350x348.png" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikjWrFm3qgA" target="_blank">Listen: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis "Thin Line"</a></div>
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6. Two Door Cinema Club - Beacon<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jsta0NMzUd8/UMbP5qnl5yI/AAAAAAAAAH4/YZogM0jsvvA/s1600/TDCC_Beacon_Final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jsta0NMzUd8/UMbP5qnl5yI/AAAAAAAAAH4/YZogM0jsvvA/s200/TDCC_Beacon_Final.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNj8UUVzl7c" target="_blank">Listen: Two Door Cinema Club "Sun"</a></div>
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5. Jack
White – Blunderbuss</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_lkmb25Dt2o/UMbQhZqBtDI/AAAAAAAAAIY/XTyWwyQNhgU/s1600/JackWhiteBlunderbuss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_lkmb25Dt2o/UMbQhZqBtDI/AAAAAAAAAIY/XTyWwyQNhgU/s200/JackWhiteBlunderbuss.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iErNRBTPbEc" target="_blank">Listen: Jack White "Love Interruption"</a></div>
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4. Imagine
Dragons – Night Visions</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y-NJ6GFWX5I/UMbQmczSUqI/AAAAAAAAAIg/GGMUD4WxPYE/s1600/Night+Visions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Y-NJ6GFWX5I/UMbQmczSUqI/AAAAAAAAAIg/GGMUD4WxPYE/s200/Night+Visions.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCVrC7Dg2qo" target="_blank">Listen: Imagine Dragons "On Top Of The World"</a></div>
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3. Passion
Pit – Gossamer</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cK91qMA1Tgc/UMbQpyiNUVI/AAAAAAAAAIo/BQ-PzSUm8gE/s1600/passion-pit-Gossamer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cK91qMA1Tgc/UMbQpyiNUVI/AAAAAAAAAIo/BQ-PzSUm8gE/s200/passion-pit-Gossamer.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZQ5aNrwYcM" target="_blank">Listen: Passion Pit "Carried Away"</a></div>
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2. A Silent
Film – Sand & Snow</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F2nS_GMm9TI/UMbQt3Al43I/AAAAAAAAAIw/aTPbF-iqX_A/s1600/A-Silent-Film-Sand-Snow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F2nS_GMm9TI/UMbQt3Al43I/AAAAAAAAAIw/aTPbF-iqX_A/s200/A-Silent-Film-Sand-Snow.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M63EHS6yrO0" target="_blank">Listen: A Silent Film "Harbour Lights"</a></div>
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1. The
Gaslight Anthem – Handwritten</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w3trDmSDOHY/UMbQyBeXjoI/AAAAAAAAAI4/AcuZhVx7tT0/s1600/GaslightAnthemHandwritten.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w3trDmSDOHY/UMbQyBeXjoI/AAAAAAAAAI4/AcuZhVx7tT0/s200/GaslightAnthemHandwritten.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf-rEslupnY" target="_blank">Listen: The Gaslight Anthem "Handwritten"</a></div>
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<b>EP’s: </b></div>
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Youngblood
Hawke – Youngblood Hawke EP</div>
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The
Griswolds – Heart of a Lion EP</div>
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William
Beckett – Winds Will Change EP<br />
The Mowgli's - Love's Not Dead EP</div>
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<b>Awesome
songs from others in 2012:</b></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teXk_EfBC3Q" target="_blank">Anberlin – Little Tyrants</a><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGmCjVbC1CY" target="_blank">Atlas Genius - Trojans</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh8OTO4wSMs" target="_blank">Band Of Horses – Knock Knock</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-fA-gBCkj0" target="_blank">Bruno Mars –Locked Out Of Heaven</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aga91aW_trk" target="_blank">Capital Cities – One Minute More</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcWOBW2G50A" target="_blank">Childish Gambino – Black Faces</a><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFdsq8ihkTY" target="_blank">Ghost Beach – Empty Streets</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1x1wjGKHjBI" target="_blank">Grouplove –Tongue Tied</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDoVdkPXNKI" target="_blank">Kendrick Lamar – The Recipe</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMbyWSGYUgc" target="_blank">The Killers – Runaways</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu-04tzgg54" target="_blank">Misser – I’m Really Starting To Hope The World Ends In 2012</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcE9O2otHxs" target="_blank">Morning Parade – Headlights</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ar61Z_18PU" target="_blank">Motion City Soundtrack - The Coma Kid</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVVlvV5jztM" target="_blank">The Mowgli’s – San Francisco</a>
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<a href="http://www.alterthepress.com/2012/12/atp-exclusive-stream-safe-lloyd-dobler.html" target="_blank">Safe – Lloyd Dobler</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jInGnECphLo" target="_blank">Santigold –The Keepers</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoLTPcD1S4Q" target="_blank">The Shins – Simple Song</a><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxSWj5bou9M" target="_blank">Silversun Pickups – Bloody Mary (Nerve Endings)</a>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_2JjIUKEu4" target="_blank">St. Lucia – Closer Than This</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9e9NSMY8QiQ" target="_blank">Tegan and Sara - Closer</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtmVKxHcMRQ" target="_blank">Twenty One Pilots – Holding On To You</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDVW81bXo0s" target="_blank">Walk The Moon – Anna Sun</a>
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If you missed any of this great music, be sure to check it out all over the inter-webs!</div>
Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-80141422128487499262012-12-06T16:58:00.000-08:002012-12-06T16:58:00.398-08:00Trojan Condoms to Sponsor New Bowl<br />
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Five new potential bowls are petitioning for acceptance into
the already crowded Bowl Season. I know what you’re thinking: “Between the
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Meineke Car Care
Bowl, and the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl, I just don’t think there’s room for more
ridiculously named bowls in my bowl-watching calendar.” It’s a valid point, but money talks…and
apparently the ratings and ticket sales for the San Diego County Credit Union
Poinsettia Bowl far outweigh the alternative: pre-season college field hockey.</div>
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Some are questioning the need for more bowls. There are
already 35 bowls, some pitting 6-6 teams against each other. But rather than
question mediocrity, these new potential bowls celebrate it. Here’s a look at
the candidates:</div>
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Candidate 1:
Trojan “Stiff D(Fense) Bowl.”</div>
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Location:
Dickeyville, Wisconsin. </div>
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Pitch: The
Stiff D(Fense) Bowl will pit one of the nation’s stiffest defenses vs. one of
the most lubricated offensive teams for a friction-filled fracas.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-npW3usmYifo/UME-J5muk4I/AAAAAAAAAHA/Jf97igWnE88/s1600/trojan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-npW3usmYifo/UME-J5muk4I/AAAAAAAAAHA/Jf97igWnE88/s1600/trojan.jpg" /></a></div>
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Candidate 2:
The Greater Des Moines Waste Management “Rubbish Bowl.”</div>
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Location:
Des Moines, Iowa.</div>
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Pitch: A
“parody” bowl, this cleverly-sponsored bowl will pit the two worst teams in
Division I football against each other in a hilarious celebration of incompetence.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0N1-nzgLJZw/UME-YiaDoKI/AAAAAAAAAHI/uv5tnFRZnrg/s1600/map_of_des_moines_ia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0N1-nzgLJZw/UME-YiaDoKI/AAAAAAAAAHI/uv5tnFRZnrg/s320/map_of_des_moines_ia.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Candidate 3:
The Rascal Scooters “Geriatric Bowl.”</div>
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Location: Boca
Raton, Florida.</div>
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Pitch: This bowl
is a matchup of the two teams in college football with the most Seniors.
Providing graduating Seniors with one last chance for gridiron glory, the Geriatric
Bowl exclusively plays Frank Sinatra on the loudspeakers and will be over by
noon.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Rr-mJoZRxOQ/UME-lazzY7I/AAAAAAAAAHQ/0iPf66VG_vU/s1600/mobility03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Rr-mJoZRxOQ/UME-lazzY7I/AAAAAAAAAHQ/0iPf66VG_vU/s1600/mobility03.jpg" /></a></div>
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Candidate 4:
The Alaskan Tourism Board “Barrow Bowl.”</div>
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Location:
Barrow, Alaska.</div>
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Pitch: In
the ultimate display of senseless irony, the Barrow Bowl will match up two
deserving “warm weather” teams in the nation’s northernmost city, Barrow,
Alaska in late December.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gnoHAlZQ5cY/UME-60ak7DI/AAAAAAAAAHY/Y50prvZjHiQ/s1600/snow-bowl.jpe" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gnoHAlZQ5cY/UME-60ak7DI/AAAAAAAAAHY/Y50prvZjHiQ/s320/snow-bowl.jpe" width="320" /></a></div>
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Candidate 5:
The O’Reilly Auto Parts in association with PetSmart, Linens N’ Things, and
Home Depot “Corporate Sponsorship Bowl,” brought to you by Toys ‘R Us and
Wendy’s.</div>
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Location: Rotating
locations based on corporate bidding.</div>
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Pitch: This
is actually the new proposed name for the BCS National Championship Game.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bxcQC-nBtgY/UME_EP1VJgI/AAAAAAAAAHg/BU5K5JSbues/s1600/250px-Bcs_logo_2010.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bxcQC-nBtgY/UME_EP1VJgI/AAAAAAAAAHg/BU5K5JSbues/s1600/250px-Bcs_logo_2010.png" /></a></div>
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If you’re a
fan of a never-ending bowl season, keep an eye out for one of these new bowls
that may be popping up (not a Stiff D(fense) Bowl pun) sometime in the near
future. In the meantime, set those DVR’s…you won’t want to miss a minute of the
Franklin Mortgage American Music City Bowl!</div>
Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-8032689514687307932012-03-26T14:41:00.000-07:002012-03-26T14:41:15.507-07:00Can you spell racism? Mississippi Can't<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">If there’s one thing Mississippi knows, it’s good ole fashioned racism. Recently, the southern “charm” of the state was in full effect for a March Madness game between Kansas State and Southern Mississippi. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">In a first round clash between the two schools, Kansas State guard Angel Rodriguez was the victim of some vitriol in the form of a chant from the Southern Miss band. While Rodriguez was at the free throw line, members of the band began chanting “Where’s your green card?”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">Let’s face it…that’s kind of funny. Still, to chant it in the middle of the biggest basketball tournament in the world takes some kind of “let’s throw caution to the white wind” mentality I could never imagine. While slightly clever, the remark is just as bad as a homophobic slur or other racial diatribe. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">In an attempt to not start hate wars, the school has penalized and suspended those members of the band and issued an apology.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Rodriguez had a wonderful response. He managed to provide a fitting retort, while displaying terrible, terrible grammar.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I heard it. I don't pay attention to that nonsense, especially because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, so we don't need no type of papers,” said Rodriguez. Simple, effective, and conveyed in the type of sentence structure Mississippians can understand.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This isn’t the first episode for the Southern Miss band. They have been notorious all year long for their chants and antics during games. Earlier in the season, during a game, they singled out an Asian player on an opposing team by chanting “Ching-Chang-Chung” and throwing rice onto the court. Not long after that, in a game featuring a player from Africa, the band members chanted “Kony’s got your brother.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Terrible? Yes. Wrong? Absolutely. Let’s face it though, it’s Mississippi…the state that is last or near last in every major education category. You know those “Take a penny, leave a penny” trays? We should have a “Take a state, leave a state” option for our shittier states. Give that racist, backward, intellectually stunted state to Canada. Those dumb maple syrup-loving, pot smoking, hockey playing hippies will be too busy replaying Wayne Gretzky highlights to notice.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
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<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: #073763; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ1aEaRyR5A" target="_blank">TWDY - Players Holiday</a></span></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-83994136369450620912012-03-05T11:51:00.000-08:002012-03-05T11:51:59.151-08:00The Wussiest Sports Mascots<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">When I think of professional sports, I think of elite athletes engaged in fierce competition. As such, it’s only fitting that sports teams should be named something intimidating, right? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Some organizations have done a great job with this, such as the Memphis Grizzlies, New Jersey Devils, and Nashville Predators. Others have completely missed the mark, often times quite comically. Let’s take a look at some of the more ridiculous mascots.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">*Note: This list only includes major professional sports teams...sorry Wichita Wingnuts and Scottsdale Community College Fightin’ Artichokes.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Baltimore Orioles</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T6ulYsGKOQI/T1UWzXsDvvI/AAAAAAAAAFg/0fkLRyJNjU8/s1600/orioles.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-T6ulYsGKOQI/T1UWzXsDvvI/AAAAAAAAAFg/0fkLRyJNjU8/s200/orioles.gif" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Baltimore team founder: “What are we thinking guys?” </span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Employee that is secretly sniffing glue: “How about a non-aggressive small bird that no one has ever heard of?” </span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Baltimore team founder (7 Mint Juleps deep): “Perfect!”</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Washington Capitals</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NGHDdJgYssQ/T1UXAjYGcJI/AAAAAAAAAFo/GBKR1talE8M/s1600/capitals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NGHDdJgYssQ/T1UXAjYGcJI/AAAAAAAAAFo/GBKR1talE8M/s200/capitals.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Just so lazy. That’s lazier than me right now…and I’m lying in bed eating a muffin at noon on a weekday.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Miami Dolphins</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-B5_kjoO-Q/T1UXHgHvGsI/AAAAAAAAAFw/w7ZE6GpX4Rk/s1600/dolphins.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-B5_kjoO-Q/T1UXHgHvGsI/AAAAAAAAAFw/w7ZE6GpX4Rk/s200/dolphins.bmp" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">300 pound steroid-infused beasts colliding with each other in one of the most intense, violent sports in the world, and you pick the most adorable mascot you possibly could? That’s ballsy.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Milwaukee Brewers</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H3-deX5rXfM/T1UXMDEBpJI/AAAAAAAAAF4/bWQAThMh5yI/s1600/brewers.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="114" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H3-deX5rXfM/T1UXMDEBpJI/AAAAAAAAAF4/bWQAThMh5yI/s200/brewers.gif" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Be honest…you were clearly just drunk when you thought of this.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Seattle Seahawks</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YkNrz9Yv8RM/T1UXQO1jnsI/AAAAAAAAAGA/0LmwY6t8pfI/s1600/seahawks.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="82" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YkNrz9Yv8RM/T1UXQO1jnsI/AAAAAAAAAGA/0LmwY6t8pfI/s200/seahawks.gif" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Is that even a real animal? I feel like they really missed the boat by not calling the team the “Seattle Sasquatches.” Just as real as a “Seahawk” and much more intimidating.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Washington Wizards/Orlando Magic</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Im-uog7_AhY/T1UXYHAgnHI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/2H5IdaEgp-k/s1600/wizards.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Im-uog7_AhY/T1UXYHAgnHI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/2H5IdaEgp-k/s1600/wizards.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pnrbLpAZAPw/T1UXUOlOmtI/AAAAAAAAAGI/gjRJ2ZrT75Q/s1600/magic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pnrbLpAZAPw/T1UXUOlOmtI/AAAAAAAAAGI/gjRJ2ZrT75Q/s200/magic.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Surprised your players wear basketball shorts and not glittery skirts.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Edmonton Oilers</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VW-4qp7jLnU/T1UXckjXhQI/AAAAAAAAAGY/CkB19XqYG_4/s1600/oilers.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VW-4qp7jLnU/T1UXckjXhQI/AAAAAAAAAGY/CkB19XqYG_4/s200/oilers.bmp" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">WTF?</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Cleveland Browns</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-bWyHU8saQ/T1UXgRCzOjI/AAAAAAAAAGg/7lsSc2YuUjw/s1600/browns.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q-bWyHU8saQ/T1UXgRCzOjI/AAAAAAAAAGg/7lsSc2YuUjw/s200/browns.jpg" width="169" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Joke of a name, joke of a franchise.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Ottawa Senators</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jxuf02uWcXk/T1UXlOIl8mI/AAAAAAAAAGo/M9yNSi_inYQ/s1600/senators.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jxuf02uWcXk/T1UXlOIl8mI/AAAAAAAAAGo/M9yNSi_inYQ/s200/senators.bmp" width="169" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">This one’s just perplexing. Such an odd mascot for a sports team (Unless its Senator Scott Brown…I wouldn’t want to play that team).</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">New Jersey Nets</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tIWZclnfBHE/T1UXo53UR6I/AAAAAAAAAGw/hSZx5LCRNLQ/s1600/nets.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tIWZclnfBHE/T1UXo53UR6I/AAAAAAAAAGw/hSZx5LCRNLQ/s1600/nets.gif" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Just file this under “Least creative name ever” category. Might as well have just gone with the “New Jersey Balls” and at least had some fun with it.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Toronto Maple Leafs</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e6tsNpTy59o/T1UXtqK7rgI/AAAAAAAAAG4/jj4BBsdevZs/s1600/leafs.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e6tsNpTy59o/T1UXtqK7rgI/AAAAAAAAAG4/jj4BBsdevZs/s200/leafs.gif" width="184" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Possibly the toughest sport out there and you go with FOLIAGE? Seriously? No, seriously?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Let's hope that some of the owners of these teams get the message and change their mascots to fierce, bloodthirsty animals or something equally as frightening. The New Jersey Chupacabras has a nice ring to it...or maybe the Toronto Anacondas.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Actually, what could be even better is if some of them read this, and just to spite me, change their name to something even wussier, such as the Edmonton Unicorns, or the Seattle Ponies.</span></div><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: </span></strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLK4oaXUuLg" target="_blank"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Two Door Cinema Club - Undercover Martyn</span></strong></a></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-4827515221774782202012-03-01T10:46:00.001-08:002012-03-01T10:47:14.933-08:00Caption Fun 2<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">More caption fun! Never the most intelligent subject matter, but always good for a laugh.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EZ1BCXDzAm4/T0_DJzc4wjI/AAAAAAAAAFY/K3gn4gTe7Xo/s1600/wrestling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EZ1BCXDzAm4/T0_DJzc4wjI/AAAAAAAAAFY/K3gn4gTe7Xo/s320/wrestling.jpg" uda="true" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--I’m gonna get so many chicks if I win this match</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--U.S.A: rubbing our balls on the rest of the world since 1776</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--5 more seconds and he’ll be unconscious…beef stroganoff for lunch was an excellent choice</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--Tony was right, wrestling is gay. I’m gonna give that guy the angriest blowjob tonight</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--I spy something brown</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--Years of training well spent. Next project: search for Loch Ness Monster</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--Winning the match: awesome. Forcible skull-fuck: icing on the cake</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--Is it legal if I fart, or will I get disqualified?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--And they said I’d never learn anything at Morehead State</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--In America, we call this a “sack lunch”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--Somewhere in the distance I can hear my father crying</span></div><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley song of the day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDVW81bXo0s&ob=av2e" target="_blank">Walk the Moon - Anna Sun</a></span></strong>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-32515687468658904922012-02-19T17:31:00.000-08:002012-02-19T19:58:46.199-08:00Recreation. Leisure. Excellence.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I recently found out the program I received my degree in at Florida State will no longer be offered. The prestigious Recreation & Leisure program will see its last graduates this spring…quite sad. I learned so much from that program, including:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-How to properly funnel a beer</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-How to budget by drinking heavily before going to bars</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-How to stay organized (Keep a schedule of which parties to attend on certain nights, etc)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-The effects of a “gravity bong”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-When to rotate to get an even tan at the pool</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Proper arc on your beer pong shot</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">And much much more.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The Rec & Leisure program at FSU spawned many scholastic superstars and taught its graduates how to thrive at the next level. The curriculum taught me many things, not always academic, and not always valuable…but certainly ALWAYS fun. In memoriam of a legendary program and a few years of hazy, crazy fun, I present a pictorial remembrance, chronicling this program’s pursuit of academic excellence.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times;">1. Study Group</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R70aOGqFYKU/T0GfvNeYaXI/AAAAAAAAAEA/jMH1uKifFDc/s1600/rec11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R70aOGqFYKU/T0GfvNeYaXI/AAAAAAAAAEA/jMH1uKifFDc/s320/rec11.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. Outdoor Pursuits</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RUFt4205Csw/T0GgIuqeDuI/AAAAAAAAAEI/xXdVwsLqi2c/s1600/rec14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RUFt4205Csw/T0GgIuqeDuI/AAAAAAAAAEI/xXdVwsLqi2c/s320/rec14.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. Nutrition and Proper Hydration</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Stf5g0Rg8qQ/T0GgrrNueoI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/HE3mcKj3EU4/s1600/rec1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Stf5g0Rg8qQ/T0GgrrNueoI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/HE3mcKj3EU4/s1600/rec1.jpg" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xuwmau16uvk/T0Ggsh2oZiI/AAAAAAAAAEY/nQJt9HXHoKI/s1600/rec4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xuwmau16uvk/T0Ggsh2oZiI/AAAAAAAAAEY/nQJt9HXHoKI/s1600/rec4.jpg" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dyhXvTTjk34/T0GgwOgcwhI/AAAAAAAAAEg/S1UzxfSqtoI/s1600/rec7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dyhXvTTjk34/T0GgwOgcwhI/AAAAAAAAAEg/S1UzxfSqtoI/s1600/rec7.jpg" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ixpuhy6CAoo/T0Gg1bxm_II/AAAAAAAAAEo/YgQfCkRpxF8/s1600/rec9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ixpuhy6CAoo/T0Gg1bxm_II/AAAAAAAAAEo/YgQfCkRpxF8/s1600/rec9.jpg" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. Cultural Studies</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fWUJLyC7nLk/T0Gg_ody2fI/AAAAAAAAAEw/rtWAA2haI5s/s1600/rec10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fWUJLyC7nLk/T0Gg_ody2fI/AAAAAAAAAEw/rtWAA2haI5s/s320/rec10.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y4Fob8ZIKCA/T0GhBzdgZPI/AAAAAAAAAE4/41NWD32sODk/s1600/rec12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y4Fob8ZIKCA/T0GhBzdgZPI/AAAAAAAAAE4/41NWD32sODk/s320/rec12.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. Environmental Conservation</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RRdhc7d3bjA/T0GhRD0rKWI/AAAAAAAAAFA/3scfg1_YWbo/s1600/rec13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RRdhc7d3bjA/T0GhRD0rKWI/AAAAAAAAAFA/3scfg1_YWbo/s320/rec13.jpg" width="320" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">6. Athletics</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qd4LII14E5E/T0GhaOpUXjI/AAAAAAAAAFI/VydytfdbBvs/s1600/rec2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qd4LII14E5E/T0GhaOpUXjI/AAAAAAAAAFI/VydytfdbBvs/s320/rec2.jpg" width="145" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S09NyjTZp4s/T0Ghb0GhtBI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/6J8SUG6pE2s/s1600/rec5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S09NyjTZp4s/T0Ghb0GhtBI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/6J8SUG6pE2s/s320/rec5.jpg" width="212" yda="true" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">R.I.P. R&L</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>No one really knows - 2012</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Your legacy will live on.</span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: </span></strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhjNm20XbXw" target="_blank"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Billy Joel - Only The Good Die Young</span></strong></a><br />
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</div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-420446489926845822012-02-10T21:13:00.000-08:002012-02-19T19:59:27.572-08:00Movie Foreplay<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I recently went to the movies for the first time in a long time. Saw a great movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Very sad, very effective. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good stuff. Anywho, setting aside the fact that I paid more to get in there than I do for a week’s worth of groceries (I eat strictly ramen and gum. Very strenuous diet of broth and chewing. Good for the mandibles), I was amazed at how generic and predictable the previews have become. Create a good trailer, and the movie can be (and usually is) crap. Here is my simple 5 step formula for creating a money-making trailer in today’s movie industry.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Romantic comedy or drama:</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. Hot guy and hot girl meet</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. Something is wrong with one of them, or one of them does something wrong</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. They must fight for each other</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. At some point they’re either wet, nearly naked, or both</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. A song by The Fray plays in the background</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Boom. Done. Call it a day and collect your paycheck. It doesn’t matter if the guy is Channing Tatum or Paul Walker and conveys emotion like a bag of bricks (except the bag of bricks in the 1987 heartfelt classic “Love in a Sack,” that bag was touching…I cried), he’s hot, she’s hot, and The Fray seals the deal.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Comedy:</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. Two buddies who are just so hilariously opposite in personality and appearance interact</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. Introduce some wacky characters or guest stars</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. Show one or two of them falling down or getting hit by something</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. Don’t hint at any plot, because there’s probably no hint of a plot</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. Show an animal or small child doing something funny</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">6. A song by The Fray plays in the background</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Action/Adventure:</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. Introduce muscular lead character with a noticeable lack of acting skills, masked by a large amount of veins</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. Explosions!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. Include a car chase, and most likely a car crash</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. Throw in a hot chick, or several hot chicks, to rub lead character’s muscles and make out with him</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. Something’s on fire, or someone’s running through fire</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">6. Explosions!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">7. Gunfighting and dueling with bad guys</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">8. Explosions!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">9. A oddly out of place song by The Fray plays in the background</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Thriller:</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. Ominous lighting and fearful teenagers</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. Skinny, attractive white people on vacation</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. Creepy voice-over dude</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. Quick bursts of action, including breasts of some sort (a scare in the shower, killer lurking in the bushes peering into the bedroom, etc)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. An unbelievably out of place song by The Fray playing in the background</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Silent Film:</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. A song by The Fray written out in captions</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Pretty simple ingredients will make any movie trailer a success and lure people in. Whether the movie is any good doesn’t matter, they’ve already got your 84 dollars (price of ticket, plus gallon jug of Coke).</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MW7FJkeIfLI" target="_blank">The Fray - The Fighter</a></span></strong></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-77454357414256471452012-01-26T10:51:00.000-08:002012-01-26T10:51:20.625-08:005 People to avoid at the gym<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>1. Aggro Alan</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Forget about “working in” on any machine this meat-head is using, he’ll be a while. “Aggro Alan” is at every gym. He’s the guy that looks like his muscles have muscles on top of them, and you better believe he wants to show off as many of them as possible. That’s why his once in-tact “Cabo Wabo” t-shirt is ripped off at the arms and now resembles a tattered rag. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">What’s in that water bottle he’s using? Probably some mixture of whey protein, soy protein, whey-based soy protein, and creatine. If you squirted it on a roach, it’d probably die. Alan will do whatever he can to make you feel inadequately weak while taking up as much space and equipment in the gym as possible.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Do your best to avoid “Aggro Alan” at the gym and do not feel bad you’re not as strong as him. Instead, feel bad for his significant other, his friends, his tailor, small dogs he may try to pet, and the two-dozen chickens/turkeys/cows/hogs/large fleshy animals that had to die so his fridge could be stocked for the week.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>2. Shauny Sweats</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“Is it raining?” You wish. That’s just “Shauny Sweats” announcing his presence without saying a word. This is an unfortunate interaction, because in many cases, “Shauny Sweats” is a nice person who doesn’t mean to be an annoyance. He just sweats…a lot. He’ll make you think that the bicep machine was just rubbed down in vegetable oil. In a shocking display of unawareness, Shauny often leaves his machine without wiping off his puddle of sweat. Sometimes, Shaun will induce a monsoon of perspiration when sloshing through the miles on a treadmill or stair-stepper. In these instances, it’s not out of the question to wear waterproof headgear or a poncho.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Does he have a glandular problem? Or has he simply been working out for three hours and sweating like a Sumo wrestler in South Florida? Either way, there’s always a Shauny…sweating profusely and usually grunting as he strains to get in that last rep. Shaun can sometimes also morph into a “Stinky Stan,” in which case, you may be better off simply leaving the gym.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Don’t feel bad if you mistakenly sit down in a pool of “Shaun Juice” (awkward choice of words) and get his sweat all over you. Instead, feel bad for his significant other, his co-workers, his laundry basket, the piece of paper he attempts to write on, and anyone within 10 feet of his treadmill.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>3. Peppy Paula</strong> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">You can see her coming a mile away. Everyone knows her…at least they will know her by the time they leave the gym today. “Peppy Paula” loves the gym, she lives for the gym, she’s there so much she might as well pay rent, and she’s always so freakin peppy. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Even the happiest people can’t quite wrap their heads around how this woman is so cheery day after day. She’ll say hi to every one of the staff before bouncing from machine to machine with a cult-like smile on her face. She’ll spring around on the Stairmaster like today’s the first day she’s able to walk. She’ll make small talk at the water fountain, even if you have headphones on. The gym is her life, and by being in the gym, you are now an important part of her day. She wants to know all the important details of your life the first time she meets you. Pretending your music is too loud and you’re in the middle of Lat Pulldowns won’t help you either, she’ll counter that by throwing her towel down next to you and waiting for you to complete your set. Once you take a break, she’ll pounce with a barrage of niceties and questions. There’s nothing wrong with being friendly and polite, but Paula takes it to another level by “offering you a spot,” showing you pictures of her cat, describing her workout routine, and talking your ear off while on the treadmill next to you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Forget enjoying your workout in peace with your own thoughts, you are now at the mercy of Paula’s verbal onslaught. Don’t feel too bad however, it could be worse. Feel bad instead for her family, who must get multiple phone calls per day, as well as her friends, who must want to run head-first into an oncoming train, and her therapist, who is most definitely reconsidering that career choice.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>4. Sleazy Simon</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ladies, ever feel a bit insecure at a gym? You’re dressed in tight-fitting clothing, have no makeup on, and are sweating. You’d much rather complete your workout in peace and get out of there, right? Well that won’t be happening if you come across “Sleazy Simon.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Simon is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that </i>guy. He’s been eyeing you every step you take, every time you lift something, every time you take a sip of water. He’s clearly unaware of social norms and boundaries and has opted to overtly stare at you and your lady parts. He acts as though if he stares hard enough, your clothes will pop off while doing squats. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Every now and then, you may come across a nightmarish combination of “Sleazy Simon” and “Aggro Alan,” in which case, you should probably just leave the gym (and possibly file a restraining order). In this instance, he will ogle you, maybe elbow one of his macho buddies and give you a cocky “head nod,” then eventually make his way over to you.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">After flexing while trying to not look like he’s flexing, he’ll drop some horrible line, such as</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“Great place to work out huh?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“I love that machine. Hey are you in my Pilates class?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Or “Do you come here often? You’re in great shape.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">In either case, it’s not a bad idea to carry around a can of mace, in case your glares don’t do the trick. It may seem a bit harsh, but sometimes people need to be taught a lesson on proper social behavior. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Note: If you actually mace somebody, please do not reference this article when questioned. Also, please videotape this encounter…it’ll probably be hilarious.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>5. Exhibitionist Edward</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Possibly the worst of these offenders, “Exhibitionist Edward” will torment you with graphic displays of skin and inappropriate clothing choices. He will haunt your dreams with a twisted, skin-tight mess of spandex and sweat stains. His view of himself and society’s view will differ greatly. In his head, he’s John Basedow…in reality; he’s more like John Goodman. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Bicycle shorts really shouldn’t be worn by anyone, but ol’ Edward seems to think that they’d be a good choice to wear in public. Skin rolls? No problem. Back Hair? No worries. Man breasts? Excellent—show them off! This baffling mindset may cause a wave of nausea around the gym, but it could be worse. Feel really bad for his significant other, his friends, anyone who sees him in workout attire, and most of all…the kids. Think of the children Edward!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">If you can somehow manage to avoid these characters at the gym, consider yourself lucky. If you have your own private gym and have no idea what I’m talking about, also consider yourself lucky. For the rest of us who know these annoyances well; keep your eyes forward, your music loud, and good luck.</span></div><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc-vNR1D4X8" target="_blank">Fun. - Carry On</a></span></strong>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-10225954735547980742012-01-24T22:19:00.000-08:002012-01-24T22:22:55.588-08:00Money Money Money Money...Money!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“You’re a slave to money, then you die.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve, The 90’s</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I’ve always believed five days of work and two days of fun is not a formula that needs to be followed. We get stuck in roles and stereotypes, plus most jobs tend to force us into this, but ‘working for the weekend’ seems so fleeting and pretty fucking boring. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I could make enough money teaching tennis to live extremely comfortably and build savings. I don’t do this though. I scrape by on rent, have no savings, and am still stuck in the ‘getting by’ phase of financial security. Why? For one, teaching that much tennis would completely burn me out, leaving me exhausted physically and mentally. Second, I’d have no time to enjoy myself, write and pursue other interests, explore, live like I want to live, and construct grandiose run-on sentences. I’d be working for that little two day window to get out and have fun with the rest of the working world.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">One of my tennis clients has his own island. Yes, his own island. I have no idea how he got his money; whether he worked tirelessly and became successful or was born into it, but he certainly knows how to spend his money. Working in a rich area has definitely sparked my imagination as to what I would do if I inherited or fell into a bunch of money. Rather than putting it in a boring bank account, or purchasing that status-symbol Beemer that looks like every other car in the Merrill Lynch parking lot, I have some more out-of-the-box ideas for what I’d do with my cash…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">1. Purchase every dog in animal shelters around the LA area, get them some good food, then film my own reality show. The premise: one guy trying to live with a thousand dogs. Imagine the struggle for space on the bed, the constant overflow of poop, and the household politics. Poor little dogs get a home, plus we get to watch one dude most likely have a nervous breakdown. It’ll be totally unscripted, but will still somehow have better writing than “The Big Bang Theory.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">*If the dogs overtake him and the guy dies, we’ll just get a new guy. It’ll be like survivor, only with homicide.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">2. Hire enough people to herd the members of Nickelback into a van at gunpoint. After duct taping their mouths, berating them with verbal mockery and insults, and setting loose a live raccoon, they will be forced into exile on their own island (surrounded by hungry, vicious sharks). The island will have a radio with enough battery power to last a year. The radio will play Nickelback’s Greatest Hits (oxymoron) on repeat until they promise to never make music again. Enough is enough.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">3. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Start my own law enforcement branch, the “Grammar Police.” Anyone caught using “Your, You’re,” or “Their, There, They’re” incorrectly will be forced to repeat the 2<sup>nd</sup> grade.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">4. Blow it all in Vegas. They could use the extra cash.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">5. Buy a house in every state (except Kansas…I’m not a masochist), then hire a sky-writer to write “SNAKE IS EVERYWHERE, BITCH!” in the sky. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">*No, I’m not drunk, I just think that’d be pretty funny. I’d probably give most of the houses away to deserving people…especially the ones in shitty states.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">6. Buy a house on the beach, then open up a Chik-fil-a inside my house. First of all, Chik-fil-a is fucking delicious. Second, the employees are always extremely friendly. Add in a Pop-A-Shot machine, a beer fountain, and a Swedish masseuse and I’m probably not leaving that house…ever.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">These suggestions are just the tip of the iceberg (not a Titanic joke). In the end, I’m just happy being able to pay rent (fingers still crossed for this month). I don’t need all that stuff, I’d love some of it, but I value free time and experiences more than earnings and financial success. I sincerely hope to never become a mindless slave to money so I can continue to tell jokes, run on the beach trying to be Hasselhoff, and of course, write a disjointed, goofy comedy blog.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oh by the way, reading Snake Alley now costs $1.99 per page view…I need some extra cash. Thanks.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Snake Alley Song of the Day: </strong></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lyu1KKwC74" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony</strong></span></a>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-11380421845971864652012-01-23T18:33:00.000-08:002012-01-23T18:33:48.745-08:00Legal Death Aides<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">No, this entry is not about Dr. Kevorkian, although for the record, any man that can have </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">success labeling himself “The Suicide Doctor” and not be a part of some obscure death-metal band must </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">be doing something right.</span></span> <br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I’m talking about a different kind of assisted suicide, smoking. Smoking kills 4 out of every 9 </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">people in America today, according to a study I made up. The numbers for children are even more </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">staggering. The same study says that 1 out of every 3 children will die a smoking related death. </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Shocking, I know.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-twWq4NquA7s/Tx4YU6c0xFI/AAAAAAAAAD4/-73rnfDIp5g/s1600/baby_cigarette%252CLighting_Up2222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" nfa="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-twWq4NquA7s/Tx4YU6c0xFI/AAAAAAAAAD4/-73rnfDIp5g/s320/baby_cigarette%252CLighting_Up2222.jpg" width="297" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Let’s face it; Hollywood has traditionally been to blame for at least a small part of that influence </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">on children. James Dean: what a stone cold badass. Aaron Eckhart in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Thank You for Smoking</i>: I’d buy </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">anything that man sells. He could make me trade my car for a corned beef sandwich infected with </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">mononucleosis. Patty and Selma from The Simpsons: come on—how could you not want to smoke after </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">watching those two foxes hack their way through carton after sexy carton?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">At some point, regardless of media persuasion or peer pressure, people have to make their own </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">decisions—and therein lies my beef (not corned). I just don’t get the appeal. You inhale, die a little bit </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">more each time, then it’s over. If I’m going to spend my money on some “substance,” I better get a little </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">more bang for my buck than that. Beer or alcohol, I get it—you get buzzed, drunk, hammered, sloshed, </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">blitzed, shitfaced, blacked out…you get the idea. Other drugs, I get it too—you get trippy, high, messed </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">up, crazy, jiggly, muddy, clammy, arrested for indecent exposure…you get the idea. There just aren’t any </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">highs to cigarettes. It’s not looked upon as something ‘cool’ anymore, it doesn’t enhance or change your </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">mental state in any way, it just gives you smoker’s cough, yellow teeth, and a slew of diseases and </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">conditions that will end your life prematurely. That doesn’t sound sexy to me (except you Patty and </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Selma, I will love you always).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I tried to put together a pros and cons list of smoking to see if I could come up with any pros. My </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">cons list was longer than my typewriter could produce. (Yes, I still use a typewriter, I’m old fashioned. </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">You crazy kids and your computers and your rock music). I only had one pro: you have some company </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">outside in the freezing cold Piscataway, New Jersey winter when the manager at Bennigan’s makes you </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">take it outside with the other “wheezy’s.” (Yes, as you probably have noticed by now, I use lots of </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">specific and obscure references. I guess it all goes back to the time I was at Taco Johns and bumped into </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Peter Saarsgard and we started to play a game of Connect Four, but he had to leave because he said he </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">wanted to get home to make sure he caught the new episode of Clarissa Explains it All, but I think he was </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">just leaving because I was about to win—Clarissa hadn’t been on the air in nine years).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Yes, I also use a</span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">lot of parentheses. You can find me on TV and radio doing advertisements for parentheses, I support </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">them whole-heartedly and if I use 200 in my blog this month they will give me two tickets to the next Lady Gaga </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">concert))))).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now, back to cancer sticks.* Past the issue of why people start smoking, it’s clear that they </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">continue because they are addicted to them. Addiction is another thing I don’t understand. The closest I </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">ever came to addiction was Funyuns and Mountain Dew (two 6-packs of Dew a day is normal, right?).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Most people with addictions seem to realize they have an addiction. If you understand you have an </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">addiction to something that is horribly harmful to you, well, you should probably find a way to stop. Did </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I really have to spell that out for you? Get your ass some Nicorette and get in gear!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The ones who don’t realize it or are in denial, wake the fuck up! </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">That persistent cough ain’t from the smog, and no you “can’t stop whenever you want.” </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, in conclusion (because I’ve run out of things to say, and I’ve met my daily quotient of </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">parentheses), if you’re addicted to the ciggys, get some help. If not, don’t start, they aren’t cool </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">anymore. Maybe try some shrooms.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">*Cancer sticks in this case refer to cigarettes, not the other widely known use: as a nickname coined by </span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">dozens of former girlfriends of Nicolas Cage. The name refers to both his skinny legs and the growing </span></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">urge to kill yourself when you’re around him.</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dX3k_QDnzHE" target="_blank">M83 - Midnight City</a></strong></span></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-70264047869932273582012-01-09T22:36:00.000-08:002012-01-09T22:37:28.029-08:00Poorly written article with mediocre sex jokes<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">With 2012's goal of one blog entry per week already a miserable failure (Oh, hi January 9th!), let's get cracking on 2012's newly revised goal of 50 blog entries for the whole shabang. Here's an article I had originally intended to write about the illustrious career of Vin Diesel (I mean, who could forget his performances in "The Fast and the Furious," "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift," "Fast & Furious," and "Fast Five?" Oh...you <em>can</em> forget about those performances?)</span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>“.XXX” Domain names now available, Vin Diesel upset, but unable to express emotion</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Not since handheld cameras paved the way for POV style movies has the porn industry seen such a revolution. Purveyors and professionals in the adult film industry can now create websites ending in “.xxx” rather than “.com.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Innovators of this idea hope to coax many adult sites over to the new domain names, making it easier to set parental and lock features for children. Finally, mothers searching for a shoulder strap for their children’s backpack won’t get bombarded with obscene material when they mistakenly use the keywords “Kids, Strap On, Sack.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Finally, young kids interested in the rodeo won’t get a premature life lesson when typing in “cowgirl,” or “bull-riding.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">FINALLY, fifth place local Berea, Ohio softball team, the “Cleveland Steamers,” can rest easy at night, knowing they can finally put up that much deserved fan page without their children stumbling upon something that would likely scar them for years to come.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Eager web surfers looking to make a quick buck have rushed to the forefront, buying .xxx names they believe will be in high demand by porn companies. I was admittedly late to the game, but still managed to secure some great .xxx web domain names. Hopefully I will see some profit from one of the following Jake Craney purchases:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hummus.xxx</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">AndersonCooper.xxx</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">WeebleWobbles.xxx</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">WiltChamberlainSTDCheck.xxx</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">DoobieBrothers4Life.xxx</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">FlopSweat.xxx</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">ILoveThePacifier.xxx (Vin Diesel call-back…didn’t think you were getting one, did you?)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times;"><strong>Snake Alley Song of the Day: </strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccvqSF5JHdc&feature=fvst" target="_blank"><strong>Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know</strong></a></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-46482574140293224892011-12-12T16:34:00.000-08:002011-12-12T16:34:14.602-08:00Caption Fun<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The blog is back!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">After months of hibernating (doing crystal meth), I'm back in action with new entries. Let's start this party again with some caption fun.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_D2fBNePELQ/TuacpDlZMFI/AAAAAAAAADw/C-kePDKb7pM/s1600/runner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" oda="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_D2fBNePELQ/TuacpDlZMFI/AAAAAAAAADw/C-kePDKb7pM/s320/runner.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-That’s one way to get the competition off your back</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Keep plugging away Jeremiah, the guy in 17<sup>th</sup> place is within striking distance</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Fuck those onlookers, everybody poops</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Note to self: at mile 7, take water cup from crowd, not bean burrito</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Shouldn’t have told my date to meet me at the finish line</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Just keep going, it’s not like this is going to end up on the internet or anything.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-I LOVE competition! FUCK YEAH! Shit ain’t shit!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Taco Bell: 1, Years of Training: 0</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Must remember to find that douchey couple after the race and offer them a home-made “Sloppy Joe”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Is there ANY chance this isn’t noticeable?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-I could have sworn that was just going to be a fart</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-I BETTER get in to this fraternity</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Remind me when I get home to cancel my sponsorship with Campbell’s Chunky Soup</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Do I sprint through the finish line and hide? Or do I embrace this and do the “Ickey Shuffle” across the line?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Fuck it…never had any friends anyway</span></div><br />
<strong>Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXMJ-V6MCzw">Jay Z + Kanye West - Ni**as in Paris</a></strong>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-54668427185723569392011-05-31T22:26:00.000-07:002011-05-31T22:30:10.466-07:00Musicomedy<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">People love analyzing and dissecting lyrics from their favorite musicians. With music I really enjoy, I do the same. Great lyrics make great music even better. People across generations have studied the lyrics of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Morrissey, and Patti Smith (among others). In fact, a book of Bob Dylan’s lyrics will sell for upwards of 70 dollars. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, I’d like to announce a more contemporary approach to lyric study. Critics constantly say today’s music lacks the originality, passion, and messages of musicians in the 60’s and 70’s. I say rubbish! (No really, I say rubbish a lot, people seem to enjoy it). Today’s musicians have just as much to say as those of yesteryear. I’m thrilled to announce the first in a five part series of books I will be putting out of the great lyrics of the new millennium. These books will be for sale on Snake Alley for 39.99 plus shipping and handling, but I think you’ll find the gems of wisdom within these pages will give you a joy that is priceless.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">First up for sale, The Lyrics of Ke$ha. A hugely popular modern singer/songwriter, Ke$ha not only delivers a catchy hook, she conveys a poignant message in each of her songs that transcends her contemporaries.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Order this book now, and you’ll be treated to such memorable quotes as</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“You were rollin in bitches. Yeah, I was rollin in my Lincoln. I was a shitty waitress.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“I don’t really care where you live at, just turn around boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick’s at.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“You wanna lift me off my feet, parakeet? You got the crazy cream o’ wheat, heatin up my seat.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“Don’t want a boyfriend, just want to get some.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“Tasers, lasers, alien invaders. Tell me I’m out of this world.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“You can go to hell, girl. You better watch yourself. I’m feelin feisty alright. Friday night bitch fight.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">“See lots of snacks here, I need a meal. Oh baby feed me, I’m hungry from all this gyration. I’m losing patience, I’m feeling tipsy. I need to stop and sober up,”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">And more!!!</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pH1Zfk5PMOs/TeXN6iBLDhI/AAAAAAAAADs/kDvOXikOpfc/s1600/kesha11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pH1Zfk5PMOs/TeXN6iBLDhI/AAAAAAAAADs/kDvOXikOpfc/s320/kesha11.jpg" t8="true" width="320" /></a></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Order now and be on the lookout for the next four lyric books, coming soon!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3taEuL4EHAg">Ke$ha - Blah Blah Blah</a></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-2003594656075928102011-05-23T00:21:00.000-07:002011-05-23T00:35:38.738-07:00Cinematic Gold<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwyAtCPkMJnaUx6i4aiqMk8VWy7LypSbrnAPBOjk3kyhFAl-OOcP7ErSStIyFQv8u0PzqSoi3R4TLkO1gbjaw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkk5wViJo-I">Death Cab for Cutie - You Are A Tourist</a></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-22880849103299720322011-05-18T00:23:00.000-07:002011-05-18T00:23:15.989-07:00Dance Monkey Dance!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I go on craigslist a lot to look for small jobs under the “talent” headline (I know what you're thinking, "Are you allowed to search under 'talent' if you have none?" You may be right, but Craig still lets me), and I’ve come across some fantastic<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ad headlines. The following are my favorites so far:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-CALLING ALL ASIANS!!!</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Calling a more offensive way to solicit minorities!!! Maybe next time try "Ching Chang Chung--Me Love You Long Time!)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Casting for 40 dogs</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Did not apply to this because I only have 36 dogs)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Zombie Burlesque Shoot Needs Model</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(More obscure fetish, "Zombie Burlesque" or "Muppet Burlesque?")</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Talented 6-9 year old boy to portray young rapper</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(6 year olds make the best rappers. Instead of "bitches" and "guns" you get "apple juice" and "Osh Kosh B' Fuckin Gosh")</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Putting together a Blues/Rock band. You down?</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(No, just no)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Who wants to be a Sugar Psycho Girl?</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Who wants to "audition" in the back of a windowless van and walk away with a rash?)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Radio Program Looking for our Jersey Bitch Queen</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Who isn't looking for their Jersey Bitch Queen? I've been trying to get one since 1999. They are harder to find than a listenable Nickelback song)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><strong><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">-Dance in a gorilla costume on video and send to me, $15 OBO</span></strong></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">(This entire headline/statement just fascinates me...and intrigues me...maybe I'll visit the costume shop tomorrow and see what comes of this...)</span></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Yes, I applied for all of these. I'm still in the running for Zombie Burlesque but sadly, I was turned down for "Sugar Psycho Girl."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I'll come back and add more to this post as I come across some more ridiculous headlines.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_MPUR-XtP8"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Straylight Run - For the Best</span></a>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-44307630938151646012011-05-16T22:30:00.000-07:002011-05-16T22:30:27.950-07:00Whatever Happened To Marcy Playground?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things…”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">Oh, hello. You caught me listening to Salt n’ Pepa on my Walkman. I do it every night before my lavender and sea salt mineral bath. Anyway, now that it’s been brought up, let’s go ahead talk about sex. Why? Why the hell not? It’s pretty awesome. If you want to read about economic policy or financial restrictions vis-à-vis litigation issues or similar nonsense, you might as well head over to Carrot Top’s blog…it's just as likely to put you to sleep as that boring crap (A note to Mr. Top: prop comedy doesn’t translate well to written word).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">Sex, according to the information I gathered whilst talking to my parents, occurs when birds and bees develop some sort of romantic love toward one another. I wasn’t aware this was even an amicable relationship, but apparently it can work. I don’t know the logistics of it all, after I asked about the stinger, the lecture stopped and we all went out for ice cream. So with my limited knowledge of the subject, I turn to one of my favorite ways to seek information: the internet.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">Simply typing in “sex” on Google brings up a variety of useful information. After scrutinizing and inspecting such headlines as “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and “Nebraska state sex-offender registry,” I stumbled upon an article I could actually learn from (although for the record, I did learn something from “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and that is never to click on “FREE porn videos and sex movies” 10 minutes before you have to leave for work). I came upon a very informative article simply entitled “How to have sex,” in which the actions of sex are broken down and explained. Strangely, there was no mention of birds or bees.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">This brilliant article needs no paraphrasing, so I’ll just copy and paste it for you to read and learn from…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">“Having sex can sometimes mean a number of different sexual activities, but usually it means sexual intercourse. The most common definition of sexual intercourse is an act that involves a man putting his erect penis inside a woman's vagina. Sexual intercourse might also be used to refer to sex acts between two men or between two women.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman usually starts with them both getting sexually excited. This is sometimes referred to as foreplay, and might involve kissing and cuddling, touching each other and other sexual activities. Foreplay is important as it means a woman's vagina begins to get moist and a man gets an erection. If the woman's vagina does not get moist enough, then having sexual intercourse could be difficult or painful for her.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">If a couple are going to use a condom for protection against pregnancy or infections, they should put it on the man's penis as soon as he gets an erection. Some men say they worry about using condoms in case they lose their erection or have difficulty putting the condom on. You could get some condoms and practice beforehand. Condoms come with instructions in words and pictures which show exactly how to use them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">After the condom is on, the man or woman can guide his penis into her vagina. The couple then move their bodies so that his penis moves up and down inside her vagina. This usually rubs the penis and makes the man sexually excited so that he has an orgasm. The movement might also rub the woman's clitoris (or sensitive areas inside her vagina) so she can have an orgasm. But this often takes practice and a bit of experimentation to get it right!”<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">Perfect, this pretty much sums everything up. Now, the only problem is finding someone to do this with. Using this as my guide, I went out and tried to acquire a willing participant. For whatever reason, nobody responded well to “Excuse me, I was wondering if you’d like to touch each other sexually until your vagina becomes moist?”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">So, with multiple failed attempts, and multiple black eyes, I turn back to the trusty internet. Now knowing all there is to know about actually having sex, I type in “Finding women to have sex with.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">This returns a wealth of useful information, including several real-live women popping up on my computer screen who seem very enthusiastic about engaging in intercourse. After filtering through my options, I’m delighted to say I’ve finally found my partner. Bad news: I maxed out my credit card. Good news: Ting-Mae will arrive from Taiwan in 2-3 weeks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif";">Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more on this topic. Once Ting-Mae gets here, I will undoubtedly have much more to share. In the meantime, I’ve got to go get some items she has requested, including something called “The Destroyer.”</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Snake Alley Song of the Day:</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydrtF45-y-g">Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex</a></span></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-15237978007391250582011-04-26T00:08:00.000-07:002011-04-26T00:39:12.359-07:00What are you one of those fitness freaks? Huh? Go Fuck Yourself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d32Mp6SCvJ8/TbZt5GGQ7-I/AAAAAAAAADo/B0Gu7KKAP6I/s1600/muscley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" i8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d32Mp6SCvJ8/TbZt5GGQ7-I/AAAAAAAAADo/B0Gu7KKAP6I/s1600/muscley.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Too much of anything isn’t good. Too much candy leads to cavities. Too much frivolous sex leads to STD’s. Too much attention to fitness leads to…her? It? Whatever is in that picture. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now, physical fitness is a good thing, and should most definitely be taught to our video game addicted little fat-ass kids. I’m specifically writing about the addicts. The workout warriors who count every carb they eat and spend more time at the gym than anywhere else. You’ve seen these types…the ‘Testosterone Tylers’ and the ‘Steroid Susies’ waddling around power squatting 400 pounds at 7:00am before work.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It’s not only the staggering time and effort spent on working out that gets me. It’s also the stupid fads that come and go. All the diets, all the ridiculous new equipment, such as this:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><a href="http://www2.panasonic.com/consumer-electronics/shop/Personal-Healthcare/Exercise-Equipment/model.EU6441A_11002_7000000000000005702">Absurd Exercise Thingy</a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Seriously? Like…seriously? How about instead of spending 1,500 dollars on a vibrating mechanical bull, you, oh I don’t know, develop a personality?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">For these exercise jockeys, working out becomes more than a healthy hobby and turns into their whole lives. I have no problem classifying this as an ‘addiction.’ If you’d rather do wind-sprints than watch a rerun of Step By Step, I feel bad for you, and you should seek help. I propose a 12-step program for workout-addicts:</span></div><ol type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Admit you have a problem. Take down the poster of John Cena from your wall and throw away your ‘secret stash’ of dumbbells and ankle weights under your bed.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Realize there is a higher power that can help you…Colonel Sanders.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Trade in protein powder for powdered sugar. Enjoy a funnel cake or decadent donut.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Take up a hobby, such as studying world issues and global affairs, rather than researching the best way to make your Serratus Anterior Muscle stand out.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Re-adjust your priorities. Count the number of times you smile at a stranger, not the number of veins you can see in your arm.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Eat at a McDonald’s (and do not throw up afterward). I suggest the filet-o-fish.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Talk to your family members once per day (and discuss things other than that killer shoulder workout you just had).</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Make a list of all persons you </span></span><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">harmed due to increased testosterone or HGH levels. Be prepared to make amends for “Roid Rage” incidents and unnecessary bullying (I’m talking to you RJ. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but when you threw me off of that parking structure, that also broke my bones).</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Eat at a Taco Bell. The chicken quesadilla and cinnamon twists are fucking dynamite.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Do some minimal accounting work and calculate how much you spend on gym memberships, home exercise equipment, powders, pills, shakes, smoothies, and other ridiculous paraphernalia. Continue to stay in shape with your gym membership and the occasional smoothie, then give whatever is left to charity, or to me…your choice.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Eat at In N’ Out Burger. Don’t deprive yourself of the simple joys.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Pass your knowledge of moderation on to other “Dumbbell Dannys” and “Cardio Cathys,” so people will exercise a healthy amount and hopefully we can take the money we gain from not manufacturing ridiculous exercise machines and put it toward fixing our trillion dollar debt or however massive that number actually is.</span></span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hopefully this will help some people get on the path to recovery. Remember: food is so, so delicious. So sure, allow yourself to ‘relapse’ and go for a 15 mile run…but afterwards? Ravage your way through your local grocery store like John Goodman after not eating for 40 minutes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I understand also that a lot of it has to do with self confidence issues and wanting to look “good” for a variety of reasons, but at a certain point, life is too short not to have self confidence. Just be happy with how you look and who you are. Just tell the 100 pound gorgeous woman who hasn’t worked out a day in her life to go fuck herself (not really, unless she’s a bitch) and realize regardless of how you look, you kick ass (unless you’re a serial killer, in which case, you actually really suck). If you really can’t stand it, fine, starve yourself and work your ass off, I’ll be sipping margaritas and maintaining an average body with no discernable muscle definition.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">This is more of a rant on how people take things like this to extremes, not on fitness itself. I run and I work out a little bit, but it feels like people go overboard and get way too into it. I respect the hard work that goes into it and I don’t want to sound like I’m on some sort of lazy high horse*.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As one of my favorite lyricists says, “I’m not a self-help book, I’m just a fucked up kid.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Also, I apologize if I offended any of my serial killer fan base. I know you guys love comedy blogs and I really appreciate your readership. Just maybe don’t kill so many people, ok? Perhaps go for a run or workout…that can be pretty satisfying.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">*<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">The term ‘lazy high horse’ in no way refers to Seth Rogen</span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtLKlB6XcC4">Brett Dennen - Sydney (I'll Come Running)</a></span></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-62929437778002893782011-04-18T18:49:00.000-07:002011-06-30T19:03:34.914-07:00Dream Boat<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">My friends, co-workers, and occasional hobos are always giving me shit about my mellow, no-stress lifestyle. It’s no secret, I’m extremely laid back and even keel (unless Florida State or Green Bay are playing, in which case—hide your children and put away anything breakable). All you really need to know is that I majored in Recreation and leisure. That pretty much sums it up right there…and yes that is as awesome as it sounds. I actually had a class called Activities. Not making that up. Now I’m teaching tennis as a day job, so yeah, very low stress.</span> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">I’ve acknowledged the fact that I’m pretty easy going in the past, but it’s just been recently that I realized their quips and jokes are more than justified. I began truly realizing this when I analyzed some of my dreams I’ve been having. These dreams have all happened in the past month or so and they really illustrate what’s going on in the old noggin. I’ve got credit card debt, not enough money to pay taxes, and I’ve been really sick three times already this year. But what does my subconscious focus on and think about you ask? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Well, dream number one…a few weeks back, I’m on a giant boat in the ocean. This boat has about seven massive waterslides shooting down into the ocean, and the entire dream is just me flying down these waterslides, having a blast, over and over, for hours…that’s it! That’s a full night of dreaming for Snake Craney.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Dream two consists of me going to the “Toddler Olympics” and for some reason being a huge fan. So I’m at the Toddler Olympics (99% sure this athletic event doesn’t exist, but it should) and I’m watching the swimming event cheering my ass off for this little guy in a diaper doing a 50M freestyle, but his little arms are just flapping around like a puffer fish because he hasn’t developed the motor skills to execute a proper freestyle stroke. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure my guy won. Setting aside the logistical problems and impossibilities of this dream, I’ve really got no idea what to make of this. I think my brain might be taking a creative writing class, but can’t stay focused enough to write anything that makes any actual sense. Regardless, competitive swimming amongst toddlers…always fun.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">The last dream I’ve had recently involved myself and my friends Justin, Clark, and Chris preparing to shoot a comedy sketch. We had our idea and we were ready to film, and I decided that for some reason, we needed Anne Hathaway. So I loaded the guys up into this huge van, because apparently we turned into pedophiles for the dream, and we rolled on down to the Hathaway household, because obviously I know where that is. Anne’s mother answered the door and I barely acknowledged her, I just burst by her saying, “I’ve got to talk to Anne.” So I went to her room, because of course I know which one it is, I barged in there, and she’s topless. So naturally we started going at it, getting a little hot and heavy with Anne Hathaway, and what comes out of my mouth? “Save it for later, we need you for a comedy sketch, it’ll take 10 minutes tops.” So we rushed out of her house, past her mother, again saying nothing, and the boys were waiting in the van, I opened the door and in a very serious tone, I say “I got Hathaway, let’s roll.” I woke up before we could shoot the sketch and Anne and I could resume, but if my subconscious ever decides to finish this particular dream, I’ll let you know (after I stop weeping tears of joy). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">So there you have it, I feel like that is a fairly diverse and accurate representation of what my brain is concocting. There’s no rhyme or reason as far as I can tell. Psychology majors, if you need something to do in between smoking weed and figuring out my underlying motives and rationale as to why I’d make such a sweeping generalization like that…feel free to take a crack at it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">No other dreams recently have stood out enough for me to remember after waking up. No bad dreams, no dreams about work or issues or anything. So, based on the aforementioned dreams, as well as current happenings in my daily life, here are my predictions for my dreams for the upcoming week:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Monday: I sing a duet with Wiz Khalifa while wearing a lycra-spandex suit and a cardboard Burger King crown. After we finish the duet, Wiz and I grab lunch at Arby’s, where I throw the crown away and proclaim roast beef to be the “New King.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Tuesday: I come home one evening to find my dog Charlie has eaten all my protein powder and is now a muscular, 200 pound beast. After watching him joyously bench press the couch, we walk down to the Venice Boardwalk and he works out on Muscle Beach, much to the delight and fascination of onlookers. He is kicked out after pooping on one of the machines, and we walk home. After a steak dinner (one for me, six for him), we turn in. For once, he is the big spoon.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Wednesday: Glorious dance party inside a gigantic tub of mac & cheese.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Thursday: I take a trip to Iceland and visit a bar made entirely of ice. Incredibly, my friend Nick is also there, and we spend the rest of the night making bad ice-related jokes. “Chill out man, its cool. Go talk to that girl, I can tell she’s making your icicle freeze up.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Friday: I’m at the batting cages, but instead of hurling out baseballs, the machine instead throws tomatoes. Fuckin awesome.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Saturday: As I get on stage to do stand-up, I realize everyone is naked. I begin to tell my first joke, and then realize everyone is making out. I realize I’ve gone to the wrong address and this is a meetup for a group that loves orgies. I run out of the club, stop off to get a turkey burger, and ruminate about why my first joke about the merits of abstinence didn’t land.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Sunday: Anne Hathaway makes her comeback with a stunning performance as a topless Starbucks barista. She gives me a java chip frappuccino and says “here’s your pussy drink, bitch.” I chug the frappuccino, crush the cup in my hand, climb over the counter, grab Hathaway…….and then wake up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">Stay tuned for future editions of this post as time goes by. Who knows what crazy, fun, ridiculously childish things my brain will come up with next.</span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KGCAffvGIw"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tokyo Police Club - Your English is Good</span></a>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-12954282225483721982011-04-08T23:17:00.000-07:002011-04-17T11:41:16.086-07:00A Day In The Life: Charlie "Brown" Craney"<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Fry Day"</span></span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">From the perspective of Charlie Craney, Manchester Terrier</span></em></span><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ahh, Fry Day. Feels the same as yesterday, it’ll probably feel the same as tomorrow. Good stuff. That guy is bouncing around to all that noise again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t seem to be making any of the noise, it’s coming from that box, but he prances about as if he is doing it himself. I have yet to figure this out. The toothbrush he is holding up to his mouth doesn’t make sense either. Things are weird.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oh good, he’s done, time for breakfast! Holy Shit! Breakfast!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oh man that was good. I can’t believe I ate that so fast. Sure it was the same as yesterday. Same as everyday for the past couple years in fact, but I don’t care, it’s just so fucking good! Ah! Breakfast! Uh-oh, now I have to poop. Hey, dude, take me out. Hey, dumbass, quit lying around and take me out. I swear to God if I could make a fist I’d hit you right in the face. Yes! He’s got the leash. Thanks dad! I love you.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ooh, great smells outside today, great smells. K time to think Charles, we need a plan of attack. I say we go for posts, bushes, trees, anything that looks like it needs a good pissing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Checkmate you little bush, you’re asking for it! Jesus! Was that a hummingbird or a vampire bat! That’s scary stuff man!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ok, back inside. Feeling good. Time for some good ole thinkin. Hmm, I wonder what the socio-economic effects of a global economy would be if only…what? What’s that dad? Dude speak English, I have no idea what you are saying when you talk gibberish. You know those aren’t words right? Are you illiterate? Ahhh that feels good, yep that’s the spot. Alright nap time, something please wake me up in seven hours.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Wow, great nap. Hey I need to take a dump on something then maybe grab some dinner. Where did that guy go? Where does he go every day? I’ve been outside, I mean the bushes and grass are nice, but I can’t see spending a huge chunk of time there.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oh sweet! A sock! Fuck yes dude. Let's bury this in the corner of the couch...gonna want to get some good chewing in later.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Alright, time to run in circles for 30 minutes...gotta keep my athletic figure after that giant old moldy muffin I got my paws on earlier.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oh good he’s back, time to jump on him, I need to make sure he sees me and realizes I’m in need of a big ole' dump.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hmm, outside is different. It’s dark. Strange. Still have yet to figure out how the massive animals on the street are moving so fast. Must be excited about something.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ahh, alright, back inside; ready to sleep for another 12 hours. Maybe if I dig at this spot on the bed it will become more comfortable. Yep, that did the trick. My foot just needs to be licked for ten minutes here before I hit the hay. I’ll start on those memoirs tomorrow.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">What the FUCK was that sound outside?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4GG11uZU_MA/TZ_2Pu-cJ7I/AAAAAAAAADk/YEtpH6UDlAI/s1600/c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4GG11uZU_MA/TZ_2Pu-cJ7I/AAAAAAAAADk/YEtpH6UDlAI/s320/c.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG4ABgTuCqA">The Hold Steady - Hurricane J</a><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Times New Roman;"><u></u></span></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-2311509994599570012011-02-21T22:38:00.000-08:002011-02-21T22:47:16.303-08:00The Roast of Kansas<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">As promised, I wasn't finished with Kansas. That dirty diaper of a state gets its own post. I proudly present the Snake Craney Roast of Kansas: a list of one-liners, zingers, and knee slappers dedicated to the slandering and ball-busting of the Sunflower State.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rb_ZwD8GOO8/TWNXDP1JcII/AAAAAAAAADY/1pxFRqd2CSc/s1600/kansas.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rb_ZwD8GOO8/TWNXDP1JcII/AAAAAAAAADY/1pxFRqd2CSc/s1600/kansas.bmp" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-Let's start off with a challenge. Try to look at the state of Kansas' outline for 10 seconds. If you don't fall asleep in the first five, you've either just taken a line of coke straight up the nostril, or you've got some weird boring rectangle fetish. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-“Kansas” literally translates to “Outcast.” The state was rejected from being called “East </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">Colorado,” “West Missouri,” “North Oklahoma,” and “South Nebraska.”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Kansas City didn’t even want to be part of the state, KANSAS City!!! “Oh don’t mind us, we’re just </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">gonna scooch on over to Missouri. I suppose we can keep our ass end in Kansas.”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-Kansas is home to 46 million square miles of farmland and 1 square mile of anything else.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Kansas’ professional (and I use that term loosely) sports teams are named things such as Mudcats, </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">Roadrunners, Koyotes with a ‘K’, Golden Giants, T-Bones, and my personal favorite: Wingnuts. There’s </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">no joke there, those awful names are the best punch line I could ask for. “Congratulations Timmy! </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">You’ve been drafted by the Wichita Wingnuts! Enjoy a career of obscurity…unless you get traded to the </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">Kansas City T-Bones, then you’ve really made the big-time.”</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NpRRN2Gp6LA/TWNXmRzYsQI/AAAAAAAAADc/3qPV4ov_EIM/s1600/wingnuts%2521.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NpRRN2Gp6LA/TWNXmRzYsQI/AAAAAAAAADc/3qPV4ov_EIM/s1600/wingnuts%2521.bmp" /></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-There is more grass in Kansas than in all of the Cheech and Chong movies put together.</span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-Ben Stein once considered moving to Kansas, but decided he would be too wild for that particular state.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-The helicopter was invented in Kansas in 1909. Slightly later in 1909, "getting the hell out of Kansas" was </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">invented.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Kansas is home to Dodge City, America’s windiest city. Kansas really does blow (This joke was tested </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">and approved by the 5th grade).</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Wichita State University’s athletic teams are called the Shockers. We all know you’re depraved, but to </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">name your sports teams after a sex act? That’s a little extreme. You don’t see Cleveland State calling </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">themselves the Steamers.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kxTv9mM1G38/TWNYIO3wMoI/AAAAAAAAADg/DuLtSzwbK3k/s1600/shocker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kxTv9mM1G38/TWNYIO3wMoI/AAAAAAAAADg/DuLtSzwbK3k/s1600/shocker.jpg" /></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-“Wichita” is derived from a Native American language and roughly translates to “Shit-storm.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Sumner County Kansas is known as the Wheat Capital of the World. Sumner County’s suicide rate is </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">unknown—the person who counts that data stabbed himself in the face.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-At one time it was against the law to serve ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas…sons of bitches.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-More meteorites have been found in Kansas than in any other state west of the Mississippi. See, it’s </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">not just me—even outer space wants Kansas gone.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world’s largest ball of twine, weighing in at nearly 17,000 pounds. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">Seriously? I mean, I knew you had to be bored…but this is entering Boredom Hall of Fame territory. This </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">is roughly the equivalent to sitting on a hardwood floor watching your great-aunt Helen knit a pair of </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">socks from beginning to end and the only entertainment you have is reading the nutrition label on the </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">can of coke she let you have as a “treat.” I mean, she's a great lady, but I'd rather take off my clothes and have someone roll the giant twine ball over me.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-Kirstie Alley is from Kansas. Gross.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-Overland Park, Kansas was used as a landfill before becoming a city. Guess they just forgot to clean all </span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">that shit up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%;">-Kansas won the award for most beautiful license plate for the wheat plate design issued in 1981. The trophy sits on Kansas’ mantle next to the prestigious “American Apathy” award which was awarded to the state of “Kans” because the people making the award were too busy not caring to finish it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-As of a few years ago, Kansas was officially made up of 91% white people. This officially gives Kansas </span><span style="line-height: 115%;">the title of “Whitest Thing on Earth,” narrowly beating out polar bears, harp seals, milk, the Republican </span><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Party, Jeff Hornacek, Norway, and the fan bases of Enya, Miley Cyrus, and Weird Al Yankovic</span></span></div><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">There. I got it all out of my system. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight heavier than the average weight of a Topeka resident...huge relief.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: </span><a href="http://www.myspace.com/oasis"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger</span></a></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-53624002259879746982011-02-17T22:17:00.000-08:002011-02-17T22:20:30.042-08:00State of the States pt. 10<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Vermont</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Harry David Lee, inventor of Lee Jeans. Without him, lower-middle class housewives everywhere would be relegated to sweatpants.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Too promiscuous (some would go so far as to say you're 'America's gutter slut,' but I won't go that far Vermont, I won't call you 'America's gutter slut'). I mean look at you up there, constantly 69ing with New Hampshire. That's disgusting. We don't need to see that. Plus, with city names like Hancock, Johnson, Shaftsbury, and Gaysville, I'm starting to wonder what kind of agenda you're pushing. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Virginia</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Pat Benetar. Love is a Battlefield, and Virginia is for Lovers. Go ahead, hit Virginia with your best shot.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Fairfax…you know what you did.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Washington</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Bob Barker. Where would this country be without plinko? Also, where would this country be without Bob's constant reminders to spay and neuter pets? We’d be outnumbered by horny, thrusting pets. No legs would be safe, no hydrants unscathed.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Lack of originality. Washington? For your name? Way to play it safe. I would have respected you so much more if I could take a trip to Seattle, Van Buren or Tacoma, Taft. That would have been ballsy.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">West Virginia</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Soupy Sales. If you need an explanation you're not American.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B7poFa1A9c8/TV4O0mZy7yI/AAAAAAAAADU/0qKRr8HNUOo/s1600/soupy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B7poFa1A9c8/TV4O0mZy7yI/AAAAAAAAADU/0qKRr8HNUOo/s1600/soupy.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: You're hot, but how do I know you're not my sister?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Wisconsin</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Frederick Pabst. I know, you thought I was going to go with a famous Packer because I'm a Packers fan right? Well, who helps me enjoy the Packer games even more? That's right.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Mount Horeb. I know; another curveball. You thought dairy, or cold weather, or fat people, right? No, Mount fucking Horeb. Why? Mount Horeb, Wisconsin is the Troll capital of the world and home to a Mustard Museum. What the fuck? Even if you are the Troll capital of the world, that is not something you advertise, not now, not in 1993 when they were vaguely popular, not ever. And since when does mustard need its own museum. It's mustard. Take it out of a museum and put it on my hot dog so I can get as fat as people in Wisconsin (there's the fat reference you wanted, happy now?).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Wyoming</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Dick Cheney. You were the one who raised him? You are responsible for the upbringing of this man? You should be facing charges right now Wyoming.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Having to continually attempt to clean up the skid mark left on the tighty-whities of America after learning Dick Cheney was raised there. Also, the cowboy thing kinda went out of style in the 90's. Maybe you should try on a crazy neon t-shirt and skinny jeans.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times;">I hope you have thoroughly enjoyed this 'State of the States' segment. </span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now you may be asking "Jake, you've just insulted all 50 states and turned the whole country against you...so how do you expect to keep readers?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easy...I'm huge in Samoa. I'm like Elvis to them.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.myspace.com/sugarcult">Sugarcult - Memory</a></span></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-28009714622349580772011-02-17T12:37:00.000-08:002011-02-17T12:37:56.038-08:00State of the States pt. 9<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">South Carolina</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Darius Rucker, better known as Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. He’s </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">the perfect representative—he’s a one-hit-wonder, in an eerily similar way as when one visits South </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Carolina, they never visit again. Rucker went on to sing in a Burger King commercial advertising the </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Sandwich. Out of any state, South Carolina consumed this sandwich </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">the most ferociously. Coincidence? I think not. I think it’s about time to change their state flag from a </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">moon shining on a palm tree to Hootie kneeling under a palm tree vomiting up his disgusting</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tendercrispt Bacon Chedder Ranch Sandwich.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Exists mainly as North Carolina’s dirty little goatee. “Dude, you got </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">something in your goatee, it looks like some chewing tobacco, yeah. Wait, I think I also see a slimy array </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">of insects, yikes—that looks uncomfortable. Hang on; I see something else…oh wow, it’s a bunch of </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">overweight racists!”</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">South Dakota</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Shawn Colvin. One could also consider Tom Brokaw or Hubert Humphrey, </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">but come on, <em>Sunny Came Home</em>? Amazing song. Colvin takes that one any day.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Mt. Rushmore. Seriously, it’s taking away from the other beautiful sites and </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">places around your state. Oh…damn…I just looked up all the different sites and places of your </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">state…might want to keep whoring out that monument after all.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tennessee</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Quentin Tarantino. Why not one of the countless musicians from Tennessee? Because I trust none of them are going to have me chopped up with a machete like some sushi roll. That dude's crazy.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Dollywood. The last thing the youth of America need is a trip to a theme park where the rollercoaster shaped like collagen-blasted lips, or carnival games where the prize is a free eye-lift. It's probably also not a wise move for kids to play in the two side-by-side bouncy castles shaped like enormous fake bouncy tits.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--HnUPX4xp24/TV2HCeEtRQI/AAAAAAAAADQ/cve0AxIq9zc/s1600/dolly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--HnUPX4xp24/TV2HCeEtRQI/AAAAAAAAADQ/cve0AxIq9zc/s1600/dolly.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Texas</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Let's face it, Texas is big. Just like Texans like to remind you of 12 times a day. So, representing Texas will not be one person, but a whole slew of comically named famous regional musicians. Ernest Tubb, Dimebag Darrell Abbott, Zuzu Bollin, Juke Boy Bonner, Blues Boy Willie, Boxcar Willie, T-Bone Burnett, Harry Choates, Cowboy Troy, Kinky Friedman, Peppermint Harris, Smokey Hogg, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Peck Kelley, Hot Lips Page, Boz Scaggs, Sippie Wallace, and Demi Lovato.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-State shortcoming:</span> F<span style="line-height: 115%;">ailing to turn the safety off your shotgun when you drunkenly left it in the back of Clint's F150. The damn barbecue sauce you left on the barrel was so slippery it slid off the truck bed when you were doing donuts near Milt's barn, hit an empty bucket of whiskey, ricocheted off Red's cowboy hat, through a wad of chewing tobacco, off your brother's boot spur, and hit my cousin Tim in the arm. Keep your stereotypes in line, douche.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Utah</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: John Stockton. Shortest shorts in the biz. Does anyone else even live in Utah? I'm pretty sure it's just the Stockton family, Orrin Hatch, and the world's largest collection of rock formations.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mwqp3xQ7fTk/TV2G3jdmmiI/AAAAAAAAADM/xcaS5T9782E/s1600/stock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mwqp3xQ7fTk/TV2G3jdmmiI/AAAAAAAAADM/xcaS5T9782E/s1600/stock.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Jello fetish. Apparently, more jello is eaten in Utah than anywhere else in the world. The fact that you not only keep track of such a thing, but also embrace it raises some red flags. I'm beginning to think some of your polygamists are stockpiling jello so their many wives can wrestle in it.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.myspace.com/socratic">Socratic - May I Bum A Smoke</a></span></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-86447702116052987652011-02-15T23:03:00.000-08:002011-02-15T23:04:52.892-08:00State of the States pt. 8<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ohio</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Ron Jeremy, the Hedgehog. A complete list of his filmography is both humbling and hilarious.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: A little too peppy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're a positive state, but you are essentially the head cheerleader jacked up on Sunkist and smiles. I can't make it past the 'O-H' part of your little cheer without punching you or just leaving the room in disgust. For a state who boasts Cleveland and Cincinnati as its major cities, I'm beginning to wonder if you're abusing uppers.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oklahoma</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Walter Cronkite. Without him, I would not be here today writing this blog. He is my grandfather (totally untrue). He used to tell me "grandkiddy, I know you look up to me and all I've done with my life. I hope one day you can reference me in a whimsical, albeit aimless comedic blog" (false).</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Tulsa. Some mistakes are forgiveable, but I can't look the other way here. What a cesspool.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oregon</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative - Phil Knight, founder of Nike. I wonder if he tested his slogan beforehand on some of Oregon’s cities. Just Do Eugene, Just Do Grants Pass, Just Do Bend, Just Do Beaver. Oregon, you are missing some fantastic marketing puns here.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: It is actually illegal throughout the whole state to pump your own gas. Come on Oregon, if I can wipe my own ass I can pump my own gas. In fact, I’m going to put that on a bumper sticker right above my gas tank and drive on up to Bend. If you won't allow me to pump, I’m going to take a dump, then hand you the roll. Your move...</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Pennsylvania</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Fred Rogers, from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. This gentleman not only ushered in a new era of parents cautioning children to "Stay away from strangers," he also single-handedly brought down the modern knit sweater business.</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--XLVD85Kh3g/TVt3C_JGSAI/AAAAAAAAADI/58gOHAKvr5M/s1600/mrrogers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" j6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--XLVD85Kh3g/TVt3C_JGSAI/AAAAAAAAADI/58gOHAKvr5M/s1600/mrrogers.jpg" /></a></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: The Liberty Bell. Dude...someone broke that thing. Man up and get it fixed before you display it in the center of town.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Rhode Island</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy. He gets this honor not for creating family guy, but for successfully teaching our schoolchildren that Rhode Island does in fact, exist.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Hmm, let's see, Connecticut. Wait, who am I doing again? Oh right, Rhode Island. Forgot you were there for a minute--couldn't really see you.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.myspace.com/goodoldwar">Good Old War - Coney Island</a></span></span></div>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-24529816753785315122011-02-15T11:23:00.000-08:002011-02-15T11:23:35.106-08:00State of the States pt. 7<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">New Jersey</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Ali Larter. Seriously NJ, start putting her face on billboards proclaiming "The Face of New Jersey!" Then people will start thinking of your state as attractive, instead of a putrid wasteland. Something to think about…</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: No alibi. Let's not beat around the bush, you're ugly New Jersey. You're the kid in class with acne and headgear (Snake Craney circa 1998). Can we get Ty Pennington to snort some more coke and do an Extreme Makeover of New Jersey?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">New Mexico</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Freddie Prinze Jr. Any man that can be that bad at what he does for a living, make tons of money doing it, and top it all off by marrying Sarah Michelle Gellar should be applauded.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: No 'wow' factor. Are we supposed to be impressed with Albuquerque? Swing and a miss there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New Mexico is home to the nation's largest national forest. Is that where you're hiding the interesting parts of the state?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">New York</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Donald Trump, Paul Simon, Groucho Marx, Tom Cruise, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Lady GaGa, JP Morgan, Ja Rule, Derek Jeter, Brian Williams, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Mos Def. What...there's a lot of fuckin people there!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Every single day, someone is raped, murdered, kidnapped, or a combination of all three. I've never actually been there or researched this, but Law & Order, Law & Order SVU, and Law & Order Criminal Intent provide a pretty thorough documentary of the city/state. Seems pretty rough.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">North Carolina</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Reginald VelJohnson. VelJohnson is better known as Carl Winslow on Family Matters. What a role to serve as the pinnacle of your career. Well done Reginald, well done.</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a4ldyZqyVjk/TVrSRo1GlgI/AAAAAAAAADE/TN7xJ7o3Zr0/s1600/reggg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a4ldyZqyVjk/TVrSRo1GlgI/AAAAAAAAADE/TN7xJ7o3Zr0/s1600/reggg.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: English (lack of). For the last time, Carolina is not pronounced "Curralina," and America is not pronounced "Murca." Not to sound uppity, but do you have any idea how uneducated you sound? (not you, Duke University) Let me put it in terms you might be able to decipher: u ain't sound learned good.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>North Carolina residents: next time I am in your state, I give you full permission to kick my ass.</em></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">North Dakota</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Casper Oimoen. Yes, that’s a real person. He was an American Olympic </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Ski Jumping champion from the 1920’s and 30’s. You can’t ride that wave forever Northy, it’s been 80 </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">years—time for some fresh faces.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: An overwhelming wave of public apathy. It’s beginning to look as though </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">you just don’t give a shit North Dakota, the rest of us sure don’t. Is it just that you don’t even want to </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">try? Or are there no residents left except those in remote cabins in the wilderness? Your official state </span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">symbol is a shoulder-shrug. Someone get this state a defibrillator.</span></span></div><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.wizkhalifa.com/">Wiz Khalifa - Roll Up</a></span></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4077742543174592973.post-66521267340223802252011-02-11T11:30:00.000-08:002011-02-11T11:30:43.787-08:00State of the States pt. 6<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Missouri</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Adolphus Busch, founder of Anheuser Busch. The man created a profitable way to actually enjoy being in Missouri. He also ushered in a new era of gettin' tipsy and laid the foundation for the spread of 'The Freshman 15' through his high calorie brew.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Much too demanding without having anything in return. I don't have to show you anything. You show me something besides a giant arch and I'll think about showing you something.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Montana</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Patrick Duffy. Could there be anyone else? Take a long, hard look at the pride of Montana</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-erE8XcgBRMQ/TVWNpbxzzGI/AAAAAAAAADA/Q65lYdmwPZ0/s1600/duffman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-erE8XcgBRMQ/TVWNpbxzzGI/AAAAAAAAADA/Q65lYdmwPZ0/s1600/duffman.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: Can't...think...of...shortcoming.....distracted by...Duffy</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Nebraska</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Andy Roddick. Tennis pro and smart man. He was born there, then promptly got the hell out of there. Nick Nolte could also be considered the rep here...he's crazy, probably because Nebraska made him that way, I don't want to deny him this if he wants it.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: central buckle in the 'boredom belt,' consisting of Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota. Kind of a fat belt you say? Have you seen the majority of the people living in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota? I’d say that's a pretty damn proportional belt. Nebraska may be the most boring of all. I'd rather spend the day in a sealed coffin than spend an hour in Nebraska.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Nevada</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Brandon Flowers. Listen to an interview with Flowers and you'll see the long term effects of living in Vegas.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: one-hit wonder. What happens in Nevada......doesn't matter unless it happens in Vegas.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">New Hampshire</span></span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State representative: Sarah Silverman. Like Silverman, New Hampshire is a boorish, sarcastic, foul-mouthed jokester who is just barely attractive enough to garner popularity. New Hampshire has had several creative offerings, including its own show. The asinine and obtuse views, coupled with trite and overused jokes made it one of the most annoying shows in existence. One critic (me) went as far as to say "I'd rather keep New Hampshire locked up there in the attic where it belongs." Also, New Hampshire had a much-publicized relationship with TV host and cured meat connoisseur Jimmy Kimmel. Come on Jimmy, I know you're not Clooney, but can you imagine where New Hampshire's been? Jesus.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">-State shortcoming: extremism. "Live Free or Die?" Seems a little much. How about "Live Free, hopefully," or "Live Free, as best you can," or "Live Free, Unless Otherwise Conquered, In Which Case, Hail New Leaders!"</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Next Week: The conclusion of State of the States</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Snake Alley Song of the Day: <a href="http://www.myspace.com/thekillers">The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale</a></span></span>Snakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10297870304878531218noreply@blogger.com0