Monday, December 12, 2011

Caption Fun

The blog is back!

After months of hibernating (doing crystal meth), I'm back in action with new entries. Let's start this party again with some caption fun.


-That’s one way to get the competition off your back

-Keep plugging away Jeremiah, the guy in 17th place is within striking distance

-Fuck those onlookers, everybody poops

-Note to self: at mile 7, take water cup from crowd, not bean burrito

-Shouldn’t have told my date to meet me at the finish line

-Just keep going, it’s not like this is going to end up on the internet or anything.

-I LOVE competition! FUCK YEAH! Shit ain’t shit!

-Taco Bell: 1, Years of Training: 0

-Must remember to find that douchey couple after the race and offer them a home-made “Sloppy Joe”

-Is there ANY chance this isn’t noticeable?

-I could have sworn that was just going to be a fart

-I BETTER get in to this fraternity

-Remind me when I get home to cancel my sponsorship with Campbell’s Chunky Soup

-Do I sprint through the finish line and hide? Or do I embrace this and do the “Ickey Shuffle” across the line?

-Fuck it…never had any friends anyway

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Jay Z + Kanye West - Ni**as in Paris

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Musicomedy

People love analyzing and dissecting lyrics from their favorite musicians. With music I really enjoy, I do the same. Great lyrics make great music even better. People across generations have studied the lyrics of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Morrissey, and Patti Smith (among others). In fact, a book of Bob Dylan’s lyrics will sell for upwards of 70 dollars.

So, I’d like to announce a more contemporary approach to lyric study. Critics constantly say today’s music lacks the originality, passion, and messages of musicians in the 60’s and 70’s. I say rubbish! (No really, I say rubbish a lot, people seem to enjoy it). Today’s musicians have just as much to say as those of yesteryear. I’m thrilled to announce the first in a five part series of books I will be putting out of the great lyrics of the new millennium. These books will be for sale on Snake Alley for 39.99 plus shipping and handling, but I think you’ll find the gems of wisdom within these pages will give you a joy that is priceless.
First up for sale, The Lyrics of Ke$ha. A hugely popular modern singer/songwriter, Ke$ha not only delivers a catchy hook, she conveys a poignant message in each of her songs that transcends her contemporaries.
Order this book now, and you’ll be treated to such memorable quotes as
“You were rollin in bitches. Yeah, I was rollin in my Lincoln. I was a shitty waitress.”
“I don’t really care where you live at, just turn around boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick’s at.”
“You wanna lift me off my feet, parakeet? You got the crazy cream o’ wheat, heatin up my seat.”
“Don’t want a boyfriend, just want to get some.”
“Tasers, lasers, alien invaders. Tell me I’m out of this world.”
“You can go to hell, girl. You better watch yourself. I’m feelin feisty alright. Friday night bitch fight.”
“See lots of snacks here, I need a meal. Oh baby feed me, I’m hungry from all this gyration. I’m losing patience, I’m feeling tipsy. I need to stop and sober up,”
And more!!!

Order now and be on the lookout for the next four lyric books, coming soon!
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Ke$ha - Blah Blah Blah

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dance Monkey Dance!

I go on craigslist a lot to look for small jobs under the “talent” headline (I know what you're thinking, "Are you allowed to search under 'talent' if you have none?" You may be right, but Craig still lets me), and I’ve come across some fantastic ad headlines. The following are my favorites so far:

-CALLING ALL ASIANS!!!
(Calling a more offensive way to solicit minorities!!!  Maybe next time try "Ching Chang Chung--Me Love You Long Time!)

-Casting for 40 dogs
(Did not apply to this because I only have 36 dogs)

-Zombie Burlesque Shoot Needs Model
(More obscure fetish, "Zombie Burlesque" or "Muppet Burlesque?")

-Talented 6-9 year old boy to portray young rapper
(6 year olds make the best rappers. Instead of "bitches" and "guns" you get "apple juice" and "Osh Kosh B' Fuckin Gosh")

-Putting together a Blues/Rock band. You down?
(No, just no)

-Who wants to be a Sugar Psycho Girl?
(Who wants to "audition" in the back of a windowless van and walk away with a rash?)

-Radio Program Looking for our Jersey Bitch Queen
(Who isn't looking for their Jersey Bitch Queen? I've been trying to get one since 1999. They are harder to find than a listenable Nickelback song)

-Dance in a gorilla costume on video and send to me, $15 OBO
(This entire headline/statement just fascinates me...and intrigues me...maybe I'll visit the costume shop tomorrow and see what comes of this...)

Yes, I applied for all of these. I'm still in the running for Zombie Burlesque but sadly, I was turned down for "Sugar Psycho Girl."

I'll come back and add more to this post as I come across some more ridiculous headlines.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Straylight Run - For the Best

Monday, May 16, 2011

Whatever Happened To Marcy Playground?

“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things…”
Oh, hello. You caught me listening to Salt n’ Pepa on my Walkman. I do it every night before my lavender and sea salt mineral bath. Anyway, now that it’s been brought up, let’s go ahead talk about sex. Why? Why the hell not? It’s pretty awesome. If you want to read about economic policy or financial restrictions vis-à-vis litigation issues or similar nonsense, you might as well head over to Carrot Top’s blog…it's just as likely to put you to sleep as that boring crap (A note to Mr. Top: prop comedy doesn’t translate well to written word).
Sex, according to the information I gathered whilst talking to my parents, occurs when birds and bees develop some sort of romantic love toward one another. I wasn’t aware this was even an amicable relationship, but apparently it can work. I don’t know the logistics of it all, after I asked about the stinger, the lecture stopped and we all went out for ice cream. So with my limited knowledge of the subject, I turn to one of my favorite ways to seek information: the internet.
Simply typing in “sex” on Google brings up a variety of useful information. After scrutinizing and inspecting such headlines as “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and “Nebraska state sex-offender registry,” I stumbled upon an article I could actually learn from (although for the record, I did learn something from “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and that is never to click on “FREE porn videos and sex movies” 10 minutes before you have to leave for work). I came upon a very informative article simply entitled “How to have sex,” in which the actions of sex are broken down and explained. Strangely, there was no mention of birds or bees.
This brilliant article needs no paraphrasing, so I’ll just copy and paste it for you to read and learn from…
“Having sex can sometimes mean a number of different sexual activities, but usually it means sexual intercourse. The most common definition of sexual intercourse is an act that involves a man putting his erect penis inside a woman's vagina. Sexual intercourse might also be used to refer to sex acts between two men or between two women.
Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman usually starts with them both getting sexually excited. This is sometimes referred to as foreplay, and might involve kissing and cuddling, touching each other and other sexual activities. Foreplay is important as it means a woman's vagina begins to get moist and a man gets an erection. If the woman's vagina does not get moist enough, then having sexual intercourse could be difficult or painful for her.
If a couple are going to use a condom for protection against pregnancy or infections, they should put it on the man's penis as soon as he gets an erection. Some men say they worry about using condoms in case they lose their erection or have difficulty putting the condom on. You could get some condoms and practice beforehand. Condoms come with instructions in words and pictures which show exactly how to use them.
After the condom is on, the man or woman can guide his penis into her vagina. The couple then move their bodies so that his penis moves up and down inside her vagina. This usually rubs the penis and makes the man sexually excited so that he has an orgasm. The movement might also rub the woman's clitoris (or sensitive areas inside her vagina) so she can have an orgasm. But this often takes practice and a bit of experimentation to get it right!”

Perfect, this pretty much sums everything up. Now, the only problem is finding someone to do this with. Using this as my guide, I went out and tried to acquire a willing participant. For whatever reason, nobody responded well to “Excuse me, I was wondering if you’d like to touch each other sexually until your vagina becomes moist?”
So, with multiple failed attempts, and multiple black eyes, I turn back to the trusty internet. Now knowing all there is to know about actually having sex, I type in “Finding women to have sex with.”
This returns a wealth of useful information, including several real-live women popping up on my computer screen who seem very enthusiastic about engaging in intercourse. After filtering through my options, I’m delighted to say I’ve finally found my partner. Bad news: I maxed out my credit card. Good news: Ting-Mae will arrive from Taiwan in 2-3 weeks.
Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more on this topic. Once Ting-Mae gets here, I will undoubtedly have much more to share. In the meantime, I’ve got to go get some items she has requested, including something called “The Destroyer.”
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What are you one of those fitness freaks? Huh? Go Fuck Yourself


Too much of anything isn’t good. Too much candy leads to cavities. Too much frivolous sex leads to STD’s. Too much attention to fitness leads to…her? It? Whatever is in that picture.
Now, physical fitness is a good thing, and should most definitely be taught to our video game addicted little fat-ass kids. I’m specifically writing about the addicts. The workout warriors who count every carb they eat and spend more time at the gym than anywhere else. You’ve seen these types…the ‘Testosterone Tylers’ and the ‘Steroid Susies’ waddling around power squatting 400 pounds at 7:00am before work.
It’s not only the staggering time and effort spent on working out that gets me. It’s also the stupid fads that come and go. All the diets, all the ridiculous new equipment, such as this:
Seriously? Like…seriously? How about instead of spending 1,500 dollars on a vibrating mechanical bull, you, oh I don’t know, develop a personality?
For these exercise jockeys, working out becomes more than a healthy hobby and turns into their whole lives. I have no problem classifying this as an ‘addiction.’ If you’d rather do wind-sprints than watch a rerun of Step By Step, I feel bad for you, and you should seek help. I propose a 12-step program for workout-addicts:
  1. Admit you have a problem. Take down the poster of John Cena from your wall and throw away your ‘secret stash’ of dumbbells and ankle weights under your bed.
  2. Realize there is a higher power that can help you…Colonel Sanders.
  3. Trade in protein powder for powdered sugar. Enjoy a funnel cake or decadent donut.
  4. Take up a hobby, such as studying world issues and global affairs, rather than researching the best way to make your Serratus Anterior Muscle stand out.
  5. Re-adjust your priorities. Count the number of times you smile at a stranger, not the number of veins you can see in your arm.
  6. Eat at a McDonald’s (and do not throw up afterward). I suggest the filet-o-fish.
  7. Talk to your family members once per day (and discuss things other than that killer shoulder workout you just had).
  8. Make a list of all persons you harmed due to increased testosterone or HGH levels. Be prepared to make amends for “Roid Rage” incidents and unnecessary bullying (I’m talking to you RJ. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but when you threw me off of that parking structure, that also broke my bones).
  9. Eat at a Taco Bell. The chicken quesadilla and cinnamon twists are fucking dynamite.
  10. Do some minimal accounting work and calculate how much you spend on gym memberships, home exercise equipment, powders, pills, shakes, smoothies, and other ridiculous paraphernalia. Continue to stay in shape with your gym membership and the occasional smoothie, then give whatever is left to charity, or to me…your choice.
  11. Eat at In N’ Out Burger. Don’t deprive yourself of the simple joys.
  12. Pass your knowledge of moderation on to other “Dumbbell Dannys” and “Cardio Cathys,” so people will exercise a healthy amount and hopefully we can take the money we gain from not manufacturing ridiculous exercise machines and put it toward fixing our trillion dollar debt or however massive that number actually is.
Hopefully this will help some people get on the path to recovery. Remember: food is so, so delicious. So sure, allow yourself to ‘relapse’ and go for a 15 mile run…but afterwards? Ravage your way through your local grocery store like John Goodman after not eating for 40 minutes.
I understand also that a lot of it has to do with self confidence issues and wanting to look “good” for a variety of reasons, but at a certain point, life is too short not to have self confidence. Just be happy with how you look and who you are. Just tell the 100 pound gorgeous woman who hasn’t worked out a day in her life to go fuck herself (not really, unless she’s a bitch) and realize regardless of how you look, you kick ass (unless you’re a serial killer, in which case, you actually really suck). If you really can’t stand it, fine, starve yourself and work your ass off, I’ll be sipping margaritas and maintaining an average body with no discernable muscle definition.
This is more of a rant on how people take things like this to extremes, not on fitness itself. I run and I work out a little bit, but it feels like people go overboard and get way too into it. I respect the hard work that goes into it and I don’t want to sound like I’m on some sort of lazy high horse*.  As one of my favorite lyricists says, “I’m not a self-help book, I’m just a fucked up kid.”
Also, I apologize if I offended any of my serial killer fan base. I know you guys love comedy blogs and I really appreciate your readership. Just maybe don’t kill so many people, ok? Perhaps go for a run or workout…that can be pretty satisfying.
*The term ‘lazy high horse’ in no way refers to Seth Rogen
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Brett Dennen - Sydney (I'll Come Running)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Dream Boat

My friends, co-workers, and occasional hobos are always giving me shit about my mellow, no-stress lifestyle. It’s no secret, I’m extremely laid back and even keel (unless Florida State or Green Bay are playing, in which case—hide your children and put away anything breakable). All you really need to know is that I majored in Recreation and leisure. That pretty much sums it up right there…and yes that is as awesome as it sounds. I actually had a class called Activities. Not making that up. Now I’m teaching tennis as a day job, so yeah, very low stress.

I’ve acknowledged the fact that I’m pretty easy going in the past, but it’s just been recently that I realized their quips and jokes are more than justified. I began truly realizing this when I analyzed some of my dreams I’ve been having. These dreams have all happened in the past month or so and they really illustrate what’s going on in the old noggin. I’ve got credit card debt, not enough money to pay taxes, and I’ve been really sick three times already this year. But what does my subconscious focus on and think about you ask?

Well, dream number one…a few weeks back, I’m on a giant boat in the ocean. This boat has about seven massive waterslides shooting down into the ocean, and the entire dream is just me flying down these waterslides, having a blast, over and over, for hours…that’s it! That’s a full night of dreaming for Snake Craney.

Dream two consists of me going to the “Toddler Olympics” and for some reason being a huge fan. So I’m at the Toddler Olympics (99% sure this athletic event doesn’t exist, but it should) and I’m watching the swimming event cheering my ass off for this little guy in a diaper doing a 50M freestyle, but his little arms are just flapping around like a puffer fish because he hasn’t developed the motor skills to execute a proper freestyle stroke. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure my guy won. Setting aside the logistical problems and impossibilities of this dream, I’ve really got no idea what to make of this. I think my brain might be taking a creative writing class, but can’t stay focused enough to write anything that makes any actual sense. Regardless, competitive swimming amongst toddlers…always fun.

The last dream I’ve had recently involved myself and my friends Justin, Clark, and Chris preparing to shoot a comedy sketch. We had our idea and we were ready to film, and I decided that for some reason, we needed Anne Hathaway. So I loaded the guys up into this huge van, because apparently we turned into pedophiles for the dream, and we rolled on down to the Hathaway household, because obviously I know where that is. Anne’s mother answered the door and I barely acknowledged her, I just burst by her saying, “I’ve got to talk to Anne.” So I went to her room, because of course I know which one it is, I barged in there, and she’s topless. So naturally we started going at it, getting a little hot and heavy with Anne Hathaway, and what comes out of my mouth? “Save it for later, we need you for a comedy sketch, it’ll take 10 minutes tops.” So we rushed out of her house, past her mother, again saying nothing, and the boys were waiting in the van, I opened the door and in a very serious tone, I say “I got Hathaway, let’s roll.” I woke up before we could shoot the sketch and Anne and I could resume, but if my subconscious ever decides to finish this particular dream, I’ll let you know (after I stop weeping tears of joy).

So there you have it, I feel like that is a fairly diverse and accurate representation of what my brain is concocting. There’s no rhyme or reason as far as I can tell. Psychology majors, if you need something to do in between smoking weed and figuring out my underlying motives and rationale as to why I’d make such a sweeping generalization like that…feel free to take a crack at it.

No other dreams recently have stood out enough for me to remember after waking up. No bad dreams, no dreams about work or issues or anything. So, based on the aforementioned dreams, as well as current happenings in my daily life, here are my predictions for my dreams for the upcoming week:

Monday: I sing a duet with Wiz Khalifa while wearing a lycra-spandex suit and a cardboard Burger King crown. After we finish the duet, Wiz and I grab lunch at Arby’s, where I throw the crown away and proclaim roast beef to be the “New King.”

Tuesday: I come home one evening to find my dog Charlie has eaten all my protein powder and is now a muscular, 200 pound beast. After watching him joyously bench press the couch, we walk down to the Venice Boardwalk and he works out on Muscle Beach, much to the delight and fascination of onlookers. He is kicked out after pooping on one of the machines, and we walk home. After a steak dinner (one for me, six for him), we turn in. For once, he is the big spoon.

Wednesday: Glorious dance party inside a gigantic tub of mac & cheese.

Thursday: I take a trip to Iceland and visit a bar made entirely of ice. Incredibly, my friend Nick is also there, and we spend the rest of the night making bad ice-related jokes. “Chill out man, its cool. Go talk to that girl, I can tell she’s making your icicle freeze up.”

Friday: I’m at the batting cages, but instead of hurling out baseballs, the machine instead throws tomatoes. Fuckin awesome.

Saturday: As I get on stage to do stand-up, I realize everyone is naked. I begin to tell my first joke, and then realize everyone is making out. I realize I’ve gone to the wrong address and this is a meetup for a group that loves orgies. I run out of the club, stop off to get a turkey burger, and ruminate about why my first joke about the merits of abstinence didn’t land.

Sunday: Anne Hathaway makes her comeback with a stunning performance as a topless Starbucks barista. She gives me a java chip frappuccino and says “here’s your pussy drink, bitch.” I chug the frappuccino, crush the cup in my hand, climb over the counter, grab Hathaway…….and then wake up.

Stay tuned for future editions of this post as time goes by. Who knows what crazy, fun, ridiculously childish things my brain will come up with next.


Snake Alley Song of the Day: Tokyo Police Club - Your English is Good

Friday, April 8, 2011

A Day In The Life: Charlie "Brown" Craney

"Fry Day"

From the perspective of Charlie Craney, Manchester Terrier

Ahh, Fry Day. Feels the same as yesterday, it’ll probably feel the same as tomorrow. Good stuff. That guy is bouncing around to all that noise again.  He doesn’t seem to be making any of the noise, it’s coming from that box, but he prances about as if he is doing it himself. I have yet to figure this out. The toothbrush he is holding up to his mouth doesn’t make sense either. Things are weird.

Oh good, he’s done, time for breakfast! Holy Shit! Breakfast!

Oh man that was good. I can’t believe I ate that so fast. Sure it was the same as yesterday. Same as everyday for the past couple years in fact, but I don’t care, it’s just so fucking good! Ah! Breakfast! Uh-oh, now I have to poop. Hey, dude, take me out. Hey, dumbass, quit lying around and take me out. I swear to God if I could make a fist I’d hit you right in the face. Yes! He’s got the leash. Thanks dad! I love you.
               
Ooh, great smells outside today, great smells. K time to think Charles, we need a plan of attack. I say we go for posts, bushes, trees, anything that looks like it needs a good pissing.  Checkmate you little bush, you’re asking for it! Jesus! Was that a hummingbird or a vampire bat! That’s scary stuff man!

Ok, back inside. Feeling good. Time for some good ole thinkin. Hmm, I wonder what the socio-economic effects of a global economy would be if only…what? What’s that dad? Dude speak English, I have no idea what you are saying when you talk gibberish. You know those aren’t words right? Are you illiterate? Ahhh that feels good, yep that’s the spot. Alright nap time, something please wake me up in seven hours.

Wow, great nap. Hey I need to take a dump on something then maybe grab some dinner. Where did that guy go? Where does he go every day? I’ve been outside, I mean the bushes and grass are nice, but I can’t see spending a huge chunk of time there.

Oh sweet! A sock! Fuck yes dude. Let's bury this in the corner of the couch...gonna want to get some good chewing in later.

Alright, time to run in circles for 30 minutes...gotta keep my athletic figure after that giant old moldy muffin I got my paws on earlier.

Oh good he’s back, time to jump on him, I need to make sure he sees me and realizes I’m in need of a big ole' dump. 

Hmm, outside is different. It’s dark. Strange. Still have yet to figure out how the massive animals on the street are moving so fast. Must be excited about something.

Ahh, alright, back inside; ready to sleep for another 12 hours. Maybe if I dig at this spot on the bed it will become more comfortable. Yep, that did the trick. My foot just needs to be licked for ten minutes here before I hit the hay. I’ll start on those memoirs tomorrow.

What the FUCK was that sound outside?


Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Hold Steady - Hurricane J

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Roast of Kansas

As promised, I wasn't finished with Kansas. That dirty diaper of a state gets its own post. I proudly present the Snake Craney Roast of Kansas: a list of one-liners, zingers, and knee slappers dedicated to the slandering and ball-busting of the Sunflower State.
-Let's start off with a challenge. Try to look at the state of Kansas' outline for 10 seconds. If you don't fall asleep in the first five, you've either just taken a line of coke straight up the nostril, or you've got some weird boring rectangle fetish.

-“Kansas” literally translates to “Outcast.” The state was rejected from being called “East Colorado,” “West Missouri,” “North Oklahoma,” and “South Nebraska.”

-Kansas City didn’t even want to be part of the state, KANSAS City!!! “Oh don’t mind us, we’re just gonna scooch on over to Missouri. I suppose we can keep our ass end in Kansas.”

-Kansas is home to 46 million square miles of farmland and 1 square mile of anything else.

-Kansas’ professional (and I use that term loosely) sports teams are named things such as Mudcats, Roadrunners, Koyotes with a ‘K’, Golden Giants, T-Bones, and my personal favorite: Wingnuts. There’s no joke there, those awful names are the best punch line I could ask for. “Congratulations Timmy! You’ve been drafted by the Wichita Wingnuts! Enjoy a career of obscurity…unless you get traded to the Kansas City T-Bones, then you’ve really made the big-time.”


-There is more grass in Kansas than in all of the Cheech and Chong movies put together.

-Ben Stein once considered moving to Kansas, but decided he would be too wild for that particular state.

-The helicopter was invented in Kansas in 1909. Slightly later in 1909, "getting the hell out of Kansas" was invented.

-Kansas is home to Dodge City, America’s windiest city. Kansas really does blow (This joke was tested and approved by the 5th grade).

-Wichita State University’s athletic teams are called the Shockers. We all know you’re depraved, but to name your sports teams after a sex act? That’s a little extreme. You don’t see Cleveland State calling themselves the Steamers.

 
-“Wichita” is derived from a Native American language and roughly translates to “Shit-storm.”

-Sumner County Kansas is known as the Wheat Capital of the World. Sumner County’s suicide rate is unknown—the person who counts that data stabbed himself in the face.

-At one time it was against the law to serve ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas…sons of bitches.

-More meteorites have been found in Kansas than in any other state west of the Mississippi. See, it’s not just me—even outer space wants Kansas gone.

-Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world’s largest ball of twine, weighing in at nearly 17,000 pounds. Seriously? I mean, I knew you had to be bored…but this is entering Boredom Hall of Fame territory. This is roughly the equivalent to sitting on a hardwood floor watching your great-aunt Helen knit a pair of socks from beginning to end and the only entertainment you have is reading the nutrition label on the can of coke she let you have as a “treat.” I mean, she's a great lady, but I'd rather take off my clothes and have someone roll the giant twine ball over me.

-Kirstie Alley is from Kansas. Gross.

-Overland Park, Kansas was used as a landfill before becoming a city. Guess they just forgot to clean all that shit up.

-Kansas won the award for most beautiful license plate for the wheat plate design issued in 1981. The trophy sits on Kansas’ mantle next to the prestigious “American Apathy” award which was awarded to the state of “Kans” because the people making the award were too busy not caring to finish it.

-As of a few years ago, Kansas was officially made up of 91% white people. This officially gives Kansas the title of “Whitest Thing on Earth,” narrowly beating out polar bears, harp seals, milk, the Republican Party, Jeff Hornacek, Norway, and the fan bases of Enya, Miley Cyrus, and Weird Al Yankovic


There. I got it all out of my system. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight heavier than the average weight of a Topeka resident...huge relief.


Snake Alley Song of the Day: Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger

Thursday, February 17, 2011

State of the States pt. 10

Vermont

-State representative: Harry David Lee, inventor of Lee Jeans. Without him, lower-middle class housewives everywhere would be relegated to sweatpants.

-State shortcoming: Too promiscuous (some would go so far as to say you're 'America's gutter slut,' but I won't go that far Vermont, I won't call you 'America's gutter slut'). I mean look at you up there, constantly 69ing with New Hampshire. That's disgusting. We don't need to see that. Plus, with city names like Hancock, Johnson, Shaftsbury, and Gaysville, I'm starting to wonder what kind of agenda you're pushing.

Virginia

-State representative: Pat Benetar. Love is a Battlefield, and Virginia is for Lovers. Go ahead, hit Virginia with your best shot.

-State shortcoming: Fairfax…you know what you did.

Washington

-State representative: Bob Barker. Where would this country be without plinko? Also, where would this country be without Bob's constant reminders to spay and neuter pets? We’d be outnumbered by horny, thrusting pets. No legs would be safe, no hydrants unscathed.

-State shortcoming: Lack of originality. Washington? For your name? Way to play it safe. I would have respected you so much more if I could take a trip to Seattle, Van Buren or Tacoma, Taft. That would have been ballsy.

West Virginia

-State representative: Soupy Sales. If you need an explanation you're not American.


-State shortcoming: You're hot, but how do I know you're not my sister?

Wisconsin

-State representative: Frederick Pabst. I know, you thought I was going to go with a famous Packer because I'm a Packers fan right? Well, who helps me enjoy the Packer games even more? That's right.

-State shortcoming: Mount Horeb. I know; another curveball. You thought dairy, or cold weather, or fat people, right? No, Mount fucking Horeb. Why? Mount Horeb, Wisconsin is the Troll capital of the world and home to a Mustard Museum. What the fuck? Even if you are the Troll capital of the world, that is not something you advertise, not now, not in 1993 when they were vaguely popular, not ever. And since when does mustard need its own museum. It's mustard. Take it out of a museum and put it on my hot dog so I can get as fat as people in Wisconsin (there's the fat reference you wanted, happy now?).

Wyoming

-State representative: Dick Cheney. You were the one who raised him? You are responsible for the upbringing of this man? You should be facing charges right now Wyoming.

-State shortcoming: Having to continually attempt to clean up the skid mark left on the tighty-whities of America after learning Dick Cheney was raised there. Also, the cowboy thing kinda went out of style in the 90's. Maybe you should try on a crazy neon t-shirt and skinny jeans.

I hope you have thoroughly enjoyed this 'State of the States' segment. Now you may be asking "Jake, you've just insulted all 50 states and turned the whole country against you...so how do you expect to keep readers?"  Easy...I'm huge in Samoa. I'm like Elvis to them.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Sugarcult - Memory

State of the States pt. 9

South Carolina

-State representative: Darius Rucker, better known as Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. He’s the perfect representative—he’s a one-hit-wonder, in an eerily similar way as when one visits South Carolina, they never visit again. Rucker went on to sing in a Burger King commercial advertising the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Sandwich. Out of any state, South Carolina consumed this sandwich the most ferociously. Coincidence? I think not. I think it’s about time to change their state flag from a moon shining on a palm tree to Hootie kneeling under a palm tree vomiting up his disgusting
Tendercrispt Bacon Chedder Ranch Sandwich.

-State shortcoming: Exists mainly as North Carolina’s dirty little goatee. “Dude, you got something in your goatee, it looks like some chewing tobacco, yeah. Wait, I think I also see a slimy array of insects, yikes—that looks uncomfortable. Hang on; I see something else…oh wow, it’s a bunch of overweight racists!”

South Dakota

-State representative: Shawn Colvin. One could also consider Tom Brokaw or Hubert Humphrey, but come on, Sunny Came Home? Amazing song. Colvin takes that one any day.

-State shortcoming: Mt. Rushmore. Seriously, it’s taking away from the other beautiful sites and places around your state. Oh…damn…I just looked up all the different sites and places of your state…might want to keep whoring out that monument after all.

Tennessee

-State representative: Quentin Tarantino. Why not one of the countless musicians from Tennessee? Because I trust none of them are going to have me chopped up with a machete like some sushi roll. That dude's crazy.

-State shortcoming: Dollywood. The last thing the youth of America need is a trip to a theme park where the rollercoaster shaped like collagen-blasted lips, or carnival games where the prize is a free eye-lift. It's probably also not a wise move for kids to play in the two side-by-side bouncy castles shaped like enormous fake bouncy tits.


Texas

-State representative: Let's face it, Texas is big. Just like Texans like to remind you of 12 times a day. So, representing Texas will not be one person, but a whole slew of comically named famous regional musicians. Ernest Tubb, Dimebag Darrell Abbott, Zuzu Bollin, Juke Boy Bonner, Blues Boy Willie, Boxcar Willie, T-Bone Burnett, Harry Choates, Cowboy Troy, Kinky Friedman, Peppermint Harris, Smokey Hogg, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Peck Kelley, Hot Lips Page, Boz Scaggs, Sippie Wallace, and Demi Lovato.

-State shortcoming: Failing to turn the safety off your shotgun when you drunkenly left it in the back of Clint's F150. The damn barbecue sauce you left on the barrel was so slippery it slid off the truck bed when you were doing donuts near Milt's barn, hit an empty bucket of whiskey, ricocheted off Red's cowboy hat, through a wad of chewing tobacco, off your brother's boot spur, and hit my cousin Tim in the arm. Keep your stereotypes in line, douche.

Utah
-State representative: John Stockton. Shortest shorts in the biz. Does anyone else even live in Utah? I'm pretty sure it's just the Stockton family, Orrin Hatch, and the world's largest collection of rock formations.


-State shortcoming: Jello fetish. Apparently, more jello is eaten in Utah than anywhere else in the world. The fact that you not only keep track of such a thing, but also embrace it raises some red flags. I'm beginning to think some of your polygamists are stockpiling jello so their many wives can wrestle in it.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Socratic - May I Bum A Smoke

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

State of the States pt. 8

Ohio

-State representative: Ron Jeremy, the Hedgehog. A complete list of his filmography is both humbling and hilarious.

-State shortcoming: A little too peppy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're a positive state, but you are essentially the head cheerleader jacked up on Sunkist and smiles. I can't make it past the 'O-H' part of your little cheer without punching you or just leaving the room in disgust. For a state who boasts Cleveland and Cincinnati as its major cities, I'm beginning to wonder if you're abusing uppers.

Oklahoma

-State representative: Walter Cronkite. Without him, I would not be here today writing this blog. He is my grandfather (totally untrue). He used to tell me "grandkiddy, I know you look up to me and all I've done with my life. I hope one day you can reference me in a whimsical, albeit aimless comedic blog" (false).

-State shortcoming: Tulsa. Some mistakes are forgiveable, but I can't look the other way here. What a cesspool.

Oregon

-State representative - Phil Knight, founder of Nike. I wonder if he tested his slogan beforehand on some of Oregon’s cities. Just Do Eugene, Just Do Grants Pass, Just Do Bend, Just Do Beaver. Oregon, you are missing some fantastic marketing puns here.

-State shortcoming: It is actually illegal throughout the whole state to pump your own gas. Come on Oregon, if I can wipe my own ass I can pump my own gas. In fact, I’m going to put that on a bumper sticker right above my gas tank and drive on up to Bend. If you won't allow me to pump, I’m going to take a dump, then hand you the roll. Your move...

Pennsylvania

-State representative: Fred Rogers, from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. This gentleman not only ushered in a new era of parents cautioning children to "Stay away from strangers," he also single-handedly brought down the modern knit sweater business.
-State shortcoming: The Liberty Bell. Dude...someone broke that thing. Man up and get it fixed before you display it in the center of town.

Rhode Island

-State representative: Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy. He gets this honor not for creating family guy, but for successfully teaching our schoolchildren that Rhode Island does in fact, exist.

-State shortcoming: Hmm, let's see, Connecticut. Wait, who am I doing again? Oh right, Rhode Island. Forgot you were there for a minute--couldn't really see you.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Good Old War - Coney Island

State of the States pt. 7

New Jersey

-State representative: Ali Larter. Seriously NJ, start putting her face on billboards proclaiming "The Face of New Jersey!" Then people will start thinking of your state as attractive, instead of a putrid wasteland. Something to think about…

-State shortcoming: No alibi. Let's not beat around the bush, you're ugly New Jersey. You're the kid in class with acne and headgear (Snake Craney circa 1998). Can we get Ty Pennington to snort some more coke and do an Extreme Makeover of New Jersey?

New Mexico

-State representative: Freddie Prinze Jr. Any man that can be that bad at what he does for a living, make tons of money doing it, and top it all off by marrying Sarah Michelle Gellar should be applauded.

-State shortcoming: No 'wow' factor. Are we supposed to be impressed with Albuquerque? Swing and a miss there.  New Mexico is home to the nation's largest national forest. Is that where you're hiding the interesting parts of the state?

New York

-State representative: Donald Trump, Paul Simon, Groucho Marx, Tom Cruise, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Lady GaGa, JP Morgan, Ja Rule, Derek Jeter, Brian Williams, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Mos Def. What...there's a lot of fuckin people there!

-State shortcoming: Every single day, someone is raped, murdered, kidnapped, or a combination of all three. I've never actually been there or researched this, but Law & Order, Law & Order SVU, and Law & Order Criminal Intent provide a pretty thorough documentary of the city/state. Seems pretty rough.

North Carolina

-State representative: Reginald VelJohnson. VelJohnson is better known as Carl Winslow on Family Matters. What a role to serve as the pinnacle of your career. Well done Reginald, well done.

-State shortcoming: English (lack of). For the last time, Carolina is not pronounced "Curralina," and America is not pronounced "Murca." Not to sound uppity, but do you have any idea how uneducated you sound? (not you, Duke University) Let me put it in terms you might be able to decipher: u ain't sound learned good.

North Carolina residents: next time I am in your state, I give you full permission to kick my ass.

North Dakota

-State representative: Casper Oimoen. Yes, that’s a real person. He was an American Olympic Ski Jumping champion from the 1920’s and 30’s. You can’t ride that wave forever Northy, it’s been 80 years—time for some fresh faces.

-State shortcoming: An overwhelming wave of public apathy. It’s beginning to look as though you just don’t give a shit North Dakota, the rest of us sure don’t. Is it just that you don’t even want to try? Or are there no residents left except those in remote cabins in the wilderness? Your official state symbol is a shoulder-shrug. Someone get this state a defibrillator.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Wiz Khalifa - Roll Up

Friday, February 11, 2011

State of the States pt. 6

Missouri

-State representative: Adolphus Busch, founder of Anheuser Busch. The man created a profitable way to actually enjoy being in Missouri. He also ushered in a new era of gettin' tipsy and laid the foundation for the spread of 'The Freshman 15' through his high calorie brew.

-State shortcoming: Much too demanding without having anything in return. I don't have to show you anything. You show me something besides a giant arch and I'll think about showing you something.

Montana

-State representative: Patrick Duffy. Could there be anyone else? Take a long, hard look at the pride of Montana

-State shortcoming: Can't...think...of...shortcoming.....distracted by...Duffy

Nebraska

-State representative:  Andy Roddick. Tennis pro and smart man. He was born there, then promptly got the hell out of there. Nick Nolte could also be considered the rep here...he's crazy, probably because Nebraska made him that way, I don't want to deny him this if he wants it.

-State shortcoming: central buckle in the 'boredom belt,' consisting of Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota. Kind of a fat belt you say? Have you seen the majority of the people living in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota? I’d say that's a pretty damn proportional belt. Nebraska may be the most boring of all. I'd rather spend the day in a sealed coffin than spend an hour in Nebraska.

Nevada

-State representative: Brandon Flowers. Listen to an interview with Flowers and you'll see the long term effects of living in Vegas.

-State shortcoming: one-hit wonder. What happens in Nevada......doesn't matter unless it happens in Vegas.

New Hampshire

-State representative: Sarah Silverman. Like Silverman, New Hampshire is a boorish, sarcastic, foul-mouthed jokester who is just barely attractive enough to garner popularity. New Hampshire has had several creative offerings, including its own show. The asinine and obtuse views, coupled with trite and overused jokes made it one of the most annoying shows in existence. One critic (me) went as far as to say "I'd rather keep New Hampshire locked up there in the attic where it belongs." Also, New Hampshire had a much-publicized relationship with TV host and cured meat connoisseur Jimmy Kimmel. Come on Jimmy, I know you're not Clooney, but can you imagine where New Hampshire's been? Jesus.

-State shortcoming: extremism. "Live Free or Die?" Seems a little much. How about "Live Free, hopefully," or "Live Free, as best you can," or "Live Free, Unless Otherwise Conquered, In Which Case, Hail New Leaders!"

Next Week: The conclusion of State of the States

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale