“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things…”
Oh, hello. You caught me listening to Salt n’ Pepa on my Walkman. I do it every night before my lavender and sea salt mineral bath. Anyway, now that it’s been brought up, let’s go ahead talk about sex. Why? Why the hell not? It’s pretty awesome. If you want to read about economic policy or financial restrictions vis-à-vis litigation issues or similar nonsense, you might as well head over to Carrot Top’s blog…it's just as likely to put you to sleep as that boring crap (A note to Mr. Top: prop comedy doesn’t translate well to written word).
Sex, according to the information I gathered whilst talking to my parents, occurs when birds and bees develop some sort of romantic love toward one another. I wasn’t aware this was even an amicable relationship, but apparently it can work. I don’t know the logistics of it all, after I asked about the stinger, the lecture stopped and we all went out for ice cream. So with my limited knowledge of the subject, I turn to one of my favorite ways to seek information: the internet.
Simply typing in “sex” on Google brings up a variety of useful information. After scrutinizing and inspecting such headlines as “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and “Nebraska state sex-offender registry,” I stumbled upon an article I could actually learn from (although for the record, I did learn something from “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and that is never to click on “FREE porn videos and sex movies” 10 minutes before you have to leave for work). I came upon a very informative article simply entitled “How to have sex,” in which the actions of sex are broken down and explained. Strangely, there was no mention of birds or bees.
This brilliant article needs no paraphrasing, so I’ll just copy and paste it for you to read and learn from…
“Having sex can sometimes mean a number of different sexual activities, but usually it means sexual intercourse. The most common definition of sexual intercourse is an act that involves a man putting his erect penis inside a woman's vagina. Sexual intercourse might also be used to refer to sex acts between two men or between two women.
Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman usually starts with them both getting sexually excited. This is sometimes referred to as foreplay, and might involve kissing and cuddling, touching each other and other sexual activities. Foreplay is important as it means a woman's vagina begins to get moist and a man gets an erection. If the woman's vagina does not get moist enough, then having sexual intercourse could be difficult or painful for her.
If a couple are going to use a condom for protection against pregnancy or infections, they should put it on the man's penis as soon as he gets an erection. Some men say they worry about using condoms in case they lose their erection or have difficulty putting the condom on. You could get some condoms and practice beforehand. Condoms come with instructions in words and pictures which show exactly how to use them.
After the condom is on, the man or woman can guide his penis into her vagina. The couple then move their bodies so that his penis moves up and down inside her vagina. This usually rubs the penis and makes the man sexually excited so that he has an orgasm. The movement might also rub the woman's clitoris (or sensitive areas inside her vagina) so she can have an orgasm. But this often takes practice and a bit of experimentation to get it right!”
Perfect, this pretty much sums everything up. Now, the only problem is finding someone to do this with. Using this as my guide, I went out and tried to acquire a willing participant. For whatever reason, nobody responded well to “Excuse me, I was wondering if you’d like to touch each other sexually until your vagina becomes moist?”
So, with multiple failed attempts, and multiple black eyes, I turn back to the trusty internet. Now knowing all there is to know about actually having sex, I type in “Finding women to have sex with.”
This returns a wealth of useful information, including several real-live women popping up on my computer screen who seem very enthusiastic about engaging in intercourse. After filtering through my options, I’m delighted to say I’ve finally found my partner. Bad news: I maxed out my credit card. Good news: Ting-Mae will arrive from Taiwan in 2-3 weeks.
Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more on this topic. Once Ting-Mae gets here, I will undoubtedly have much more to share. In the meantime, I’ve got to go get some items she has requested, including something called “The Destroyer.”
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex
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