What are you one of those fitness freaks? Huh? Go Fuck Yourself

Too much of anything isn’t good. Too much candy leads to cavities. Too much frivolous sex leads to STD’s. Too much attention to fitness leads to…her? It? Whatever is in that picture.

Now, physical fitness is a good thing, and should most definitely be taught to our video game addicted little fat-ass kids. I’m specifically writing about the addicts. The workout warriors who count every carb they eat and spend more time at the gym than anywhere else. You’ve seen these types…the ‘Testosterone Tylers’ and the ‘Steroid Susies’ waddling around power squatting 400 pounds at 7:00am before work.

It’s not only the staggering time and effort spent on working out that gets me. It’s also the stupid fads that come and go. All the diets, all the ridiculous new equipment, such as this:

Absurd Exercise Thingy

Seriously? Like…seriously? How about instead of spending 1,500 dollars on a vibrating mechanical bull, you, oh I don’t know, develop a personality?

For these exercise jockeys, working out becomes more than a healthy hobby and turns into their whole lives. I have no problem classifying this as an ‘addiction.’ If you’d rather do wind-sprints than watch a rerun of Step By Step, I feel bad for you, and you should seek help. I propose a 12-step program for workout-addicts:

1. Admit you have a problem. Take down the poster of John Cena from your wall and throw away your ‘secret stash’ of dumbbells and ankle weights under your bed.
2. Realize there is a higher power that can help you…Colonel Sanders.
3. Trade in protein powder for powdered sugar. Enjoy a funnel cake or decadent donut.
4. Take up a hobby, such as studying world issues and global affairs, rather than researching the best way to make your Serratus Anterior Muscle stand out.
5. Re-adjust your priorities. Count the number of times you smile at a stranger, not the number of veins you can see in your arm.
6. Eat at a McDonald’s (and do not throw up afterward). I suggest the filet-o-fish.
7. Talk to your family members once per day (and discuss things other than that killer shoulder workout you just had).
8. Make a list of all persons you harmed due to increased testosterone or HGH levels. Be prepared to make amends for “Roid Rage” incidents and unnecessary bullying (I’m talking to you RJ. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but when you threw me off of that parking structure, that also broke my bones).
9. Eat at a Taco Bell. The chicken quesadilla and cinnamon twists are fucking dynamite.
10. Do some minimal accounting work and calculate how much you spend on gym memberships, home exercise equipment, powders, pills, shakes, smoothies, and other ridiculous paraphernalia. Continue to stay in shape with your gym membership and the occasional smoothie, then give whatever is left to charity, or to me…your choice.
11. Eat at In N’ Out Burger. Don’t deprive yourself of the simple joys.
12. Pass your knowledge of moderation on to other “Dumbbell Dannys” and “Cardio Cathys,” so people will exercise a healthy amount and hopefully we can take the money we gain from not manufacturing ridiculous exercise machines and put it toward fixing our trillion dollar debt or however massive that number actually is.

Hopefully this will help some people get on the path to recovery. Remember: food is so, so delicious. So sure, allow yourself to ‘relapse’ and go for a 15 mile run…but afterwards? Ravage your way through your local grocery store like John Goodman after not eating for 40 minutes.

I understand also that a lot of it has to do with self confidence issues and wanting to look “good” for a variety of reasons, but at a certain point, life is too short not to have self confidence. Just be happy with how you look and who you are. Just tell the 100 pound gorgeous woman who hasn’t worked out a day in her life to go fuck herself (not really, unless she’s a bitch) and realize regardless of how you look, you kick ass (unless you’re a serial killer, in which case, you actually really suck). If you really can’t stand it, fine, starve yourself and work your ass off, I’ll be sipping margaritas and maintaining an average body with no discernable muscle definition.

This is more of a rant on how people take things like this to extremes, not on fitness itself. I run and I work out a little bit, but it feels like people go overboard and get way too into it. I respect the hard work that goes into it and I don’t want to sound like I’m on some sort of lazy high horse*.  As one of my favorite lyricists says, “I’m not a self-help book, I’m just a fucked up kid.”

Also, I apologize if I offended any of my serial killer fan base. I know you guys love comedy blogs and I really appreciate your readership. Just maybe don’t kill so many people, ok? Perhaps go for a run or workout…that can be pretty satisfying.

*The term ‘lazy high horse’ in no way refers to Seth Rogen

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Brett Dennen - Sydney (I'll Come Running)