Monday, March 26, 2012

Can you spell racism? Mississippi Can't

If there’s one thing Mississippi knows, it’s good ole fashioned racism. Recently, the southern “charm” of the state was in full effect for a March Madness game between Kansas State and Southern Mississippi.

In a first round clash between the two schools, Kansas State guard Angel Rodriguez was the victim of some vitriol in the form of a chant from the Southern Miss band. While Rodriguez was at the free throw line, members of the band began chanting “Where’s your green card?”

Let’s face it…that’s kind of funny. Still, to chant it in the middle of the biggest basketball tournament in the world takes some kind of “let’s throw caution to the white wind” mentality I could never imagine. While slightly clever, the remark is just as bad as a homophobic slur or other racial diatribe.

In an attempt to not start hate wars, the school has penalized and suspended those members of the band and issued an apology.

Rodriguez had a wonderful response. He managed to provide a fitting retort, while displaying terrible, terrible grammar.

"I heard it. I don't pay attention to that nonsense, especially because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, so we don't need no type of papers,” said Rodriguez. Simple, effective, and conveyed in the type of sentence structure Mississippians can understand.

This isn’t the first episode for the Southern Miss band. They have been notorious all year long for their chants and antics during games.  Earlier in the season, during a game, they singled out an Asian player on an opposing team by chanting “Ching-Chang-Chung” and throwing rice onto the court. Not long after that, in a game featuring a player from Africa, the band members chanted “Kony’s got your brother.”

Terrible? Yes. Wrong? Absolutely. Let’s face it though, it’s Mississippi…the state that is last or near last in every major education category. You know those “Take a penny, leave a penny” trays? We should have a “Take a state, leave a state” option for our shittier states. Give that racist, backward, intellectually stunted state to Canada. Those dumb maple syrup-loving, pot smoking, hockey playing hippies will be too busy replaying Wayne Gretzky highlights to notice.


Snake Alley Song of the Day: TWDY - Players Holiday

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Wussiest Sports Mascots

When I think of professional sports, I think of elite athletes engaged in fierce competition. As such, it’s only fitting that sports teams should be named something intimidating, right?

Some organizations have done a great job with this, such as the Memphis Grizzlies, New Jersey Devils, and Nashville Predators. Others have completely missed the mark, often times quite comically. Let’s take a look at some of the more ridiculous mascots.

*Note: This list only includes major professional sports teams...sorry Wichita Wingnuts and Scottsdale Community College Fightin’ Artichokes.


Baltimore Orioles


Baltimore team founder: “What are we thinking guys?”

Employee that is secretly sniffing glue: “How about a non-aggressive small bird that no one has ever heard of?”

Baltimore team founder (7 Mint Juleps deep): “Perfect!”

Washington Capitals


Just so lazy. That’s lazier than me right now…and I’m lying in bed eating a muffin at noon on a weekday.

Miami Dolphins


300 pound steroid-infused beasts colliding with each other in one of the most intense, violent sports in the world, and you pick the most adorable mascot you possibly could? That’s ballsy.

Milwaukee Brewers


Be honest…you were clearly just drunk when you thought of this.

Seattle Seahawks


Is that even a real animal? I feel like they really missed the boat by not calling the team the “Seattle Sasquatches.” Just as real as a “Seahawk” and much more intimidating.

Washington Wizards/Orlando Magic


Surprised your players wear basketball shorts and not glittery skirts.

Edmonton Oilers


WTF?

Cleveland Browns


Joke of a name, joke of a franchise.

Ottawa Senators


This one’s just perplexing. Such an odd mascot for a sports team (Unless its Senator Scott Brown…I wouldn’t want to play that team).

New Jersey Nets


Just file this under “Least creative name ever” category. Might as well have just gone with the “New Jersey Balls” and at least had some fun with it.

Toronto Maple Leafs


Possibly the toughest sport out there and you go with FOLIAGE? Seriously? No, seriously?
Let's hope that some of the owners of these teams get the message and change their mascots to fierce, bloodthirsty animals or something equally as frightening. The New Jersey Chupacabras has a nice ring to it...or maybe the Toronto Anacondas.
Actually, what could be even better is if some of them read this, and just to spite me, change their name to something even wussier, such as the Edmonton Unicorns, or the Seattle Ponies.


Snake Alley Song of the Day: Two Door Cinema Club - Undercover Martyn

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Caption Fun 2

More caption fun! Never the most intelligent subject matter, but always good for a laugh.


--I’m gonna get so many chicks if I win this match
--U.S.A: rubbing our balls on the rest of the world since 1776
--5 more seconds and he’ll be unconscious…beef stroganoff for lunch was an excellent choice
--Tony was right, wrestling is gay. I’m gonna give that guy the angriest blowjob tonight
--I spy something brown
--Years of training well spent. Next project: search for Loch Ness Monster
--Winning the match: awesome. Forcible skull-fuck: icing on the cake
--Is it legal if I fart, or will I get disqualified?
--And they said I’d never learn anything at Morehead State
--In America, we call this a “sack lunch”
--Somewhere in the distance I can hear my father crying

Snake Alley song of the day: Walk the Moon - Anna Sun