State of the States pt. 10

Vermont

-State representative: Harry David Lee, inventor of Lee Jeans. Without him, lower-middle class housewives everywhere would be relegated to sweatpants.

-State shortcoming: Too promiscuous (some would go so far as to say you're 'America's gutter slut,' but I won't go that far Vermont, I won't call you 'America's gutter slut'). I mean look at you up there, constantly 69ing with New Hampshire. That's disgusting. We don't need to see that. Plus, with city names like Hancock, Johnson, Shaftsbury, and Gaysville, I'm starting to wonder what kind of agenda you're pushing.

Virginia

-State representative: Pat Benetar. Love is a Battlefield, and Virginia is for Lovers. Go ahead, hit Virginia with your best shot.

-State shortcoming: Fairfax…you know what you did.

Washington

-State representative: Bob Barker. Where would this country be without plinko? Also, where would this country be without Bob's constant reminders to spay and neuter pets? We’d be outnumbered by horny, thrusting pets. No legs would be safe, no hydrants unscathed.

-State shortcoming: Lack of originality. Washington? For your name? Way to play it safe. I would have respected you so much more if I could take a trip to Seattle, Van Buren or Tacoma, Taft. That would have been ballsy.

West Virginia

-State representative: Soupy Sales. If you need an explanation you're not American.

-State shortcoming: You're hot, but how do I know you're not my sister?

Wisconsin

-State representative: Frederick Pabst. I know, you thought I was going to go with a famous Packer because I'm a Packers fan right? Well, who helps me enjoy the Packer games even more? That's right.

-State shortcoming: Mount Horeb. I know; another curveball. You thought dairy, or cold weather, or fat people, right? No, Mount fucking Horeb. Why? Mount Horeb, Wisconsin is the Troll capital of the world and home to a Mustard Museum. What the fuck? Even if you are the Troll capital of the world, that is not something you advertise, not now, not in 1993 when they were vaguely popular, not ever. And since when does mustard need its own museum. It's mustard. Take it out of a museum and put it on my hot dog so I can get as fat as people in Wisconsin (there's the fat reference you wanted, happy now?).

Wyoming

-State representative: Dick Cheney. You were the one who raised him? You are responsible for the upbringing of this man? You should be facing charges right now Wyoming.

-State shortcoming: Having to continually attempt to clean up the skid mark left on the tighty-whities of America after learning Dick Cheney was raised there. Also, the cowboy thing kinda went out of style in the 90's. Maybe you should try on a crazy neon t-shirt and skinny jeans.

I hope you have thoroughly enjoyed this 'State of the States' segment. Now you may be asking "Jake, you've just insulted all 50 states and turned the whole country against you...so how do you expect to keep readers?"  Easy...I'm huge in Samoa. I'm like Elvis to them.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Sugarcult - Memory