State of the States pt. 5

Maryland

-State representative: Thurgood Marshall. Dude was a badass. What, you wanted 50 straight jokes?

-State shortcoming: Kathy Lee Gifford. Can't let that go Maryland. This is precisely what your abandoned industrial warehouses are for. No one would find her.*

*In no way does Jake Craney condone the beating, maiming, bludgeoning, puncturing, tickling, or strangling of Kathy Lee Gifford.

Massachusetts

-State representative: Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin. The man came up with a revolutionary device that extracts the seeds from cotton, yet, from the look of his picture Eli's Sassy Do, could not invent any such device that would extract the grease from his hair. Nonetheless, for his inventiveness and impact on our future, Eli gets the nod here. Conan O'Brien came in a close second, with former President John Adams a distant third.

-State shortcoming: 'wicked retahhded' accent. how did that accent come about? It sounds like someone was in mid (proper) speech and was hit on the head by a large falling rock, then switched to a Boston accent and people just went with it to make him feel normal (side note to potential authors and entertainers: it's always a good tactic to alienate as many listeners/readers/audience members as possible. If there are any remaining Craney supporters in Boston, I'd like you to know that the Red Sox blow. There--that should get the last of 'em).

Michigan

-State representative: James Lipton. Put some glasses and a receeding hairline on michigan and tell me that's not James Lipton.

-State shortcoming: Detroit. It’s like having a school full of bright, well-behaved students, then you have Detroit sitting in the back with neck tats lighting his desk on fire.

Minnesota

-State representative: Ric Flair, The Nature Boy! 16-time World Heavyweight Champion of fake wrestling. Head to Ric Flair's Wikipedia page and check out the section entitled 'Personal Life.' I'll let him represent whatever he wants.

-State shortcoming: Gluttony. "Hey Bill, what should we do with all this space?" "I don't know Tom, why don't we build a mall?" "Okay cool, a regular sized mall?" "No, a mall the size of 78 football fields!" "Excellent, sounds good. Hey, get that moose out of here! He'll steal our idea!"

In the preceding dramatic re-creation, the part of Bill was played by the state of Minnesota. The part of Tom was also played by the state of Minnesota. Anyone who would have and carry out an idea for something so grossly overdone and unnecessary is obviously mentally unbalanced. The moose was played by an actual moose.

Mississippi

-State representative: Oprah Winfrey. She's too powerful not to be given this honor. If I had left her off, I probably would have been destroyed by robots whose weight fluctuates wildly. Also, secondary representative goes to angry rapper David Banner. He scares me. Lots of intimidation going on here Mississippi.

-State shortcoming: statistics. Mississippi is ranked last in health care, last in litter removal, last in academic achievement, last in personal per capita income (also last in knowing what the term 'per capita' means), has the highest rate of obesity, blood pressure, diabetes, and adult inactivity. Essentially, when other countries insult the US, this is where they start.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: An Angle - Oh Oh Oh Trouble