State of the States pt. 9

South Carolina

-State representative: Darius Rucker, better known as Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. He’s the perfect representative—he’s a one-hit-wonder, in an eerily similar way as when one visits South Carolina, they never visit again. Rucker went on to sing in a Burger King commercial advertising the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Sandwich. Out of any state, South Carolina consumed this sandwich the most ferociously. Coincidence? I think not. I think it’s about time to change their state flag from a moon shining on a palm tree to Hootie kneeling under a palm tree vomiting up his disgusting

Tendercrispt Bacon Chedder Ranch Sandwich.

-State shortcoming: Exists mainly as North Carolina’s dirty little goatee. “Dude, you got something in your goatee, it looks like some chewing tobacco, yeah. Wait, I think I also see a slimy array of insects, yikes—that looks uncomfortable. Hang on; I see something else…oh wow, it’s a bunch of overweight racists!”

South Dakota

-State representative: Shawn Colvin. One could also consider Tom Brokaw or Hubert Humphrey, but come on, Sunny Came Home? Amazing song. Colvin takes that one any day.

-State shortcoming: Mt. Rushmore. Seriously, it’s taking away from the other beautiful sites and places around your state. Oh…damn…I just looked up all the different sites and places of your state…might want to keep whoring out that monument after all.

Tennessee

-State representative: Quentin Tarantino. Why not one of the countless musicians from Tennessee? Because I trust none of them are going to have me chopped up with a machete like some sushi roll. That dude's crazy.

-State shortcoming: Dollywood. The last thing the youth of America need is a trip to a theme park where the rollercoaster shaped like collagen-blasted lips, or carnival games where the prize is a free eye-lift. It's probably also not a wise move for kids to play in the two side-by-side bouncy castles shaped like enormous fake bouncy tits.

Texas

-State representative: Let's face it, Texas is big. Just like Texans like to remind you of 12 times a day. So, representing Texas will not be one person, but a whole slew of comically named famous regional musicians. Ernest Tubb, Dimebag Darrell Abbott, Zuzu Bollin, Juke Boy Bonner, Blues Boy Willie, Boxcar Willie, T-Bone Burnett, Harry Choates, Cowboy Troy, Kinky Friedman, Peppermint Harris, Smokey Hogg, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Peck Kelley, Hot Lips Page, Boz Scaggs, Sippie Wallace, and Demi Lovato.

-State shortcoming: Failing to turn the safety off your shotgun when you drunkenly left it in the back of Clint's F150. The damn barbecue sauce you left on the barrel was so slippery it slid off the truck bed when you were doing donuts near Milt's barn, hit an empty bucket of whiskey, ricocheted off Red's cowboy hat, through a wad of chewing tobacco, off your brother's boot spur, and hit my cousin Tim in the arm. Keep your stereotypes in line, douche.

Utah

-State representative: John Stockton. Shortest shorts in the biz. Does anyone else even live in Utah? I'm pretty sure it's just the Stockton family, Orrin Hatch, and the world's largest collection of rock formations.

-State shortcoming: Jello fetish. Apparently, more jello is eaten in Utah than anywhere else in the world. The fact that you not only keep track of such a thing, but also embrace it raises some red flags. I'm beginning to think some of your polygamists are stockpiling jello so their many wives can wrestle in it.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Socratic - May I Bum A Smoke