State of the States pt. 2

Colorado

-State representative: John Elway. That man can sure sell an automobile. Huh? He had another profession? (From the looks of those teeth I'm gonna guess he's how Denver originally extracted its corn from the cob?)

-State shortcoming: the eastern half (more like 30 percent) of your state. While the western half is filled with beautiful mountains and great cities, one of which I grew up in (what up Ft. Collins!), the eastern half looks and acts suspiciously like Kansas. Make sure to let your eastern half know that if it does not shape up, you can annex it to officially become part of Kansas. That should do the trick.

Connecticut

-State Representative: Eriq La Salle. Never has there been a more brilliant portrayal of "intimidating urban doctor" on television. Also, props for channeling your inner "chumbawamba" and not even attempting a career after your big hit.

-State Shortcoming: Lack of stardom. What's the best you're offering us...Hartford? Call me in 1983 when the Whalers were relevant.

Delaware

-State representative: Joe Biden. Maybe we should just change your name to Maryland’s Vice-State.

-State shortcoming: Self-confidence. I never ever hear anything good or bad about the state of Delaware. I often forget you exist. You’re like the girl in Junior High with braces and acne who is too shy to ever say anything. Grow some balls Delaware, you might grow up to be hot!

District of Columbia

-State representative: Samuel L. Jackson. “Hey DC, take it easy, I just asked for an autograph, you seem really aggressive. Jesus! Why are you carrying a shotgun?! What? No I don’t know anything about any snakes.”

-State shortcoming: Major “little-man” complex. No wonder you have to pass all those laws to feel useful, you’re smaller than Rhode Island! And what is with this damn monument?  Overcompensate much?

Florida

-State representative: Vanilla Ice. A constant reminder to America's youth that no matter how untalented and unintelligent you may be, you can still make it!  Also, a friendly reminder that no matter what mistakes you may have made in life, at least you're not Vanilla Ice

-State shortcoming: total schizo. It's a sticky melting pot (literally, if you step foot in the state any time from May through September you will start melting). You've got 20 percent beach bums, 20 percent college kids, 20 percent Cuban high rollers, 20 percent rednecks, 20 percent latin divas, 20 percent wealthy families, 20 more percent rednecks, and 45 percent elderly folks. I realize that math may seem off, but I had a resident of Palatka come up with these statistics, so what can you expect?

Snake Alley Song of the Day: GO PACK GO!