State of the States pt. 8

Ohio

-State representative: Ron Jeremy, the Hedgehog. A complete list of his filmography is both humbling and hilarious.

-State shortcoming: A little too peppy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're a positive state, but you are essentially the head cheerleader jacked up on Sunkist and smiles. I can't make it past the 'O-H' part of your little cheer without punching you or just leaving the room in disgust. For a state who boasts Cleveland and Cincinnati as its major cities, I'm beginning to wonder if you're abusing uppers.

Oklahoma

-State representative: Walter Cronkite. Without him, I would not be here today writing this blog. He is my grandfather (totally untrue). He used to tell me "grandkiddy, I know you look up to me and all I've done with my life. I hope one day you can reference me in a whimsical, albeit aimless comedic blog" (false).

-State shortcoming: Tulsa. Some mistakes are forgiveable, but I can't look the other way here. What a cesspool.

Oregon

-State representative - Phil Knight, founder of Nike. I wonder if he tested his slogan beforehand on some of Oregon’s cities. Just Do Eugene, Just Do Grants Pass, Just Do Bend, Just Do Beaver. Oregon, you are missing some fantastic marketing puns here.

-State shortcoming: It is actually illegal throughout the whole state to pump your own gas. Come on Oregon, if I can wipe my own ass I can pump my own gas. In fact, I’m going to put that on a bumper sticker right above my gas tank and drive on up to Bend. If you won't allow me to pump, I’m going to take a dump, then hand you the roll. Your move...

Pennsylvania

-State representative: Fred Rogers, from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. This gentleman not only ushered in a new era of parents cautioning children to "Stay away from strangers," he also single-handedly brought down the modern knit sweater business.

-State shortcoming: The Liberty Bell. Dude...someone broke that thing. Man up and get it fixed before you display it in the center of town.

Rhode Island

-State representative: Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy. He gets this honor not for creating family guy, but for successfully teaching our schoolchildren that Rhode Island does in fact, exist.

-State shortcoming: Hmm, let's see, Connecticut. Wait, who am I doing again? Oh right, Rhode Island. Forgot you were there for a minute--couldn't really see you.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Good Old War - Coney Island