State of the States pt. 7

New Jersey

-State representative: Ali Larter. Seriously NJ, start putting her face on billboards proclaiming "The Face of New Jersey!" Then people will start thinking of your state as attractive, instead of a putrid wasteland. Something to think about…

-State shortcoming: No alibi. Let's not beat around the bush, you're ugly New Jersey. You're the kid in class with acne and headgear (Snake Craney circa 1998). Can we get Ty Pennington to snort some more coke and do an Extreme Makeover of New Jersey?

New Mexico

-State representative: Freddie Prinze Jr. Any man that can be that bad at what he does for a living, make tons of money doing it, and top it all off by marrying Sarah Michelle Gellar should be applauded.

-State shortcoming: No 'wow' factor. Are we supposed to be impressed with Albuquerque? Swing and a miss there.  New Mexico is home to the nation's largest national forest. Is that where you're hiding the interesting parts of the state?

New York

-State representative: Donald Trump, Paul Simon, Groucho Marx, Tom Cruise, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Lady GaGa, JP Morgan, Ja Rule, Derek Jeter, Brian Williams, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Mos Def. What...there's a lot of fuckin people there!

-State shortcoming: Every single day, someone is raped, murdered, kidnapped, or a combination of all three. I've never actually been there or researched this, but Law & Order, Law & Order SVU, and Law & Order Criminal Intent provide a pretty thorough documentary of the city/state. Seems pretty rough.

North Carolina

-State representative: Reginald VelJohnson. VelJohnson is better known as Carl Winslow on Family Matters. What a role to serve as the pinnacle of your career. Well done Reginald, well done.

-State shortcoming: English (lack of). For the last time, Carolina is not pronounced "Curralina," and America is not pronounced "Murca." Not to sound uppity, but do you have any idea how uneducated you sound? (not you, Duke University) Let me put it in terms you might be able to decipher: u ain't sound learned good.

North Carolina residents: next time I am in your state, I give you full permission to kick my ass.

North Dakota

-State representative: Casper Oimoen. Yes, that’s a real person. He was an American Olympic Ski Jumping champion from the 1920’s and 30’s. You can’t ride that wave forever Northy, it’s been 80 years—time for some fresh faces.

-State shortcoming: An overwhelming wave of public apathy. It’s beginning to look as though you just don’t give a shit North Dakota, the rest of us sure don’t. Is it just that you don’t even want to try? Or are there no residents left except those in remote cabins in the wilderness? Your official state symbol is a shoulder-shrug. Someone get this state a defibrillator.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Wiz Khalifa - Roll Up