State of the States pt. 6

Missouri

-State representative: Adolphus Busch, founder of Anheuser Busch. The man created a profitable way to actually enjoy being in Missouri. He also ushered in a new era of gettin' tipsy and laid the foundation for the spread of 'The Freshman 15' through his high calorie brew.

-State shortcoming: Much too demanding without having anything in return. I don't have to show you anything. You show me something besides a giant arch and I'll think about showing you something.

Montana

-State representative: Patrick Duffy. Could there be anyone else? Take a long, hard look at the pride of Montana

-State shortcoming: Can't...think...of...shortcoming.....distracted by...Duffy

Nebraska

-State representative:  Andy Roddick. Tennis pro and smart man. He was born there, then promptly got the hell out of there. Nick Nolte could also be considered the rep here...he's crazy, probably because Nebraska made him that way, I don't want to deny him this if he wants it.

-State shortcoming: central buckle in the 'boredom belt,' consisting of Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota. Kind of a fat belt you say? Have you seen the majority of the people living in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota? I’d say that's a pretty damn proportional belt. Nebraska may be the most boring of all. I'd rather spend the day in a sealed coffin than spend an hour in Nebraska.

Nevada

-State representative: Brandon Flowers. Listen to an interview with Flowers and you'll see the long term effects of living in Vegas.

-State shortcoming: one-hit wonder. What happens in Nevada......doesn't matter unless it happens in Vegas.

New Hampshire

-State representative: Sarah Silverman. Like Silverman, New Hampshire is a boorish, sarcastic, foul-mouthed jokester who is just barely attractive enough to garner popularity. New Hampshire has had several creative offerings, including its own show. The asinine and obtuse views, coupled with trite and overused jokes made it one of the most annoying shows in existence. One critic (me) went as far as to say "I'd rather keep New Hampshire locked up there in the attic where it belongs." Also, New Hampshire had a much-publicized relationship with TV host and cured meat connoisseur Jimmy Kimmel. Come on Jimmy, I know you're not Clooney, but can you imagine where New Hampshire's been? Jesus.

-State shortcoming: extremism. "Live Free or Die?" Seems a little much. How about "Live Free, hopefully," or "Live Free, as best you can," or "Live Free, Unless Otherwise Conquered, In Which Case, Hail New Leaders!"

Next Week: The conclusion of State of the States

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale