State of the States pt. 6

Missouri

-State representative: Adolphus Busch, founder of Anheuser Busch. The man created a profitable way to actually enjoy being in Missouri. He also ushered in a new era of gettin' tipsy and laid the foundation for the spread of 'The Freshman 15' through his high calorie brew.

-State shortcoming: Much too demanding without having anything in return. I don't have to show you anything. You show me something besides a giant arch and I'll think about showing you something.

Montana

-State representative: Patrick Duffy. Could there be anyone else? Take a long, hard look at the pride of Montana

-State shortcoming: Can't...think...of...shortcoming.....distracted by...Duffy

Nebraska

-State representative:  Andy Roddick. Tennis pro and smart man. He was born there, then promptly got the hell out of there. Nick Nolte could also be considered the rep here...he's crazy, probably because Nebraska made him that way, I don't want to deny him this if he wants it.

-State shortcoming: central buckle in the 'boredom belt,' consisting of Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota. Kind of a fat belt you say? Have you seen the majority of the people living in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota? I’d say that's a pretty damn proportional belt. Nebraska may be the most boring of all. I'd rather spend the day in a sealed coffin than spend an hour in Nebraska.

Nevada

-State representative: Brandon Flowers. Listen to an interview with Flowers and you'll see the long term effects of living in Vegas.

-State shortcoming: one-hit wonder. What happens in Nevada......doesn't matter unless it happens in Vegas.

New Hampshire

-State representative: Sarah Silverman. Like Silverman, New Hampshire is a boorish, sarcastic, foul-mouthed jokester who is just barely attractive enough to garner popularity. New Hampshire has had several creative offerings, including its own show. The asinine and obtuse views, coupled with trite and overused jokes made it one of the most annoying shows in existence. One critic (me) went as far as to say "I'd rather keep New Hampshire locked up there in the attic where it belongs." Also, New Hampshire had a much-publicized relationship with TV host and cured meat connoisseur Jimmy Kimmel. Come on Jimmy, I know you're not Clooney, but can you imagine where New Hampshire's been? Jesus.

-State shortcoming: extremism. "Live Free or Die?" Seems a little much. How about "Live Free, hopefully," or "Live Free, as best you can," or "Live Free, Unless Otherwise Conquered, In Which Case, Hail New Leaders!"

Next Week: The conclusion of State of the States

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale

State of the States pt. 5

Maryland

-State representative: Thurgood Marshall. Dude was a badass. What, you wanted 50 straight jokes?

-State shortcoming: Kathy Lee Gifford. Can't let that go Maryland. This is precisely what your abandoned industrial warehouses are for. No one would find her.*

*In no way does Jake Craney condone the beating, maiming, bludgeoning, puncturing, tickling, or strangling of Kathy Lee Gifford.

Massachusetts

-State representative: Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin. The man came up with a revolutionary device that extracts the seeds from cotton, yet, from the look of his picture Eli's Sassy Do, could not invent any such device that would extract the grease from his hair. Nonetheless, for his inventiveness and impact on our future, Eli gets the nod here. Conan O'Brien came in a close second, with former President John Adams a distant third.

-State shortcoming: 'wicked retahhded' accent. how did that accent come about? It sounds like someone was in mid (proper) speech and was hit on the head by a large falling rock, then switched to a Boston accent and people just went with it to make him feel normal (side note to potential authors and entertainers: it's always a good tactic to alienate as many listeners/readers/audience members as possible. If there are any remaining Craney supporters in Boston, I'd like you to know that the Red Sox blow. There--that should get the last of 'em).

Michigan

-State representative: James Lipton. Put some glasses and a receeding hairline on michigan and tell me that's not James Lipton.

-State shortcoming: Detroit. It’s like having a school full of bright, well-behaved students, then you have Detroit sitting in the back with neck tats lighting his desk on fire.

Minnesota

-State representative: Ric Flair, The Nature Boy! 16-time World Heavyweight Champion of fake wrestling. Head to Ric Flair's Wikipedia page and check out the section entitled 'Personal Life.' I'll let him represent whatever he wants.

-State shortcoming: Gluttony. "Hey Bill, what should we do with all this space?" "I don't know Tom, why don't we build a mall?" "Okay cool, a regular sized mall?" "No, a mall the size of 78 football fields!" "Excellent, sounds good. Hey, get that moose out of here! He'll steal our idea!"

In the preceding dramatic re-creation, the part of Bill was played by the state of Minnesota. The part of Tom was also played by the state of Minnesota. Anyone who would have and carry out an idea for something so grossly overdone and unnecessary is obviously mentally unbalanced. The moose was played by an actual moose.

Mississippi

-State representative: Oprah Winfrey. She's too powerful not to be given this honor. If I had left her off, I probably would have been destroyed by robots whose weight fluctuates wildly. Also, secondary representative goes to angry rapper David Banner. He scares me. Lots of intimidation going on here Mississippi.

-State shortcoming: statistics. Mississippi is ranked last in health care, last in litter removal, last in academic achievement, last in personal per capita income (also last in knowing what the term 'per capita' means), has the highest rate of obesity, blood pressure, diabetes, and adult inactivity. Essentially, when other countries insult the US, this is where they start.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: An Angle - Oh Oh Oh Trouble

State of the States pt. 4

Iowa

-State representative: Ashton Kutcher. Gee, thanks a lot for that one Iowa.

-State shortcoming: Guilt by association. You may very well be cool Iowa, but guess who you're hanging around with? Degenerates like Nebraska, Missouri, and South Dakota. If you could scoot yourself up near the great lakes maybe we could talk.

Kansas

-Hell. More to come later.

Kentucky

-State representative: Tie!  Between Billy Ray Cyrus and Charles Manson. Starting to paint a creepy portrait there Kentucky. No, no Wynonna Judd doesn't help you. Nick Lachey?!? No, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole. One more? Okay Kentucky, I can tell you're desperate, but make it quick, I have to move on to Louisiana. Chuck Woolery!? Yes! Sweet Sweet redemption. Okay cool, now go back to producing and subsequently binge drinking whiskey.

-State shortcoming: laziness. I haven't seen a more useless lump of crap since seasons 2-9 of Roseanne (Notice how I deftly escape any blame for that statement--I could very well be talking about Roseanne Barr, John Goodman, or the show itself). Also, your biggest attraction is getting drunk and watching horses run around a track once a year. Set a rabid cougar loose behind the horses and I might pay to see that.

Louisiana

-State representative: Billy Jo White, current and seven time defending champion in the "Most Racist Person in America" contest. Billy Jo first won the award when he officially changed his last name (which was Black) to White and set fire to the houses of any family members who did not follow in his footsteps. Billy Jo has retained his title with unspeakable acts against races of all kinds. Most of his actions I won't go into because of their disgusting and sometimes violent nature, but needless to say this is one racist bastard (Obviously not a real person, but have you ever been to rural Louisiana? He very well could be).

-State shortcoming: “Beauty.” That is, if your idea of beauty is swamps, bugs, oppressing heat, broken down shanty's, and poverty. Also, it's a great place to go if you enjoy being spit on or chased out of town by an angry, toothless mob for not having the same religious views, race, or sexual orientation as the natives.

Maine

-State representative: Erin Andrews. Hottest person to be born in your state. Coincidentally, Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) was born in the same town. Hot lady, handsome fella--what are you putting in the water Lewiston?

-State shortcoming: I feel like you're plotting something up there. I never hear from you, and you're hobnobbing up there with loudmouths like New York, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania. A little too quiet Maine...a little too quiet.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Menzingers - I Was Born

State of the States pt. 3

Georgia

-State representative: Jeff Foxworthy--if it weren't for Foxworthy's 'you might be a redneck' bits, trash bins everywhere would be empty, Abu Ghraib would have much less effective 'interrogation' tactics, and aspiring comics would be less confident in their abilities. "Wait...you can be successful with jokes like that? Well shit, hand me a bottle of scotch and a pen, I'm shittin' out gold tonight!"

-State shortcoming: the student body of Georgia Tech (or lack thereof). I mean, I know where to go if I need to figure out why my jet engine isn't operating at the optimal velocity, but what am I supposed to do with my erection?

Hawaii

-State representative: Laird Hamilton. Pretty easy choice. Everyone in the state is either a surfer or a singer-songwriter. I'll take a 90 foot wave over a gentle acoustic guitar melody any day.

-State shortcoming: lack of gay pride. It took balls to name the biggest college in your state the "Rainbow Warriors." It took even bigger stones to make the helmet of your football team white with a pretty rainbow on it. Then, out of pure homophobic chicanery, you simply change it to "Warriors" and redesign the helmet to make it tough and manly. Not cool bro. It's okay to be who you are. Don't hide under a charade of toughness, embrace the gayness within you. Go even further--go overboard like the guys in West Hollywood who wear jorts and chain-mesh shirts and rollerblade everywhere. I say bring back the rainbow helmets, and add a bit of Hawaii tradition--wear grass skirts and coconut bras over your pads. Take your balls back Hawaii. Take 'em back and make 'em pretty and glittery like you know you want to.

Idaho

-State representative: Sacajawea. Yes, that Sacajawea. I didn’t know she was from Idaho either—step up your marketing Idaho! Oh, you weren’t really a state when she lived there? Well, your second most notable product is Lou Dobbs, so I think you can probably look the other way on that one.

-State shortcoming: Shaped like a chimney constructed under the influence of alcohol. Seriously, what is with your boundaries? It looks like you were once a proud rectangle and are being bullied by Montana. You’re gonna take that shit from Montana??? Also, probably a little too proud of your potatoes. Unless you’re making fries with all those potatoes, I’m not interested.

Illinois

-State representative: Flozell Adams, NFL offensive lineman (native of Chicago). Thought I would go with Obama? Wrong, dumbass. Check the official 'cool name scale' (scale is both unofficial and non-existant). Barack Obama is an 8 out of 10 on the cool name scale, Flozell 'The Hotel' Adams? 10. Yes, any man named Flozell gets my respect. Also, any man that walks into Denny's and says "Fuck it, just bring me a pig on a spit" also gets my respect.

-State shortcoming: Your best city is a freezing windy mess half the year. Get some climate control Chicago. Where else do you expect us to go, Peoria? Jesus. I'll call you when I lose my self-esteem.

Indiana

-State representative: Larry Bird. In a state that has produced such well-known figures as Michael Jackson, Axl Rose, John Mellencamp, Orville Redenbacher, James Dean, and William Henry Harrison, Larry Bird represents what Indiana is all about: mild mannered white people!

-State shortcoming: Santa Claus. Come on Indiana, we’re well over 200 years old, you can stop pretending. Just change the name of that town to “Mom & Dad are the Ones Eating the Cookies, Indiana.”

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook

State of the States pt. 2

Colorado

-State representative: John Elway. That man can sure sell an automobile. Huh? He had another profession? (From the looks of those teeth I'm gonna guess he's how Denver originally extracted its corn from the cob?)

-State shortcoming: the eastern half (more like 30 percent) of your state. While the western half is filled with beautiful mountains and great cities, one of which I grew up in (what up Ft. Collins!), the eastern half looks and acts suspiciously like Kansas. Make sure to let your eastern half know that if it does not shape up, you can annex it to officially become part of Kansas. That should do the trick.

Connecticut

-State Representative: Eriq La Salle. Never has there been a more brilliant portrayal of "intimidating urban doctor" on television. Also, props for channeling your inner "chumbawamba" and not even attempting a career after your big hit.

-State Shortcoming: Lack of stardom. What's the best you're offering us...Hartford? Call me in 1983 when the Whalers were relevant.

Delaware

-State representative: Joe Biden. Maybe we should just change your name to Maryland’s Vice-State.

-State shortcoming: Self-confidence. I never ever hear anything good or bad about the state of Delaware. I often forget you exist. You’re like the girl in Junior High with braces and acne who is too shy to ever say anything. Grow some balls Delaware, you might grow up to be hot!

District of Columbia

-State representative: Samuel L. Jackson. “Hey DC, take it easy, I just asked for an autograph, you seem really aggressive. Jesus! Why are you carrying a shotgun?! What? No I don’t know anything about any snakes.”

-State shortcoming: Major “little-man” complex. No wonder you have to pass all those laws to feel useful, you’re smaller than Rhode Island! And what is with this damn monument?  Overcompensate much?

Florida

-State representative: Vanilla Ice. A constant reminder to America's youth that no matter how untalented and unintelligent you may be, you can still make it!  Also, a friendly reminder that no matter what mistakes you may have made in life, at least you're not Vanilla Ice

-State shortcoming: total schizo. It's a sticky melting pot (literally, if you step foot in the state any time from May through September you will start melting). You've got 20 percent beach bums, 20 percent college kids, 20 percent Cuban high rollers, 20 percent rednecks, 20 percent latin divas, 20 percent wealthy families, 20 more percent rednecks, and 45 percent elderly folks. I realize that math may seem off, but I had a resident of Palatka come up with these statistics, so what can you expect?

Snake Alley Song of the Day: GO PACK GO!

State of the States

Along the course of this "blogventure," (combination of the words 'adventure' and 'blogvent') you've probably noticed me taking a few cheap shots at Kansas. Just writing the word “Kansas” right there made me want to go off on a rant. I mean did they get sponsorship money from the grass-growers association? Or did they simply acknowledge the beauty and fun of other places and want to exist simply to be ironic? Like they’re sitting there in their generic building saying “Hey, come visit Kansas, we’re cool too…gotcha! Well, you’re already here, you might as well check out the Topeka House of Clams on your way out.”

Sorry, I guess the rant happened after all. Well anyway, my point is that nobody’s perfect. We’ve all got our flaws, and we’re lucky that I’m bored enough to needlessly point all of them out. So without further ado, I present State of the States: A brief guide to the shortcomings of all 50 states. I'll tackle the states 5 at a time, so as not to make this entry as long as Ron Jeremy.

Alabama

-State representative: 2006 American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Enough said.

-State shortcoming: People. A good portion of your residents’ thinking is so backwards it’s criminal. Speaking of backwards, many of your little school children (those who don’t drop out after 4th grade) consistently spell the word Alabama backwards and your teachers are too busy not brushing their teeth to notice.

Alaska

-State representative: Sarah Palin. Sad but true. America has come to equate Alaska with Palin. Maybe you should decide to “Go Rogue” and deport her so you can go back to being our most gigantic state no one’s ever been to.

-State shortcoming: A little full of yourself. What, you’re too cool to hang out down here with us continentals? 500 miles from our nearest border!? At least give us some sort of a bullet train or something. No, no it’s cool—just stay all detached and isolated up there Salinger.

Arizona

-State representative: Karen McDougal, Playboy Playmate of the year 1998. She narrowly beat out Cesar Chavez and Joe Jonas.

-State shortcoming: Grand Canyon—what are you hiding in there?

Arkansas

-State representative: John Daly. Hmm, let’s see—cigarettes, beer, gambling problems, devastating loneliness…yep, sounds about right.

-State shortcoming: The smell. What is that all about? I can’t tell if it’s the smell of death or a swamp or swampy death.

California

-State representative: Joey Chestnut—World Hot Dog Eating Champion. Out of all the possibilities, Chestnut singlehandedly represents almost all the California ideals: he makes his living in an excessive and unnecessary line of work, he is on TV, and he receives money and fame for putting wieners in his mouth. If you put a Golden Gate Bridge t-shirt on him, stick a surfboard under his arm, and put a Yosemite National Park pass around his neck, he might as well be a walking billboard for California.

-State shortcoming: Illegal immigrants. California’s borders are open wider than Lindsay Lohan’s legs. Southern California is more easily accessible than Britney Spears’ fun zone. Pathways into the state are more heavily used than Paris Hilton’s vagina. Ok, you get the idea. …Just one more for fun: more people have plowed their way in through muddy canals than Ryan Seacrest. Zing!

Tomorrow: Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Yellowcard - For You, And Your Denial

Who Sings That Song Again?

I'm a huge fan (rougly 320 pounds after last week's KFC binge) of music. I fancy myself a knowledgable source on little bands no one has heard of. Being such a connoisseur (nerd), I've come across some pretty fantastic band names. I'd like to share a variety of band names simply because they are hilarious. By naming their bands such things, these musicians have pretty much guaranteed their music will never be taken seriously...but who cares? A great name is worth it. Without further ado (because who really knows what 'ado' is), here is a list of brilliant names of actual bands.

Harry Palms and the Gym Towels

The Well Hungarians

Abstract Penis Brigade

Bearded Itchy Lover

The Flaming Donuts of Jesus

John Cougar Concentration Camp

Lance Armstrong and the One Ballers

Skanorrhea and the Burning Sensations

K.Y. and the Backsliders

The Muscular Lesbians

Painful Rectal Itch

Naked David Hasselhoff

Amish Meth Lab

Wendy and Her Menstrual Cycles

Mechanical Tampon Fish

Admiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing Teeth

Screaming Moist Accountants

Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles

Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers

Buster Hymen & the Penetrators

Johnny Uterus and the Fallopian Tubes

Curious George and the Homophobes

Rainbow Butt Monkeys

Ben Dover and the Screamers

Turkey Makes Me Sleepy

Dick Nibbler's All-star Weenie Roast

Hitler's Missing Testicle

Porn on the Cob

Jif and the Choosy Mothers

Mr. Holland's Anus

Uncle Bob Touched Me


Snake Alley Song of the Day: Jack's Mannequin - Miss California