Legal Death Aides

No, this entry is not about Dr. Kevorkian, although for the record, any man that can have success labeling himself “The Suicide Doctor” and not be a part of some obscure death-metal band must be doing something right.

I’m talking about a different kind of assisted suicide, smoking. Smoking kills 4 out of every 9 people in America today, according to a study I made up. The numbers for children are even more staggering. The same study says that 1 out of every 3 children will die a smoking related death. Shocking, I know.

Let’s face it; Hollywood has traditionally been to blame for at least a small part of that influence on children. James Dean: what a stone cold badass. Aaron Eckhart in Thank You for Smoking: I’d buy anything that man sells. He could make me trade my car for a corned beef sandwich infected with mononucleosis. Patty and Selma from The Simpsons: come on—how could you not want to smoke after watching those two foxes hack their way through carton after sexy carton?

At some point, regardless of media persuasion or peer pressure, people have to make their own decisions—and therein lies my beef (not corned). I just don’t get the appeal. You inhale, die a little bit more each time, then it’s over. If I’m going to spend my money on some “substance,” I better get a little more bang for my buck than that. Beer or alcohol, I get it—you get buzzed, drunk, hammered, sloshed, blitzed, shitfaced, blacked out…you get the idea. Other drugs, I get it too—you get trippy, high, messed up, crazy, jiggly, muddy, clammy, arrested for indecent exposure…you get the idea. There just aren’t any highs to cigarettes. It’s not looked upon as something ‘cool’ anymore, it doesn’t enhance or change your mental state in any way, it just gives you smoker’s cough, yellow teeth, and a slew of diseases and conditions that will end your life prematurely. That doesn’t sound sexy to me (except you Patty and Selma, I will love you always).

I tried to put together a pros and cons list of smoking to see if I could come up with any pros. My cons list was longer than my typewriter could produce. (Yes, I still use a typewriter, I’m old fashioned. You crazy kids and your computers and your rock music). I only had one pro: you have some company outside in the freezing cold Piscataway, New Jersey winter when the manager at Bennigan’s makes you take it outside with the other “wheezy’s.” (Yes, as you probably have noticed by now, I use lots of specific and obscure references. I guess it all goes back to the time I was at Taco Johns and bumped into Peter Saarsgard and we started to play a game of Connect Four, but he had to leave because he said he wanted to get home to make sure he caught the new episode of Clarissa Explains it All, but I think he was just leaving because I was about to win—Clarissa hadn’t been on the air in nine years).

(Yes, I also use alot of parentheses. You can find me on TV and radio doing advertisements for parentheses, I support them whole-heartedly and if I use 200 in my blog this month they will give me two tickets to the next Lady Gaga concert))))).

Now, back to cancer sticks.* Past the issue of why people start smoking, it’s clear that they continue because they are addicted to them. Addiction is another thing I don’t understand. The closest I ever came to addiction was Funyuns and Mountain Dew (two 6-packs of Dew a day is normal, right?).

Most people with addictions seem to realize they have an addiction. If you understand you have an addiction to something that is horribly harmful to you, well, you should probably find a way to stop. Did I really have to spell that out for you? Get your ass some Nicorette and get in gear!

The ones who don’t realize it or are in denial, wake the fuck up! That persistent cough ain’t from the smog, and no you “can’t stop whenever you want.” 

So, in conclusion (because I’ve run out of things to say, and I’ve met my daily quotient of parentheses), if you’re addicted to the ciggys, get some help. If not, don’t start, they aren’t cool anymore. Maybe try some shrooms.

*Cancer sticks in this case refer to cigarettes, not the other widely known use: as a nickname coined by dozens of former girlfriends of Nicolas Cage. The name refers to both his skinny legs and the growing urge to kill yourself when you’re around him.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: M83 - Midnight City

Poorly written article with mediocre sex jokes

With 2012's goal of one blog entry per week already a miserable failure (Oh, hi January 9th!), let's get cracking on 2012's newly revised goal of 50 blog entries for the whole shabang. Here's an article I had originally intended to write about the illustrious career of Vin Diesel (I mean, who could forget his performances in "The Fast and the Furious," "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift," "Fast & Furious," and "Fast Five?" Oh...you can forget about those performances?)

“.XXX” Domain names now available, Vin Diesel upset, but unable to express emotion

Not since handheld cameras paved the way for POV style movies has the porn industry seen such a revolution. Purveyors and professionals in the adult film industry can now create websites ending in “.xxx” rather than “.com.”

Innovators of this idea hope to coax many adult sites over to the new domain names, making it easier to set parental and lock features for children. Finally, mothers searching for a shoulder strap for their children’s backpack won’t get bombarded with obscene material when they mistakenly use the keywords “Kids, Strap On, Sack.”

Finally, young kids interested in the rodeo won’t get a premature life lesson when typing in “cowgirl,” or “bull-riding.”

FINALLY, fifth place local Berea, Ohio softball team, the “Cleveland Steamers,” can rest easy at night, knowing they can finally put up that much deserved fan page without their children stumbling upon something that would likely scar them for years to come.

Eager web surfers looking to make a quick buck have rushed to the forefront, buying .xxx names they believe will be in high demand by porn companies. I was admittedly late to the game, but still managed to secure some great .xxx web domain names. Hopefully I will see some profit from one of the following Jake Craney purchases:

Hummus.xxx

AndersonCooper.xxx

WeebleWobbles.xxx

WiltChamberlainSTDCheck.xxx

DoobieBrothers4Life.xxx

FlopSweat.xxx

ILoveThePacifier.xxx (Vin Diesel call-back…didn’t think you were getting one, did you?)

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know

Caption Fun

The blog is back!

After months of hibernating (doing crystal meth), I'm back in action with new entries. Let's start this party again with some caption fun.

-That’s one way to get the competition off your back

-Keep plugging away Jeremiah, the guy in 17^th place is within striking distance

-Fuck those onlookers, everybody poops

-Note to self: at mile 7, take water cup from crowd, not bean burrito

-Shouldn’t have told my date to meet me at the finish line

-Just keep going, it’s not like this is going to end up on the internet or anything.

-I LOVE competition! FUCK YEAH! Shit ain’t shit!

-Taco Bell: 1, Years of Training: 0

-Must remember to find that douchey couple after the race and offer them a home-made “Sloppy Joe”

-Is there ANY chance this isn’t noticeable?

-I could have sworn that was just going to be a fart

-I BETTER get in to this fraternity

-Remind me when I get home to cancel my sponsorship with Campbell’s Chunky Soup

-Do I sprint through the finish line and hide? Or do I embrace this and do the “Ickey Shuffle” across the line?

-Fuck it…never had any friends anyway

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Jay Z + Kanye West - Ni**as in Paris

Musicomedy

People love analyzing and dissecting lyrics from their favorite musicians. With music I really enjoy, I do the same. Great lyrics make great music even better. People across generations have studied the lyrics of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Morrissey, and Patti Smith (among others). In fact, a book of Bob Dylan’s lyrics will sell for upwards of 70 dollars.

So, I’d like to announce a more contemporary approach to lyric study. Critics constantly say today’s music lacks the originality, passion, and messages of musicians in the 60’s and 70’s. I say rubbish! (No really, I say rubbish a lot, people seem to enjoy it). Today’s musicians have just as much to say as those of yesteryear. I’m thrilled to announce the first in a five part series of books I will be putting out of the great lyrics of the new millennium. These books will be for sale on Snake Alley for 39.99 plus shipping and handling, but I think you’ll find the gems of wisdom within these pages will give you a joy that is priceless.

First up for sale, The Lyrics of Ke$ha. A hugely popular modern singer/songwriter, Ke$ha not only delivers a catchy hook, she conveys a poignant message in each of her songs that transcends her contemporaries.

Order this book now, and you’ll be treated to such memorable quotes as

“You were rollin in bitches. Yeah, I was rollin in my Lincoln. I was a shitty waitress.”

“I don’t really care where you live at, just turn around boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick’s at.”

“You wanna lift me off my feet, parakeet? You got the crazy cream o’ wheat, heatin up my seat.”

“Don’t want a boyfriend, just want to get some.”

“Tasers, lasers, alien invaders. Tell me I’m out of this world.”

“You can go to hell, girl. You better watch yourself. I’m feelin feisty alright. Friday night bitch fight.”

“See lots of snacks here, I need a meal. Oh baby feed me, I’m hungry from all this gyration. I’m losing patience, I’m feeling tipsy. I need to stop and sober up,”

And more!!!

Order now and be on the lookout for the next four lyric books, coming soon!

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Ke$ha - Blah Blah Blah

Cinematic Gold

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Death Cab for Cutie - You Are A Tourist

Dance Monkey Dance!

I go on craigslist a lot to look for small jobs under the “talent” headline (I know what you're thinking, "Are you allowed to search under 'talent' if you have none?" You may be right, but Craig still lets me), and I’ve come across some fantastic ad headlines. The following are my favorites so far:

-CALLING ALL ASIANS!!!

(Calling a more offensive way to solicit minorities!!!  Maybe next time try "Ching Chang Chung--Me Love You Long Time!)

-Casting for 40 dogs

(Did not apply to this because I only have 36 dogs)

-Zombie Burlesque Shoot Needs Model

(More obscure fetish, "Zombie Burlesque" or "Muppet Burlesque?")

-Talented 6-9 year old boy to portray young rapper

(6 year olds make the best rappers. Instead of "bitches" and "guns" you get "apple juice" and "Osh Kosh B' Fuckin Gosh")

-Putting together a Blues/Rock band. You down?

(No, just no)

-Who wants to be a Sugar Psycho Girl?

(Who wants to "audition" in the back of a windowless van and walk away with a rash?)

-Radio Program Looking for our Jersey Bitch Queen

(Who isn't looking for their Jersey Bitch Queen? I've been trying to get one since 1999. They are harder to find than a listenable Nickelback song)

-Dance in a gorilla costume on video and send to me, $15 OBO

(This entire headline/statement just fascinates me...and intrigues me...maybe I'll visit the costume shop tomorrow and see what comes of this...)

Yes, I applied for all of these. I'm still in the running for Zombie Burlesque but sadly, I was turned down for "Sugar Psycho Girl."

I'll come back and add more to this post as I come across some more ridiculous headlines.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Straylight Run - For the Best

Whatever Happened To Marcy Playground?

“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things…”

Oh, hello. You caught me listening to Salt n’ Pepa on my Walkman. I do it every night before my lavender and sea salt mineral bath. Anyway, now that it’s been brought up, let’s go ahead talk about sex. Why? Why the hell not? It’s pretty awesome. If you want to read about economic policy or financial restrictions vis-à-vis litigation issues or similar nonsense, you might as well head over to Carrot Top’s blog…it's just as likely to put you to sleep as that boring crap (A note to Mr. Top: prop comedy doesn’t translate well to written word).

Sex, according to the information I gathered whilst talking to my parents, occurs when birds and bees develop some sort of romantic love toward one another. I wasn’t aware this was even an amicable relationship, but apparently it can work. I don’t know the logistics of it all, after I asked about the stinger, the lecture stopped and we all went out for ice cream. So with my limited knowledge of the subject, I turn to one of my favorite ways to seek information: the internet.

Simply typing in “sex” on Google brings up a variety of useful information. After scrutinizing and inspecting such headlines as “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and “Nebraska state sex-offender registry,” I stumbled upon an article I could actually learn from (although for the record, I did learn something from “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and that is never to click on “FREE porn videos and sex movies” 10 minutes before you have to leave for work). I came upon a very informative article simply entitled “How to have sex,” in which the actions of sex are broken down and explained. Strangely, there was no mention of birds or bees.

This brilliant article needs no paraphrasing, so I’ll just copy and paste it for you to read and learn from…

“Having sex can sometimes mean a number of different sexual activities, but usually it means sexual intercourse. The most common definition of sexual intercourse is an act that involves a man putting his erect penis inside a woman's vagina. Sexual intercourse might also be used to refer to sex acts between two men or between two women.

Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman usually starts with them both getting sexually excited. This is sometimes referred to as foreplay, and might involve kissing and cuddling, touching each other and other sexual activities. Foreplay is important as it means a woman's vagina begins to get moist and a man gets an erection. If the woman's vagina does not get moist enough, then having sexual intercourse could be difficult or painful for her.

If a couple are going to use a condom for protection against pregnancy or infections, they should put it on the man's penis as soon as he gets an erection. Some men say they worry about using condoms in case they lose their erection or have difficulty putting the condom on. You could get some condoms and practice beforehand. Condoms come with instructions in words and pictures which show exactly how to use them.

After the condom is on, the man or woman can guide his penis into her vagina. The couple then move their bodies so that his penis moves up and down inside her vagina. This usually rubs the penis and makes the man sexually excited so that he has an orgasm. The movement might also rub the woman's clitoris (or sensitive areas inside her vagina) so she can have an orgasm. But this often takes practice and a bit of experimentation to get it right!”

Perfect, this pretty much sums everything up. Now, the only problem is finding someone to do this with. Using this as my guide, I went out and tried to acquire a willing participant. For whatever reason, nobody responded well to “Excuse me, I was wondering if you’d like to touch each other sexually until your vagina becomes moist?”

So, with multiple failed attempts, and multiple black eyes, I turn back to the trusty internet. Now knowing all there is to know about actually having sex, I type in “Finding women to have sex with.”

This returns a wealth of useful information, including several real-live women popping up on my computer screen who seem very enthusiastic about engaging in intercourse. After filtering through my options, I’m delighted to say I’ve finally found my partner. Bad news: I maxed out my credit card. Good news: Ting-Mae will arrive from Taiwan in 2-3 weeks.

Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more on this topic. Once Ting-Mae gets here, I will undoubtedly have much more to share. In the meantime, I’ve got to go get some items she has requested, including something called “The Destroyer.”

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex