Sports Analysts

I’ve always loved sports. I can pretty much turn on any game in any sport, regardless of the teams, and watch it purely for the entertainment value (aside from most baseball and golf, which can get pretty boring). What is interesting to me is the recent need for dozens of “analysts” dissecting every aspect of every player on every team. When I was young, it was just Sportscenter. It was two guys telling me the scores and showing me the highlights. Maybe if it was really in-depth, they would tell me if anyone got hurt, who the teams were playing next, and Stuart Scott might throw in a “Booyah!” or two.

Now, I am overwhelmed by arrogant nerdy men analyzing every little part of sports. We’ve got shows where people just debate random sports issues and act as extreme and animated as possible, we’ve got a show that assigns scores to how well people debate sports, we’ve even got TV shows that simply show sports analysts doing a radio show! Whose idea was that? Who is listening to their sports talk radio and saying “Gee, I wish I could see these two titans of sports minutiae sitting in their chairs and talking into the microphone.” Is it not enough to hear their discussions? We need to see their mustard-stained Beefy XL t-shirts and unkempt hair?

We've also got individuals who get paid to simply try to predict playoff matchups and NCAA tournament brackets (the much revered 'Bracketologist'). Last time I checked, this wasn't a profession, this was just called 'being a degenerate.' What’s worse is that we can’t just watch level-headed analysts talk about the issues. Intelligent sportscasters like Dan Patrick and Eric Kuselias (see, you don’t even know who that guy is, do you?) don’t get as much air time as self-involved windbags like Skip Bayless and Tony Kornheiser. The more opinionated, polarizing, and worked up you can be, the better. It doesn’t really matter if what you’re saying has any merit.

I also get the feeling many of these people who dedicate their lives to the smallest little sporting details have never played sports in any significant way. Mel Kiper Jr: that man looks like a former mob boss who got kicked out of the ‘family’ for using too much hairspray. John Clayton: Jesus Christ. That man looks like a cadaver that should be playing ‘dead body’ number three on CSI: Beirut. Trey Wingo: aside from the great name, he looks like he was at best an average badminton player. Last but not least Chris ‘Boomer’ Berman: just because you eat like an offensive lineman doesn’t make you an athlete. “Back Back Back Back Gone! ...to Hooters.”

I’m as big a fan of sports as anyone—I could write an anthology on my crazy antics during and following Florida State football games or how I sustained a serious shoulder injury cheering for the Green Bay Packers. I just wouldn’t devote my life to studying the finest details of something that really doesn’t have a big impact on our daily lives (other than when daddy gambles away the mortgage on the Celtics game). I realize it’s a huge industry; it just seems like if you want to spend your time analyzing other people playing games, politics might be a better place to start. Those cats are crazier than sports analysts any day!

(By the way, I’m a huge hypocrite; I totally watch most of these programs and sportscasters. At least I can call myself out from time to time)

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