Cherry Poppin' Daddies

My first blog entry. This is it? This is what it feels like? I had pictured more partying and groupies. Anyway, here I am. I write all sorts of comedy and am part of The Niche Players. We do sketch comedy, stand-up, and a live podcast called TNP Live. This blog is going to be a home for basically anything I've written or anything I feel like writing about that I can't find a proper place for. I'll also throw in some thoughts on music and current events. So without further ado, my first entry...


AN OPEN LETTER TO DICKS EVERYWHERE

Dear Dick,

I’m assuming your given name is Richard, as I have yet to meet anyone with “Dick” imprinted on their birth certificate. My question to you stems from curiosity and is not meant to be mocking. I’m wondering why, when given the name Richard, you have made the conscious decision to be known as “Dick.”

Dick, in today’s culture, mostly refers to A) a penis, or B) a mean, rude, pretentious, or otherwise disagreeable person. Obviously this couldn’t have been in the forefront of your mind when the decision was made, but how have you not taken this into account? Your name brings about one of these two connotations to anyone who meets you. It’s not like you were named Cornelius and are stuck (although I suppose one could be called “Neil,” but unless your goal is to trudge through mid-level office jobs with IT firms, that’s no good either). You have a wealth of options: Richard, Rick, Rich, Ricky, Richie, hell—I would even take “Chard” if the other option was “Dick.”

So what was it then? The decision had to be made as a well-informed adult. I’ve never met a teenager, child, or toddler named Dick. If I had, I probably would have shaken that kid’s hand (or given a fist-bump to said toddler) and wished him luck. Was it influenced by a popular or famous figure? Dick Tracy? Dick Van Dyke? (Side note to readers: use caution when doing a Google search for “Famous Dicks”) Or perhaps you were in fact influenced by one of the two aforementioned connotations. Did you come upon a beautiful painting or sculpture of a penis and think to yourself “This has my essence bursting out of every bit of it. People must know, and address me as such.” Or maybe you mistakenly turned on the TV and caught a few minutes of Glenn Beck talking (or crying). His absurdity caused you to go under a slight hypnosis. After a few minutes of Beck praising former Vice President Dick Cheney, you fell in love with the name, seized the opportunity, and immediately ordered new business cards.

However the decision may have come about, you weren’t the only one. There are Dicks everywhere. Big Dicks, small Dicks, hairy Dicks, Dicks of all shapes, sizes, and upbringings. I’m not just here to pose the question, or to get you thinking. I’m here to put an end to this. Have a ceremony, funeral, good-bye party, whatever: let’s retire “Dick” as a name. It will have its place in history next to all the other outdated names like Horace, Clancy, Percival, Barnaby, and Honus. Richard Branson, Richard Dreyfuss, Richard Gere, Richard Prior, Ricky Henderson, Rick James, Richie Rich, and Ric Flair can’t all be wrong. Come back to reality Dick. Let’s leave your name where it belongs…in the pants of America’s men.

Kindest Regards,

Jake D. Craney

(No, the D doesn’t stand for Dick, Dick)

 

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Tokyo Police Club - Boots of Danger (Wait Up)