Random Thoughts

-We should call anyone who plays the trombone a “Tromboner.”

-We should call anyone who plays the clarinet “Nancy.”

-Why do elementary schools have mascots? Is there some competitive badass elementary sporting event that I’m missing?

-The state of Kansas should only be used to store leftover equipment from amusements parks. We should also create some sort of ‘moving walkway’ system like at airports, but meant for cars. Stretch a few of those across the whole state East/West and North/South so we can get through that godforsaken wasteland as fast as possible.

-I think old products should come back into style like fashion trends do. I want to get my mouth on some vintage Shasta. Remember that crap? Me neither. Or how about RC Cola for that matter? I think they use that as the principal ingredient in Drano now.

-It’s hilarious that you can place wagers in Vegas on the World Series of Poker. Gambling on gambling. Someone please start a testosterone-fueled “U.S.A!” chant.

-A list of actors who I think are terrible:

Keanu Reeves, Cameron Diaz, Matthew Broderick, Matthew McConaughey, Drew Barrymore, Paul Walker, Shia Lebeouf, Charlie Sheen, Freddie Prinze Jr

-My idea of what to do with these actors:

Tell them they are going to be in a major movie and send them right into the middle of Kansas. They’ll have to fend for themselves. After Paul and Freddie get done giggling because they just tipped over a cow, the whole bunch will freak out and hopefully start fighting. Factions will form, and I have to think that worst case scenario, a couple of them don’t make it back…

-So, I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we need to put an end to “bad” words. You know exactly which words I’m talking about. They are only considered bad words because someone randomly decided they were. They are just words with no hate or meaning behind them (N word, this does not include you, you fuckin asshole). The words “shit” and “fuck” might as well be “cake” and “clams.” So my proposed idea is to just stop giving a shit about "bad" words and it won't be such a big deal. In my world, a kindergarten conversation might sound something like this: “Hey, nice sippy cup fuck face.” “Thanks, nice Thomas the Train lunchbox shitstains.”

-I’d like to end this entry with a commentary directed at male readers. Ladies, you can take a break to scan the newest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine to find your man’s secret pleasure zone (spoiler alert: it’s his penis!). Ok, so guys, I just want to know…who decided it was okay when you’re in a public bathroom to piss all over the floors? Is it because it’s a public restroom and you don’t have to clean it? Do you not get splashback on your feet? Are you that bad at aiming or are you just a jackass? Seriously, just aim at the toilet. K? Thanks, douche.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Rogue Wave - Solitary Gun