The Man, The Myth

By now, you’re probably saying “OK Snake, you’ve made me laugh so hard snot came rocketing out of my nose and into the Cap’n Crunch I was eating, causing it all to splash back into my face. You’ve also made me slap my knee with so much enthusiasm that I missed my knee and my hand landed in a beaker of sulfuric acid I have next to me for my chemistry project. Now that I’ve showered off and returned from the hospital, I’d like to get to know you a little bit.”

Well, first of all, thanks, glad I could provide some laughs. Second, I must apologize. I should have included a disclaimer that one should not read this blog while in the presence of dangerous acids or chemicals. It’s a common mistake and a real bonehead omission on my part. You’re right though; you’re entitled to know a little bit about me if you’re going to continue reading this little farce I’ve put together. So with potentially face-scarring acids put safely aside, I’ve prepared a “Get to Know Me” quiz for the reader.

Let’s start with an easy one…

Question 1:

I live in LA with

a) One small, hyper dog

b) Three Brazilian women and one mongoose

c) Ernest, my imaginary best friend from Austria

d) The world’s largest collection of snap bracelets

Answer: A. I know what you’re thinking, “He really seems like a mongoose man,” but it’s A.

Question 2:

My dog has done all of the following except:

a) Eaten a pebble

b) Eaten cat feces

c) Taken a dump in someone else’s shoe

d) Pissed on another dog’s face (R. Kelly’d)

Answer C. Hasn’t happened yet, but he’s a mischievous little tyke, I wouldn’t put it past him.

Question 3:

I have slept in all of the following places except:

a) On the side of the road underneath a Kia Optima

b) On a cement driveway with my head on rocks

c) In a ditch

d) On Joe Rogan’s pullout couch

Answer: D. These incidents were never sober, but always memorable. Keen readers know that Joe Rogan lives on a cot he carries from roof to roof after he comes down from a crazy crack binge.

Question 4:

My favorite type of music is

a) Indie

b) Punk/Pop-Punk/Rock

c) Hip Hop

d) Steve “Leatherback” Johnson and the Polka Poppies

Answer: All of the above! You can’t go wrong with any of these choices. I can’t believe you are doing so poorly. You should have studied beforehand.

Question 5:

If I formed a band, it would be called

a) Blood Skunk

b) Crass McGass and the Flailing Farts

c) Pickle Dick and the Wenises

d) Grumpy Grandpa’s Oatmeal

Answer: D. We would be like Sarah McLaughlin meets Eminem meets Creed meets Kelly Clarkson. I know—that just blew your mind. It’ll happen one day; I just need to find a decent oboe player.

Question 6:

My favorite 90’s sitcom is

a) Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

b) Boy Meets World

c) Salute Your Shorts

d) Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

Answer: B. Toughest question out of the bunch—they are all classics. I have to take Boy Meets World though. I still watch that show with a box of Kleenex…….for the tender moments when I cry softly. Why, what did you think I meant?

Question 7:

My favorite food is

a) Poached quail eggs

b) Wheatgrass tips

c) Donkey rectum

d) Pizza

Answer: C. Considered a delicacy in Sri Lanka, donkey rectum is surprisingly tasty and nutritious. I like to pound some rectum before hitting the gym. I’ll even get my lips on a good rectum or two before bed for sustenance.

Well, that seems sufficient in describing me in a nutshell. R Kelly dog, sleep in a ditch, Corey Matthews, Donkey rectum: yep, that pretty much sums me up. If you can’t get a good grasp of a person after a hastily put together seven-question quiz, maybe you should be reading Sarah Palin’s book and wearing a helmet.

If you have any more personal questions about me, I’d be more than happy to answer them, just send me an email at GrumpyGrandpasOatmeal@yahoo.com. If you happen to get an angry email back from a guy named Sal, you probably forgot the “s” in Grandpas—try it again and ignore Sal, he’s a dick.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Florence & the Machine - Dog Days are Over

Happy Holidays, see you next year!