Road Rage

“Get out of the way you fucking fuck!”

That statement certainly isn’t the crassest thing you’ll ever hear; it’s not even the crassest comment on this blog. But when you hear this exclamation spewed out of the mouth of a kind, sweet, caring person—it comes as a bit of a shock.

The only place this happens with any sort of frequency is when people are driving. Road rage is a crazy beast that can capture us all at times. The most patient people all of the sudden can’t wait two seconds for someone to turn. Honks and hand gestures are exchanged, and both parties remain pissed off for the next 30 or 40 seconds. We essentially turn into crack heads with good and bad moods that spike quickly then revert back to normal.

I occasionally do it too, when people drive like morons and weave in and out of traffic, or when people go 20 mph under the speed limit on a busy road and don’t realize they are causing a hazard by going so slow. Once the crazy speeders and weavers are past me and I’m safe of their Nascar-fetish-fantasy I don’t mind so much. I figure it’s only a matter of time when they get in a terrible crash because of the way they drive. I would assume they’ll stop driving like that afterward, if they survive. With the extreme slowpokes, I just tell myself it’s either an elderly person who has lost the appropriate strength to push the gas pedal down any harder, someone who is stoned (I told you to stop doing that mom), or a 15 year old driver’s-ed student (If I actually see “student driver” on the side of a car, I like to pull up right beside them, roll down the window, and blast Welcome to the Jungle as I stare at them maniacally. Regardless of where I may have to be, I stay with them until they start crying. They learn best through intimidation).

The phenomenon is more fascinating than anything else. The most gentle, polite people flip a switch when they get in a car. To an extent it makes sense: you are operating a very expensive vehicle (except you Toyota Tercel owners) at speeds high enough to cause damage and even death. It’s okay to be a little more hyper-vigilant. But when you’re screaming at the 90 year-old woman hesitating to make a right turn at a red light, I think we need to take some chill pills (xanax will do the trick). My ex-girlfriend is a prime example. The quote that began this chapter originated from her mouth. She is a kind, caring, nice, person. Put her behind the wheel however, and it’s not uncommon to hear her call other motorists “douchebags,” “assholes,” “dumb-fucks,” “dick-faces,” and my personal favorite as mentioned before, “fucking fucks.”

It seems as though most road rage could be easily prevented. Subtract all the weaving speed demon assholes, the teenage girls texting and singing along to Justin Beiber at full blast, the elderly people who are trying to pay attention but operate as if heavily medicated, and distracted businessmen talking about ‘The Stephenson Account’ or some such nonsense on their Bluetooth, and you’d at least have a much more civilized, alert roadway.

According to a survey, 57% of people don’t use their turn signals. What the fuck? How hard is it to take your finger and push a lever? That’d be like going swimming in the deep end without arm floaties--too scary! That seems like an easy problem to resolve. If people are too lazy to use turn signals, have the car’s signals activate automatically when the wheel is turned to a certain degree. I know I’m just a Rec & Leisure major, but that seems like a quick fix (Get on that, automakers! Oh that’s right, you’re bankrupt). According to a Gallup Poll (second best Poll/Pole next to Stripper), more people are worried about road rage than drunk driving. Solution: get high and get on the road. You can’t be considered drunk and you certainly won’t be aggressive.

So, in order to sum up in an expedient manner, let’s just condense this thing into one decisive blanket statement. Slow down, speed up, stop weaving, use your turn signals, pay attention, relax, be courteous, be alert, get in your lane, and get out of the way (you fucking fuck!)

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Ra Ra Riot - Dying Is Fine