Movie Foreplay

I recently went to the movies for the first time in a long time. Saw a great movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Very sad, very effective.  Good stuff. Anywho, setting aside the fact that I paid more to get in there than I do for a week’s worth of groceries (I eat strictly ramen and gum. Very strenuous diet of broth and chewing. Good for the mandibles), I was amazed at how generic and predictable the previews have become. Create a good trailer, and the movie can be (and usually is) crap. Here is my simple 5 step formula for creating a money-making trailer in today’s movie industry.

Romantic comedy or drama:

1. Hot guy and hot girl meet

2. Something is wrong with one of them, or one of them does something wrong

3. They must fight for each other

4. At some point they’re either wet, nearly naked, or both

5. A song by The Fray plays in the background

Boom. Done. Call it a day and collect your paycheck. It doesn’t matter if the guy is Channing Tatum or Paul Walker and conveys emotion like a bag of bricks (except the bag of bricks in the 1987 heartfelt classic “Love in a Sack,” that bag was touching…I cried), he’s hot, she’s hot, and The Fray seals the deal.

Comedy:

1. Two buddies who are just so hilariously opposite in personality and appearance interact

2. Introduce some wacky characters or guest stars

3. Show one or two of them falling down or getting hit by something

4. Don’t hint at any plot, because there’s probably no hint of a plot

5. Show an animal or small child doing something funny

6. A song by The Fray plays in the background

Action/Adventure:

1. Introduce muscular lead character with a noticeable lack of acting skills, masked by a large amount of veins

2. Explosions!

3. Include a car chase, and most likely a car crash

4. Throw in a hot chick, or several hot chicks, to rub lead character’s muscles and make out with him

5. Something’s on fire, or someone’s running through fire

6. Explosions!

7. Gunfighting and dueling with bad guys

8. Explosions!

9. A oddly out of place song by The Fray plays in the background

Thriller:

1. Ominous lighting and fearful teenagers

2. Skinny, attractive white people on vacation

3. Creepy voice-over dude

4. Quick bursts of action, including breasts of some sort (a scare in the shower, killer lurking in the bushes peering into the bedroom, etc)

5. An unbelievably out of place song by The Fray playing in the background

Silent Film:

1. A song by The Fray written out in captions

Pretty simple ingredients will make any movie trailer a success and lure people in. Whether the movie is any good doesn’t matter, they’ve already got your 84 dollars (price of ticket, plus gallon jug of Coke).

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Fray - The Fighter