Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Musicomedy

People love analyzing and dissecting lyrics from their favorite musicians. With music I really enjoy, I do the same. Great lyrics make great music even better. People across generations have studied the lyrics of Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Morrissey, and Patti Smith (among others). In fact, a book of Bob Dylan’s lyrics will sell for upwards of 70 dollars.

So, I’d like to announce a more contemporary approach to lyric study. Critics constantly say today’s music lacks the originality, passion, and messages of musicians in the 60’s and 70’s. I say rubbish! (No really, I say rubbish a lot, people seem to enjoy it). Today’s musicians have just as much to say as those of yesteryear. I’m thrilled to announce the first in a five part series of books I will be putting out of the great lyrics of the new millennium. These books will be for sale on Snake Alley for 39.99 plus shipping and handling, but I think you’ll find the gems of wisdom within these pages will give you a joy that is priceless.
First up for sale, The Lyrics of Ke$ha. A hugely popular modern singer/songwriter, Ke$ha not only delivers a catchy hook, she conveys a poignant message in each of her songs that transcends her contemporaries.
Order this book now, and you’ll be treated to such memorable quotes as
“You were rollin in bitches. Yeah, I was rollin in my Lincoln. I was a shitty waitress.”
“I don’t really care where you live at, just turn around boy, let me hit that. Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick’s at.”
“You wanna lift me off my feet, parakeet? You got the crazy cream o’ wheat, heatin up my seat.”
“Don’t want a boyfriend, just want to get some.”
“Tasers, lasers, alien invaders. Tell me I’m out of this world.”
“You can go to hell, girl. You better watch yourself. I’m feelin feisty alright. Friday night bitch fight.”
“See lots of snacks here, I need a meal. Oh baby feed me, I’m hungry from all this gyration. I’m losing patience, I’m feeling tipsy. I need to stop and sober up,”
And more!!!

Order now and be on the lookout for the next four lyric books, coming soon!
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Ke$ha - Blah Blah Blah

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dance Monkey Dance!

I go on craigslist a lot to look for small jobs under the “talent” headline (I know what you're thinking, "Are you allowed to search under 'talent' if you have none?" You may be right, but Craig still lets me), and I’ve come across some fantastic ad headlines. The following are my favorites so far:

-CALLING ALL ASIANS!!!
(Calling a more offensive way to solicit minorities!!!  Maybe next time try "Ching Chang Chung--Me Love You Long Time!)

-Casting for 40 dogs
(Did not apply to this because I only have 36 dogs)

-Zombie Burlesque Shoot Needs Model
(More obscure fetish, "Zombie Burlesque" or "Muppet Burlesque?")

-Talented 6-9 year old boy to portray young rapper
(6 year olds make the best rappers. Instead of "bitches" and "guns" you get "apple juice" and "Osh Kosh B' Fuckin Gosh")

-Putting together a Blues/Rock band. You down?
(No, just no)

-Who wants to be a Sugar Psycho Girl?
(Who wants to "audition" in the back of a windowless van and walk away with a rash?)

-Radio Program Looking for our Jersey Bitch Queen
(Who isn't looking for their Jersey Bitch Queen? I've been trying to get one since 1999. They are harder to find than a listenable Nickelback song)

-Dance in a gorilla costume on video and send to me, $15 OBO
(This entire headline/statement just fascinates me...and intrigues me...maybe I'll visit the costume shop tomorrow and see what comes of this...)

Yes, I applied for all of these. I'm still in the running for Zombie Burlesque but sadly, I was turned down for "Sugar Psycho Girl."

I'll come back and add more to this post as I come across some more ridiculous headlines.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Straylight Run - For the Best

Monday, May 16, 2011

Whatever Happened To Marcy Playground?

“Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things…”
Oh, hello. You caught me listening to Salt n’ Pepa on my Walkman. I do it every night before my lavender and sea salt mineral bath. Anyway, now that it’s been brought up, let’s go ahead talk about sex. Why? Why the hell not? It’s pretty awesome. If you want to read about economic policy or financial restrictions vis-à-vis litigation issues or similar nonsense, you might as well head over to Carrot Top’s blog…it's just as likely to put you to sleep as that boring crap (A note to Mr. Top: prop comedy doesn’t translate well to written word).
Sex, according to the information I gathered whilst talking to my parents, occurs when birds and bees develop some sort of romantic love toward one another. I wasn’t aware this was even an amicable relationship, but apparently it can work. I don’t know the logistics of it all, after I asked about the stinger, the lecture stopped and we all went out for ice cream. So with my limited knowledge of the subject, I turn to one of my favorite ways to seek information: the internet.
Simply typing in “sex” on Google brings up a variety of useful information. After scrutinizing and inspecting such headlines as “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and “Nebraska state sex-offender registry,” I stumbled upon an article I could actually learn from (although for the record, I did learn something from “FREE porn videos and sex movies,” and that is never to click on “FREE porn videos and sex movies” 10 minutes before you have to leave for work). I came upon a very informative article simply entitled “How to have sex,” in which the actions of sex are broken down and explained. Strangely, there was no mention of birds or bees.
This brilliant article needs no paraphrasing, so I’ll just copy and paste it for you to read and learn from…
“Having sex can sometimes mean a number of different sexual activities, but usually it means sexual intercourse. The most common definition of sexual intercourse is an act that involves a man putting his erect penis inside a woman's vagina. Sexual intercourse might also be used to refer to sex acts between two men or between two women.
Sexual intercourse between a man and a woman usually starts with them both getting sexually excited. This is sometimes referred to as foreplay, and might involve kissing and cuddling, touching each other and other sexual activities. Foreplay is important as it means a woman's vagina begins to get moist and a man gets an erection. If the woman's vagina does not get moist enough, then having sexual intercourse could be difficult or painful for her.
If a couple are going to use a condom for protection against pregnancy or infections, they should put it on the man's penis as soon as he gets an erection. Some men say they worry about using condoms in case they lose their erection or have difficulty putting the condom on. You could get some condoms and practice beforehand. Condoms come with instructions in words and pictures which show exactly how to use them.
After the condom is on, the man or woman can guide his penis into her vagina. The couple then move their bodies so that his penis moves up and down inside her vagina. This usually rubs the penis and makes the man sexually excited so that he has an orgasm. The movement might also rub the woman's clitoris (or sensitive areas inside her vagina) so she can have an orgasm. But this often takes practice and a bit of experimentation to get it right!”

Perfect, this pretty much sums everything up. Now, the only problem is finding someone to do this with. Using this as my guide, I went out and tried to acquire a willing participant. For whatever reason, nobody responded well to “Excuse me, I was wondering if you’d like to touch each other sexually until your vagina becomes moist?”
So, with multiple failed attempts, and multiple black eyes, I turn back to the trusty internet. Now knowing all there is to know about actually having sex, I type in “Finding women to have sex with.”
This returns a wealth of useful information, including several real-live women popping up on my computer screen who seem very enthusiastic about engaging in intercourse. After filtering through my options, I’m delighted to say I’ve finally found my partner. Bad news: I maxed out my credit card. Good news: Ting-Mae will arrive from Taiwan in 2-3 weeks.
Stay tuned in the coming weeks for more on this topic. Once Ting-Mae gets here, I will undoubtedly have much more to share. In the meantime, I’ve got to go get some items she has requested, including something called “The Destroyer.”
Snake Alley Song of the Day: Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex