The Roast of Kansas

As promised, I wasn't finished with Kansas. That dirty diaper of a state gets its own post. I proudly present the Snake Craney Roast of Kansas: a list of one-liners, zingers, and knee slappers dedicated to the slandering and ball-busting of the Sunflower State.

-Let's start off with a challenge. Try to look at the state of Kansas' outline for 10 seconds. If you don't fall asleep in the first five, you've either just taken a line of coke straight up the nostril, or you've got some weird boring rectangle fetish.

-“Kansas” literally translates to “Outcast.” The state was rejected from being called “East Colorado,” “West Missouri,” “North Oklahoma,” and “South Nebraska.”

-Kansas City didn’t even want to be part of the state, KANSAS City!!! “Oh don’t mind us, we’re just gonna scooch on over to Missouri. I suppose we can keep our ass end in Kansas.”

-Kansas is home to 46 million square miles of farmland and 1 square mile of anything else.

-Kansas’ professional (and I use that term loosely) sports teams are named things such as Mudcats, Roadrunners, Koyotes with a ‘K’, Golden Giants, T-Bones, and my personal favorite: Wingnuts. There’s no joke there, those awful names are the best punch line I could ask for. “Congratulations Timmy! You’ve been drafted by the Wichita Wingnuts! Enjoy a career of obscurity…unless you get traded to the Kansas City T-Bones, then you’ve really made the big-time.”

-There is more grass in Kansas than in all of the Cheech and Chong movies put together.

-Ben Stein once considered moving to Kansas, but decided he would be too wild for that particular state.

-The helicopter was invented in Kansas in 1909. Slightly later in 1909, "getting the hell out of Kansas" was invented.

-Kansas is home to Dodge City, America’s windiest city. Kansas really does blow (This joke was tested and approved by the 5th grade).

-Wichita State University’s athletic teams are called the Shockers. We all know you’re depraved, but to name your sports teams after a sex act? That’s a little extreme. You don’t see Cleveland State calling themselves the Steamers.

 

-“Wichita” is derived from a Native American language and roughly translates to “Shit-storm.”

-Sumner County Kansas is known as the Wheat Capital of the World. Sumner County’s suicide rate is unknown—the person who counts that data stabbed himself in the face.

-At one time it was against the law to serve ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas…sons of bitches.

-More meteorites have been found in Kansas than in any other state west of the Mississippi. See, it’s not just me—even outer space wants Kansas gone.

-Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world’s largest ball of twine, weighing in at nearly 17,000 pounds. Seriously? I mean, I knew you had to be bored…but this is entering Boredom Hall of Fame territory. This is roughly the equivalent to sitting on a hardwood floor watching your great-aunt Helen knit a pair of socks from beginning to end and the only entertainment you have is reading the nutrition label on the can of coke she let you have as a “treat.” I mean, she's a great lady, but I'd rather take off my clothes and have someone roll the giant twine ball over me.

-Kirstie Alley is from Kansas. Gross.

-Overland Park, Kansas was used as a landfill before becoming a city. Guess they just forgot to clean all that shit up.

-Kansas won the award for most beautiful license plate for the wheat plate design issued in 1981. The trophy sits on Kansas’ mantle next to the prestigious “American Apathy” award which was awarded to the state of “Kans” because the people making the award were too busy not caring to finish it.

-As of a few years ago, Kansas was officially made up of 91% white people. This officially gives Kansas the title of “Whitest Thing on Earth,” narrowly beating out polar bears, harp seals, milk, the Republican Party, Jeff Hornacek, Norway, and the fan bases of Enya, Miley Cyrus, and Weird Al Yankovic

There. I got it all out of my system. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight heavier than the average weight of a Topeka resident...huge relief.


Snake Alley Song of the Day: Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger

State of the States pt. 10

Vermont

-State representative: Harry David Lee, inventor of Lee Jeans. Without him, lower-middle class housewives everywhere would be relegated to sweatpants.

-State shortcoming: Too promiscuous (some would go so far as to say you're 'America's gutter slut,' but I won't go that far Vermont, I won't call you 'America's gutter slut'). I mean look at you up there, constantly 69ing with New Hampshire. That's disgusting. We don't need to see that. Plus, with city names like Hancock, Johnson, Shaftsbury, and Gaysville, I'm starting to wonder what kind of agenda you're pushing.

Virginia

-State representative: Pat Benetar. Love is a Battlefield, and Virginia is for Lovers. Go ahead, hit Virginia with your best shot.

-State shortcoming: Fairfax…you know what you did.

Washington

-State representative: Bob Barker. Where would this country be without plinko? Also, where would this country be without Bob's constant reminders to spay and neuter pets? We’d be outnumbered by horny, thrusting pets. No legs would be safe, no hydrants unscathed.

-State shortcoming: Lack of originality. Washington? For your name? Way to play it safe. I would have respected you so much more if I could take a trip to Seattle, Van Buren or Tacoma, Taft. That would have been ballsy.

West Virginia

-State representative: Soupy Sales. If you need an explanation you're not American.

-State shortcoming: You're hot, but how do I know you're not my sister?

Wisconsin

-State representative: Frederick Pabst. I know, you thought I was going to go with a famous Packer because I'm a Packers fan right? Well, who helps me enjoy the Packer games even more? That's right.

-State shortcoming: Mount Horeb. I know; another curveball. You thought dairy, or cold weather, or fat people, right? No, Mount fucking Horeb. Why? Mount Horeb, Wisconsin is the Troll capital of the world and home to a Mustard Museum. What the fuck? Even if you are the Troll capital of the world, that is not something you advertise, not now, not in 1993 when they were vaguely popular, not ever. And since when does mustard need its own museum. It's mustard. Take it out of a museum and put it on my hot dog so I can get as fat as people in Wisconsin (there's the fat reference you wanted, happy now?).

Wyoming

-State representative: Dick Cheney. You were the one who raised him? You are responsible for the upbringing of this man? You should be facing charges right now Wyoming.

-State shortcoming: Having to continually attempt to clean up the skid mark left on the tighty-whities of America after learning Dick Cheney was raised there. Also, the cowboy thing kinda went out of style in the 90's. Maybe you should try on a crazy neon t-shirt and skinny jeans.

I hope you have thoroughly enjoyed this 'State of the States' segment. Now you may be asking "Jake, you've just insulted all 50 states and turned the whole country against you...so how do you expect to keep readers?"  Easy...I'm huge in Samoa. I'm like Elvis to them.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Sugarcult - Memory

State of the States pt. 9

South Carolina

-State representative: Darius Rucker, better known as Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. He’s the perfect representative—he’s a one-hit-wonder, in an eerily similar way as when one visits South Carolina, they never visit again. Rucker went on to sing in a Burger King commercial advertising the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Sandwich. Out of any state, South Carolina consumed this sandwich the most ferociously. Coincidence? I think not. I think it’s about time to change their state flag from a moon shining on a palm tree to Hootie kneeling under a palm tree vomiting up his disgusting

Tendercrispt Bacon Chedder Ranch Sandwich.

-State shortcoming: Exists mainly as North Carolina’s dirty little goatee. “Dude, you got something in your goatee, it looks like some chewing tobacco, yeah. Wait, I think I also see a slimy array of insects, yikes—that looks uncomfortable. Hang on; I see something else…oh wow, it’s a bunch of overweight racists!”

South Dakota

-State representative: Shawn Colvin. One could also consider Tom Brokaw or Hubert Humphrey, but come on, Sunny Came Home? Amazing song. Colvin takes that one any day.

-State shortcoming: Mt. Rushmore. Seriously, it’s taking away from the other beautiful sites and places around your state. Oh…damn…I just looked up all the different sites and places of your state…might want to keep whoring out that monument after all.

Tennessee

-State representative: Quentin Tarantino. Why not one of the countless musicians from Tennessee? Because I trust none of them are going to have me chopped up with a machete like some sushi roll. That dude's crazy.

-State shortcoming: Dollywood. The last thing the youth of America need is a trip to a theme park where the rollercoaster shaped like collagen-blasted lips, or carnival games where the prize is a free eye-lift. It's probably also not a wise move for kids to play in the two side-by-side bouncy castles shaped like enormous fake bouncy tits.

Texas

-State representative: Let's face it, Texas is big. Just like Texans like to remind you of 12 times a day. So, representing Texas will not be one person, but a whole slew of comically named famous regional musicians. Ernest Tubb, Dimebag Darrell Abbott, Zuzu Bollin, Juke Boy Bonner, Blues Boy Willie, Boxcar Willie, T-Bone Burnett, Harry Choates, Cowboy Troy, Kinky Friedman, Peppermint Harris, Smokey Hogg, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Peck Kelley, Hot Lips Page, Boz Scaggs, Sippie Wallace, and Demi Lovato.

-State shortcoming: Failing to turn the safety off your shotgun when you drunkenly left it in the back of Clint's F150. The damn barbecue sauce you left on the barrel was so slippery it slid off the truck bed when you were doing donuts near Milt's barn, hit an empty bucket of whiskey, ricocheted off Red's cowboy hat, through a wad of chewing tobacco, off your brother's boot spur, and hit my cousin Tim in the arm. Keep your stereotypes in line, douche.

Utah

-State representative: John Stockton. Shortest shorts in the biz. Does anyone else even live in Utah? I'm pretty sure it's just the Stockton family, Orrin Hatch, and the world's largest collection of rock formations.

-State shortcoming: Jello fetish. Apparently, more jello is eaten in Utah than anywhere else in the world. The fact that you not only keep track of such a thing, but also embrace it raises some red flags. I'm beginning to think some of your polygamists are stockpiling jello so their many wives can wrestle in it.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Socratic - May I Bum A Smoke

State of the States pt. 8

Ohio

-State representative: Ron Jeremy, the Hedgehog. A complete list of his filmography is both humbling and hilarious.

-State shortcoming: A little too peppy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're a positive state, but you are essentially the head cheerleader jacked up on Sunkist and smiles. I can't make it past the 'O-H' part of your little cheer without punching you or just leaving the room in disgust. For a state who boasts Cleveland and Cincinnati as its major cities, I'm beginning to wonder if you're abusing uppers.

Oklahoma

-State representative: Walter Cronkite. Without him, I would not be here today writing this blog. He is my grandfather (totally untrue). He used to tell me "grandkiddy, I know you look up to me and all I've done with my life. I hope one day you can reference me in a whimsical, albeit aimless comedic blog" (false).

-State shortcoming: Tulsa. Some mistakes are forgiveable, but I can't look the other way here. What a cesspool.

Oregon

-State representative - Phil Knight, founder of Nike. I wonder if he tested his slogan beforehand on some of Oregon’s cities. Just Do Eugene, Just Do Grants Pass, Just Do Bend, Just Do Beaver. Oregon, you are missing some fantastic marketing puns here.

-State shortcoming: It is actually illegal throughout the whole state to pump your own gas. Come on Oregon, if I can wipe my own ass I can pump my own gas. In fact, I’m going to put that on a bumper sticker right above my gas tank and drive on up to Bend. If you won't allow me to pump, I’m going to take a dump, then hand you the roll. Your move...

Pennsylvania

-State representative: Fred Rogers, from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. This gentleman not only ushered in a new era of parents cautioning children to "Stay away from strangers," he also single-handedly brought down the modern knit sweater business.

-State shortcoming: The Liberty Bell. Dude...someone broke that thing. Man up and get it fixed before you display it in the center of town.

Rhode Island

-State representative: Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy. He gets this honor not for creating family guy, but for successfully teaching our schoolchildren that Rhode Island does in fact, exist.

-State shortcoming: Hmm, let's see, Connecticut. Wait, who am I doing again? Oh right, Rhode Island. Forgot you were there for a minute--couldn't really see you.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Good Old War - Coney Island

State of the States pt. 7

New Jersey

-State representative: Ali Larter. Seriously NJ, start putting her face on billboards proclaiming "The Face of New Jersey!" Then people will start thinking of your state as attractive, instead of a putrid wasteland. Something to think about…

-State shortcoming: No alibi. Let's not beat around the bush, you're ugly New Jersey. You're the kid in class with acne and headgear (Snake Craney circa 1998). Can we get Ty Pennington to snort some more coke and do an Extreme Makeover of New Jersey?

New Mexico

-State representative: Freddie Prinze Jr. Any man that can be that bad at what he does for a living, make tons of money doing it, and top it all off by marrying Sarah Michelle Gellar should be applauded.

-State shortcoming: No 'wow' factor. Are we supposed to be impressed with Albuquerque? Swing and a miss there.  New Mexico is home to the nation's largest national forest. Is that where you're hiding the interesting parts of the state?

New York

-State representative: Donald Trump, Paul Simon, Groucho Marx, Tom Cruise, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Lady GaGa, JP Morgan, Ja Rule, Derek Jeter, Brian Williams, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Mos Def. What...there's a lot of fuckin people there!

-State shortcoming: Every single day, someone is raped, murdered, kidnapped, or a combination of all three. I've never actually been there or researched this, but Law & Order, Law & Order SVU, and Law & Order Criminal Intent provide a pretty thorough documentary of the city/state. Seems pretty rough.

North Carolina

-State representative: Reginald VelJohnson. VelJohnson is better known as Carl Winslow on Family Matters. What a role to serve as the pinnacle of your career. Well done Reginald, well done.

-State shortcoming: English (lack of). For the last time, Carolina is not pronounced "Curralina," and America is not pronounced "Murca." Not to sound uppity, but do you have any idea how uneducated you sound? (not you, Duke University) Let me put it in terms you might be able to decipher: u ain't sound learned good.

North Carolina residents: next time I am in your state, I give you full permission to kick my ass.

North Dakota

-State representative: Casper Oimoen. Yes, that’s a real person. He was an American Olympic Ski Jumping champion from the 1920’s and 30’s. You can’t ride that wave forever Northy, it’s been 80 years—time for some fresh faces.

-State shortcoming: An overwhelming wave of public apathy. It’s beginning to look as though you just don’t give a shit North Dakota, the rest of us sure don’t. Is it just that you don’t even want to try? Or are there no residents left except those in remote cabins in the wilderness? Your official state symbol is a shoulder-shrug. Someone get this state a defibrillator.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Wiz Khalifa - Roll Up

State of the States pt. 6

Missouri

-State representative: Adolphus Busch, founder of Anheuser Busch. The man created a profitable way to actually enjoy being in Missouri. He also ushered in a new era of gettin' tipsy and laid the foundation for the spread of 'The Freshman 15' through his high calorie brew.

-State shortcoming: Much too demanding without having anything in return. I don't have to show you anything. You show me something besides a giant arch and I'll think about showing you something.

Montana

-State representative: Patrick Duffy. Could there be anyone else? Take a long, hard look at the pride of Montana

-State shortcoming: Can't...think...of...shortcoming.....distracted by...Duffy

Nebraska

-State representative:  Andy Roddick. Tennis pro and smart man. He was born there, then promptly got the hell out of there. Nick Nolte could also be considered the rep here...he's crazy, probably because Nebraska made him that way, I don't want to deny him this if he wants it.

-State shortcoming: central buckle in the 'boredom belt,' consisting of Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota. Kind of a fat belt you say? Have you seen the majority of the people living in Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wyoming, and South Dakota? I’d say that's a pretty damn proportional belt. Nebraska may be the most boring of all. I'd rather spend the day in a sealed coffin than spend an hour in Nebraska.

Nevada

-State representative: Brandon Flowers. Listen to an interview with Flowers and you'll see the long term effects of living in Vegas.

-State shortcoming: one-hit wonder. What happens in Nevada......doesn't matter unless it happens in Vegas.

New Hampshire

-State representative: Sarah Silverman. Like Silverman, New Hampshire is a boorish, sarcastic, foul-mouthed jokester who is just barely attractive enough to garner popularity. New Hampshire has had several creative offerings, including its own show. The asinine and obtuse views, coupled with trite and overused jokes made it one of the most annoying shows in existence. One critic (me) went as far as to say "I'd rather keep New Hampshire locked up there in the attic where it belongs." Also, New Hampshire had a much-publicized relationship with TV host and cured meat connoisseur Jimmy Kimmel. Come on Jimmy, I know you're not Clooney, but can you imagine where New Hampshire's been? Jesus.

-State shortcoming: extremism. "Live Free or Die?" Seems a little much. How about "Live Free, hopefully," or "Live Free, as best you can," or "Live Free, Unless Otherwise Conquered, In Which Case, Hail New Leaders!"

Next Week: The conclusion of State of the States

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale

State of the States pt. 5

Maryland

-State representative: Thurgood Marshall. Dude was a badass. What, you wanted 50 straight jokes?

-State shortcoming: Kathy Lee Gifford. Can't let that go Maryland. This is precisely what your abandoned industrial warehouses are for. No one would find her.*

*In no way does Jake Craney condone the beating, maiming, bludgeoning, puncturing, tickling, or strangling of Kathy Lee Gifford.

Massachusetts

-State representative: Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin. The man came up with a revolutionary device that extracts the seeds from cotton, yet, from the look of his picture Eli's Sassy Do, could not invent any such device that would extract the grease from his hair. Nonetheless, for his inventiveness and impact on our future, Eli gets the nod here. Conan O'Brien came in a close second, with former President John Adams a distant third.

-State shortcoming: 'wicked retahhded' accent. how did that accent come about? It sounds like someone was in mid (proper) speech and was hit on the head by a large falling rock, then switched to a Boston accent and people just went with it to make him feel normal (side note to potential authors and entertainers: it's always a good tactic to alienate as many listeners/readers/audience members as possible. If there are any remaining Craney supporters in Boston, I'd like you to know that the Red Sox blow. There--that should get the last of 'em).

Michigan

-State representative: James Lipton. Put some glasses and a receeding hairline on michigan and tell me that's not James Lipton.

-State shortcoming: Detroit. It’s like having a school full of bright, well-behaved students, then you have Detroit sitting in the back with neck tats lighting his desk on fire.

Minnesota

-State representative: Ric Flair, The Nature Boy! 16-time World Heavyweight Champion of fake wrestling. Head to Ric Flair's Wikipedia page and check out the section entitled 'Personal Life.' I'll let him represent whatever he wants.

-State shortcoming: Gluttony. "Hey Bill, what should we do with all this space?" "I don't know Tom, why don't we build a mall?" "Okay cool, a regular sized mall?" "No, a mall the size of 78 football fields!" "Excellent, sounds good. Hey, get that moose out of here! He'll steal our idea!"

In the preceding dramatic re-creation, the part of Bill was played by the state of Minnesota. The part of Tom was also played by the state of Minnesota. Anyone who would have and carry out an idea for something so grossly overdone and unnecessary is obviously mentally unbalanced. The moose was played by an actual moose.

Mississippi

-State representative: Oprah Winfrey. She's too powerful not to be given this honor. If I had left her off, I probably would have been destroyed by robots whose weight fluctuates wildly. Also, secondary representative goes to angry rapper David Banner. He scares me. Lots of intimidation going on here Mississippi.

-State shortcoming: statistics. Mississippi is ranked last in health care, last in litter removal, last in academic achievement, last in personal per capita income (also last in knowing what the term 'per capita' means), has the highest rate of obesity, blood pressure, diabetes, and adult inactivity. Essentially, when other countries insult the US, this is where they start.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: An Angle - Oh Oh Oh Trouble

State of the States pt. 4

Iowa

-State representative: Ashton Kutcher. Gee, thanks a lot for that one Iowa.

-State shortcoming: Guilt by association. You may very well be cool Iowa, but guess who you're hanging around with? Degenerates like Nebraska, Missouri, and South Dakota. If you could scoot yourself up near the great lakes maybe we could talk.

Kansas

-Hell. More to come later.

Kentucky

-State representative: Tie!  Between Billy Ray Cyrus and Charles Manson. Starting to paint a creepy portrait there Kentucky. No, no Wynonna Judd doesn't help you. Nick Lachey?!? No, you're just digging yourself a deeper hole. One more? Okay Kentucky, I can tell you're desperate, but make it quick, I have to move on to Louisiana. Chuck Woolery!? Yes! Sweet Sweet redemption. Okay cool, now go back to producing and subsequently binge drinking whiskey.

-State shortcoming: laziness. I haven't seen a more useless lump of crap since seasons 2-9 of Roseanne (Notice how I deftly escape any blame for that statement--I could very well be talking about Roseanne Barr, John Goodman, or the show itself). Also, your biggest attraction is getting drunk and watching horses run around a track once a year. Set a rabid cougar loose behind the horses and I might pay to see that.

Louisiana

-State representative: Billy Jo White, current and seven time defending champion in the "Most Racist Person in America" contest. Billy Jo first won the award when he officially changed his last name (which was Black) to White and set fire to the houses of any family members who did not follow in his footsteps. Billy Jo has retained his title with unspeakable acts against races of all kinds. Most of his actions I won't go into because of their disgusting and sometimes violent nature, but needless to say this is one racist bastard (Obviously not a real person, but have you ever been to rural Louisiana? He very well could be).

-State shortcoming: “Beauty.” That is, if your idea of beauty is swamps, bugs, oppressing heat, broken down shanty's, and poverty. Also, it's a great place to go if you enjoy being spit on or chased out of town by an angry, toothless mob for not having the same religious views, race, or sexual orientation as the natives.

Maine

-State representative: Erin Andrews. Hottest person to be born in your state. Coincidentally, Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy) was born in the same town. Hot lady, handsome fella--what are you putting in the water Lewiston?

-State shortcoming: I feel like you're plotting something up there. I never hear from you, and you're hobnobbing up there with loudmouths like New York, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania. A little too quiet Maine...a little too quiet.

Snake Alley Song of the Day: The Menzingers - I Was Born

State of the States pt. 3

Georgia

-State representative: Jeff Foxworthy--if it weren't for Foxworthy's 'you might be a redneck' bits, trash bins everywhere would be empty, Abu Ghraib would have much less effective 'interrogation' tactics, and aspiring comics would be less confident in their abilities. "Wait...you can be successful with jokes like that? Well shit, hand me a bottle of scotch and a pen, I'm shittin' out gold tonight!"

-State shortcoming: the student body of Georgia Tech (or lack thereof). I mean, I know where to go if I need to figure out why my jet engine isn't operating at the optimal velocity, but what am I supposed to do with my erection?

Hawaii

-State representative: Laird Hamilton. Pretty easy choice. Everyone in the state is either a surfer or a singer-songwriter. I'll take a 90 foot wave over a gentle acoustic guitar melody any day.

-State shortcoming: lack of gay pride. It took balls to name the biggest college in your state the "Rainbow Warriors." It took even bigger stones to make the helmet of your football team white with a pretty rainbow on it. Then, out of pure homophobic chicanery, you simply change it to "Warriors" and redesign the helmet to make it tough and manly. Not cool bro. It's okay to be who you are. Don't hide under a charade of toughness, embrace the gayness within you. Go even further--go overboard like the guys in West Hollywood who wear jorts and chain-mesh shirts and rollerblade everywhere. I say bring back the rainbow helmets, and add a bit of Hawaii tradition--wear grass skirts and coconut bras over your pads. Take your balls back Hawaii. Take 'em back and make 'em pretty and glittery like you know you want to.

Idaho

-State representative: Sacajawea. Yes, that Sacajawea. I didn’t know she was from Idaho either—step up your marketing Idaho! Oh, you weren’t really a state when she lived there? Well, your second most notable product is Lou Dobbs, so I think you can probably look the other way on that one.

-State shortcoming: Shaped like a chimney constructed under the influence of alcohol. Seriously, what is with your boundaries? It looks like you were once a proud rectangle and are being bullied by Montana. You’re gonna take that shit from Montana??? Also, probably a little too proud of your potatoes. Unless you’re making fries with all those potatoes, I’m not interested.

Illinois

-State representative: Flozell Adams, NFL offensive lineman (native of Chicago). Thought I would go with Obama? Wrong, dumbass. Check the official 'cool name scale' (scale is both unofficial and non-existant). Barack Obama is an 8 out of 10 on the cool name scale, Flozell 'The Hotel' Adams? 10. Yes, any man named Flozell gets my respect. Also, any man that walks into Denny's and says "Fuck it, just bring me a pig on a spit" also gets my respect.

-State shortcoming: Your best city is a freezing windy mess half the year. Get some climate control Chicago. Where else do you expect us to go, Peoria? Jesus. I'll call you when I lose my self-esteem.

Indiana

-State representative: Larry Bird. In a state that has produced such well-known figures as Michael Jackson, Axl Rose, John Mellencamp, Orville Redenbacher, James Dean, and William Henry Harrison, Larry Bird represents what Indiana is all about: mild mannered white people!

-State shortcoming: Santa Claus. Come on Indiana, we’re well over 200 years old, you can stop pretending. Just change the name of that town to “Mom & Dad are the Ones Eating the Cookies, Indiana.”

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook

State of the States pt. 2

Colorado

-State representative: John Elway. That man can sure sell an automobile. Huh? He had another profession? (From the looks of those teeth I'm gonna guess he's how Denver originally extracted its corn from the cob?)

-State shortcoming: the eastern half (more like 30 percent) of your state. While the western half is filled with beautiful mountains and great cities, one of which I grew up in (what up Ft. Collins!), the eastern half looks and acts suspiciously like Kansas. Make sure to let your eastern half know that if it does not shape up, you can annex it to officially become part of Kansas. That should do the trick.

Connecticut

-State Representative: Eriq La Salle. Never has there been a more brilliant portrayal of "intimidating urban doctor" on television. Also, props for channeling your inner "chumbawamba" and not even attempting a career after your big hit.

-State Shortcoming: Lack of stardom. What's the best you're offering us...Hartford? Call me in 1983 when the Whalers were relevant.

Delaware

-State representative: Joe Biden. Maybe we should just change your name to Maryland’s Vice-State.

-State shortcoming: Self-confidence. I never ever hear anything good or bad about the state of Delaware. I often forget you exist. You’re like the girl in Junior High with braces and acne who is too shy to ever say anything. Grow some balls Delaware, you might grow up to be hot!

District of Columbia

-State representative: Samuel L. Jackson. “Hey DC, take it easy, I just asked for an autograph, you seem really aggressive. Jesus! Why are you carrying a shotgun?! What? No I don’t know anything about any snakes.”

-State shortcoming: Major “little-man” complex. No wonder you have to pass all those laws to feel useful, you’re smaller than Rhode Island! And what is with this damn monument?  Overcompensate much?

Florida

-State representative: Vanilla Ice. A constant reminder to America's youth that no matter how untalented and unintelligent you may be, you can still make it!  Also, a friendly reminder that no matter what mistakes you may have made in life, at least you're not Vanilla Ice

-State shortcoming: total schizo. It's a sticky melting pot (literally, if you step foot in the state any time from May through September you will start melting). You've got 20 percent beach bums, 20 percent college kids, 20 percent Cuban high rollers, 20 percent rednecks, 20 percent latin divas, 20 percent wealthy families, 20 more percent rednecks, and 45 percent elderly folks. I realize that math may seem off, but I had a resident of Palatka come up with these statistics, so what can you expect?

Snake Alley Song of the Day: GO PACK GO!

State of the States

Along the course of this "blogventure," (combination of the words 'adventure' and 'blogvent') you've probably noticed me taking a few cheap shots at Kansas. Just writing the word “Kansas” right there made me want to go off on a rant. I mean did they get sponsorship money from the grass-growers association? Or did they simply acknowledge the beauty and fun of other places and want to exist simply to be ironic? Like they’re sitting there in their generic building saying “Hey, come visit Kansas, we’re cool too…gotcha! Well, you’re already here, you might as well check out the Topeka House of Clams on your way out.”

Sorry, I guess the rant happened after all. Well anyway, my point is that nobody’s perfect. We’ve all got our flaws, and we’re lucky that I’m bored enough to needlessly point all of them out. So without further ado, I present State of the States: A brief guide to the shortcomings of all 50 states. I'll tackle the states 5 at a time, so as not to make this entry as long as Ron Jeremy.

Alabama

-State representative: 2006 American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. Enough said.

-State shortcoming: People. A good portion of your residents’ thinking is so backwards it’s criminal. Speaking of backwards, many of your little school children (those who don’t drop out after 4th grade) consistently spell the word Alabama backwards and your teachers are too busy not brushing their teeth to notice.

Alaska

-State representative: Sarah Palin. Sad but true. America has come to equate Alaska with Palin. Maybe you should decide to “Go Rogue” and deport her so you can go back to being our most gigantic state no one’s ever been to.

-State shortcoming: A little full of yourself. What, you’re too cool to hang out down here with us continentals? 500 miles from our nearest border!? At least give us some sort of a bullet train or something. No, no it’s cool—just stay all detached and isolated up there Salinger.

Arizona

-State representative: Karen McDougal, Playboy Playmate of the year 1998. She narrowly beat out Cesar Chavez and Joe Jonas.

-State shortcoming: Grand Canyon—what are you hiding in there?

Arkansas

-State representative: John Daly. Hmm, let’s see—cigarettes, beer, gambling problems, devastating loneliness…yep, sounds about right.

-State shortcoming: The smell. What is that all about? I can’t tell if it’s the smell of death or a swamp or swampy death.

California

-State representative: Joey Chestnut—World Hot Dog Eating Champion. Out of all the possibilities, Chestnut singlehandedly represents almost all the California ideals: he makes his living in an excessive and unnecessary line of work, he is on TV, and he receives money and fame for putting wieners in his mouth. If you put a Golden Gate Bridge t-shirt on him, stick a surfboard under his arm, and put a Yosemite National Park pass around his neck, he might as well be a walking billboard for California.

-State shortcoming: Illegal immigrants. California’s borders are open wider than Lindsay Lohan’s legs. Southern California is more easily accessible than Britney Spears’ fun zone. Pathways into the state are more heavily used than Paris Hilton’s vagina. Ok, you get the idea. …Just one more for fun: more people have plowed their way in through muddy canals than Ryan Seacrest. Zing!

Tomorrow: Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida

Snake Alley Song of the Day: Yellowcard - For You, And Your Denial

Who Sings That Song Again?

I'm a huge fan (rougly 320 pounds after last week's KFC binge) of music. I fancy myself a knowledgable source on little bands no one has heard of. Being such a connoisseur (nerd), I've come across some pretty fantastic band names. I'd like to share a variety of band names simply because they are hilarious. By naming their bands such things, these musicians have pretty much guaranteed their music will never be taken seriously...but who cares? A great name is worth it. Without further ado (because who really knows what 'ado' is), here is a list of brilliant names of actual bands.

Harry Palms and the Gym Towels

The Well Hungarians

Abstract Penis Brigade

Bearded Itchy Lover

The Flaming Donuts of Jesus

John Cougar Concentration Camp

Lance Armstrong and the One Ballers

Skanorrhea and the Burning Sensations

K.Y. and the Backsliders

The Muscular Lesbians

Painful Rectal Itch

Naked David Hasselhoff

Amish Meth Lab

Wendy and Her Menstrual Cycles

Mechanical Tampon Fish

Admiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing Teeth

Screaming Moist Accountants

Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles

Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers

Buster Hymen & the Penetrators

Johnny Uterus and the Fallopian Tubes

Curious George and the Homophobes

Rainbow Butt Monkeys

Ben Dover and the Screamers

Turkey Makes Me Sleepy

Dick Nibbler's All-star Weenie Roast

Hitler's Missing Testicle

Porn on the Cob

Jif and the Choosy Mothers

Mr. Holland's Anus

Uncle Bob Touched Me


Snake Alley Song of the Day: Jack's Mannequin - Miss California